I’m OAD, hubby isn’t and that’s okay

[godslawismylaw]

Like some, I envisioned having two kids before even getting pregnant, I felt that was the norm “they’ll always have each other”. Now…even though I knew kids would be in my future (hubby really wanted kids) I would have been okay either way if we never were able to. But we were able to conceive after trying for close to two years and pregnancy was a breeze, delivery ended up being a c-section but it wasn’t traumatic. Baby is healthy, very Velcro, but normal baby. I’m at SAHP right now and we’re financially stable. Baby is 8 months and the questions have started about when the second one will come, yesterday grandma commented how it’s been “easy” for me and that a second one won’t be that hard.
Full stop.
No.
I love my daughter but honestly, I can’t wait until she’s in daycare or school. I celebrate and go all out on her milestones and her months because I know deep down, she will be the only one. I have so many plans for us to spend as a family. I envision my life with my baby and husband and rejoice at how it will be. I love her to no end but I cannot wait!
Hubby isn’t happy about this decision and although he helps, all the mental load and child knowledge is up to me, all the research, all the planning, all of it on me. He doesn’t see it or know it, he’ll ask whether some things are normal or what’s okay and not okay to give (i.e honey under one) and every thought that goes into my mind is “of course you want another one, it’s not mentally taxing on him as it is on me” and we’ve had discussions on it but my decision stands. I love being the mom of one and any time it gets hard as in baby is crying or teething or having a VERY difficult time sleeping, I just say omg imagine doing this AND having a toddler running around screaming its head off or having a tantrum or also being sick and I just shudder at the thought.
Another example would be the fact that he gets to still do his hobbies, he fails to see that with another one, he can kiss that goodbye for several years. I’m having a hard time making my husband see this but that’s okay. I know what I want and I really hope he comes onboard. He’ll say I love you and I will be okay with just one but my desire will not go away and I understand that, we can accept things and not be happy with them but I wish he could be happy with the decision to be OAD but he doesn’t see it how I do.

 

[thehook]

@godslawismylaw Give him time. I feel like it’s easy to imagine having more when LO is so little; babies can be deceivingly easy. But holy cow a toddler is way different than a baby. Maybe once you have a toddler he will see it your way and see the joy of being OAD.

 

[choosethisday]

@thehook This is so true, especially (from our experience) for the dad. My husband and I were talking about how much work our toddler was when he was around 15 months old. My husband was saying how much harder it was for him, and I laughed and said how much easier it was for me! It was like at 15 months our levels of effort were finally aligned. For me, my level of effort skyrocketed after he was born, and then slowly came down as he got older (as he stopped breastfeeding and became more independent it became much easier for me, and I had less PPA). For him, it was the opposite. He didn’t have to do all the work breastfeeding, living his life in two hour chunks, and he didn’t have any PPA to deal with. As baby got older, he had to work harder by following him around and making sure he didn’t accidentally hurt himself. Had to help with feeding solids, etc.

My husband wanted two originally, but now he’s come around to being ok with one after seeing how much work one is as he’s gotten older and more mobile.

 

[ababwaalijaz]

@thehook For me, the baby stage was hard in terms of sleep deprivation, lifestyle adjustment, and really bad PPA/PPOCD. Breastfeeding and pumping were miserable experiences for me as well. I personally love the toddler stage much more, but it's EXHAUSTING in a totally different way. Being a SAHM adds another level of difficulty because there are no breaks and you always have to be "on". My saving grace is that my 2.5 year old sleeps through the night and our schedules are much more predictable. She recently dropped the last nap which was a difficult adjustment but I LOVE not having to plan our says around naps anymore. Her bedtime has been pushed up earlier to accommodate the change.

My husband and I have been OAD since before her conception; we both have moments of missing some of the previous stages, but we have no desire to relive them via a new child. Our siblings are not our best friends and we've never relied heavily on them. My husband cut-off contact with his mentally unwell, fiscally irresponsible sister and I have an older brother who physically and mentally abused me throughout my childhood. I have two other siblings, one of which I AM close with, but we have our OWN lives. I love him, but it doesn't make me want to "provide" my own daughter with a sibling.

The HARDEST thing for me is knowing I won't get to do ANY of this again. Raising her is HARD, but I will always miss certain things once they are over. Those baby belly laughs, the clinginess (as overwhelming as it was), the bedtime kisses and hugs (she says "squeeze" each time), etc. I love watching her excitement when she experiences something new - I know she won't always be impressed by the little things that bring her joy today! I want to freeze time (but only during the GOOD times) - I want to keep her little, but I also couldn't deal with this struggle forever.

I don't want to be pregnant again; I don't want another C-Section; I don't want to risk a serious pregnancy/birth complication; I don't want to risk twins or a severely unhealthy/disabled child (I do not have the mental health or finances to support such scenarios); I don't want another round of insane PPA/PPOCD; I don't want my marriage to take the hit that it did the first time around; I don't want to divide our attention, resources or limited finances; I don't want to risk my daughter having a difficult or unhealthy sibling relationship. In my case, any reasons to have another are outweighed strongly by reasons to not. My husband is 100% on board and was relieved when I assured him (after some baby fever) that while I enjoy reminiscing about our daughter's babyhood and sometimes get sad watching her grow up, I don't want to do it all over again. I just want the GOOD parts again, not the miserable/painful/exhausting parts. I am not willing to gamble. I feel like both partners need to be willing to accept any of the difficulties, complications, and struggles in order to truly be ready to bring another human into the world. Your next child may not be healthy, they may have a difficult temperament, they may not bond with your current child, you may have a complicated pregnancy or birth, you may have various physical or mental health struggles post-partum, your marriage and finances may take a bigger hit than expected. If both partners are prepared and willing to deal with any or all of these issues, then go for it.

 

[thetruthbetold]

@ababwaalijaz I can relate to all of this (except the sibling stuff-kinda). My husband is super close with his two brothers and I have a younger brother (-6years) and we NEVER got along. We don’t argue as adults because we both avoid conflict, but we are not close. I see him maybe 6 times a year. My son loves him, but he’s not the type to be around all the time. He just kind of does his own thing. Never offers to help with my parents surgeries/doctor appointment or most recently my dads hospital stay. So my husband didn’t understand that aspect of the sibling relationship at first, but now he PROUDLY uses it as an example of when people (including his mom) say “you can’t let them grow up all alone!” or “they’ll be so lonely without some body to play with!” or “what are they going to do when you get older and need help taking care of you?” Like what?! Or my favorite- just simply “you HAVE to give them a sibling/you owe them a sibling” to which we reply we owe no body anything and bring up the point about siblings not always being close/getting along/helping each other. Then proceed to tell them how my mental health KNOWINGLY cannot handle even the thought of that. Like I can’t take that risk. I honestly don’t know how my parents dealt with us. We were so mean to each other (and I was extra mean to him, to which I do carry some guilt for that). I know that my mom smoked a lot of weed, but it definitely created so much tension in the family and put strains on all of our relationships. I’m not taking that risk of doing that to my perfect family of three.

Not to mention I HATED being pregnant. Like it was cool that I was growing him inside of my womb and we have that amazing bond, but man. I was so freakin exhausted all of the time. I only made it 34 weeks at work before I got taken out. I had thrombosed hemorrhoids that would fill (and pop and bleed, I had to wear a pad) and get so incredibly painful that I couldn’t sit, stand, lay certain ways, etc without my butthole THROBBING.

Oh and the anxiety. Ha. I was anxious before the pregnancy. Medicated and all. Then we had a miscarriage at 8 weeks after a year of trying unsuccessfully until that point. That absolutely shattered me. It happened at work because my boss made me come back after my ultrasound because I was bleeding. I came home and just couldn’t get out of bed. I’m pretty sure it was a Thursday afternoon. I went back to work that next day. I took no time whatsoever for myself to grieve that loss. Then to top it off my HCG levels weren’t going down, so there was still some tissue floating around in my uterus more concerningly (is that really not a word?) about my fallopian tubes. So I had to have two nurses stick syringes in my butt cheeks at the same time and inject Methotrexate. That was fun.

So when we got pregnant again I was a disaster. My anxiety was so damn bad. Every single time I went to the bathroom and wiped, I checked for blood. Every time I felt ANY sort of discharge I would head straight for the bathroom to check for blood. It was constant. I couldn’t relax. I took probably 50 pregnancy tests the first few weeks to make sure that line was getting darker. Then I had to deal with the guilt of feeling like I wasn’t being thankful enough because I couldn’t wait for the pregnancy to be over. I just wanted my baby in my arms.

Delivery wasn’t too bad. I did get a tear and ended up getting an epidural because I was puking from the pain. But overall I wouldn’t want to do that again.

Then the anxiety about sleeping/eating/pooping/balancing the house/etc came in. We ended up having trouble breastfeeding so I pumped for almost 3 months straight and it was BRUTAL. I hated every single minute of it. But I was set on breast milk. I cried when I fed him formula because he wasn’t gaining enough weight. Bawled my eyes out because I felt so guilty and like a failure as a mother. My husband didn’t know what to do with me. Eventually we were able to breastfeed after a tongue and lip tie (PSA MOMS- advocate for your child! Our pediatrician said getting the ties clipped was just a fad right now. I went against her wishes and got his ties taken care of and we breastfed until he was 17 month. He latched within a minute or so of having them done. Go with your gut.) but I never ever want to have to pump again. If I had another one, it would 10000% be a formula fed kid.

Not to mention the sleep deprivation. Which then amplified the anxiety. My son was a terrible sleeper. I eventually let him cry it out for 2 nights when he was like 10 months old because I could not take it anymore. We would then only get up with him if he was sick or there was a good reason. I absolutely would not bed share. My anxiety could not handle that. It’s too much of a risk in the risk vs reward scale. He sleeps like a dang champ now.

Never mind the anxiety about the future. I couldn’t imagine going through another pregnancy worrying about miscarrying. I do feel like I would be better equipped the next time around. But again, I’m not taking that risk.

With all the issues we have in the American (USA) school system (pew pews, standardized testing) I am absolutely terrified to be sending him to school. He’s starting preschool full time on Wednesday. I know it’s going to change him. He’s so sweet natured and I’m just hoping he stays that way and doesn’t suddenly have an attitude change or eventually fall in with the wrong crown. It’s also the longest he’s going to be away from me, my mom, my dad, or my in-laws. He’s going to a completely new school with new kids and a new teacher and it’s going to be all day. I can tell he’s terrified. He keeps telling me “well I’m just a little nervous” and it’s breaks my dang heart in to a million pieces because I never want him to be afraid, worried, upset (except when he deserves it, but then we use it as a teaching tool), etc. I want to be able to take all of that pain away from him. He is my heart out side of my chest. I cannot imagine my life without him. He makes me a better human and my anxiety hopes I’m raising him to be kind and conscious human being.

I freakin love my kid. He has my whole entire heart. Every decision I make, I make it with him in mind. He’s seriously my best little buddy. Definitely a momma’s boy.

This turned in to a journal entry, basically. Sorry! Felt good to type it all out because I never really have put it all together in one place before.

Disclaimer: I promise I am not anxious in front of him. All of my anxiety lives strictly in my head and on my journal pages. One thing I’m good at is separating the thoughts from my physical body (if that makes any sense?) and people have often commented they never even knew I had anxiety.

Thanks for reading if you got this far!

 

[misti4u]

@thehook I can attest, my brother in law and his wife love their two children but they feel that they got hit with the hormones that babies bring out in us.

It’s no one’s fault, evolution literally wants us to breed so babies bring out the happy feelings in all of us.

 

[gsplismylife]

@misti4u Umm I need some of these happy hormones you speak of. Where can I find them???

 

[kyleu]

@gsplismylife You can have some of mine. I love babies and want all the babies, it's toddlers/kids that scare the crap out of me.

 

[godslawismylaw]

@thehook Thanks! I hope so too!

 

[jamesmason10]

@godslawismylaw Yes, mine would have had more children but he bears none of the mental load and still complains all the time about being tired.

 

[godslawismylaw]

@jamesmason10 Mhmm my husband will get frustrated sometimes and it’s okay that he does but I always want to say “yes, imagine with another one”.

 

[cookiedion79]

@jamesmason10 Same. And I’m the only one who does nights and our kid is 2 and still up 1-4 times a night so I sleep with little one to maximise everyone’s sleep. Then husband says he’s tired, I’m like from what? Sleeping 8 hours straight?

 

[lilichka]

@godslawismylaw My only is the same age & knowing we’re OAD is the only thing getting me through some of these sleepless nights! On hard days, I genuinely cannot IMAGINE having to care for a whole other child as well, regardless of their age lol luckily my spouse is on board, he’s an only himself & never felt like he missed out! I look at the benefits my in laws have reaped (early retirement lol and a lower stress life to name a couple) & I want that for myself haha

 

[bachatagirl]

@godslawismylaw Watch how fast he changes his mind once the toddler stage hits, haha. The toddler stage was by far the hardest for us although we had pretty much cemented on being OAD right after our son was born (thank God I never got bad baby fever lol). I couldn't imagine trying to care for a toddler and a baby.

 

[paulbassett]

@bachatagirl I am OAD because I waited to see if I would be struck by baby fever after the birth of my kid and it never hit. I'm 7.5 years in so it isn't ever going to hit. Plus, my spouse says he's too old and wouldn't have the energy to deal with a newborn again. (He's 48, and I'm 39, so, fair.)

 

[bachatagirl]

@paulbassett I only got very brief flashes of baby fever for like 2 months after my son was born; a night of having to get up every couple of hours to feed him quickly cured me of it, lol. Once he started sleeping through the night I wasn't about to give that up. He is now almost 10 years old and hubbs and I are 33, so while we would have energy for another baby, we'd rather be younger empty nesters. I had my tubes removed last year anyway, so there's no way another baby would happen naturally and we're not about to drop the money for it to happen otherwise.

 

[mila]

@bachatagirl I have this baby fever from afar. Like I see a “perfect” Instagram family with multiples and a new baby and I desire another. But a friend was over this week for our toddlers to play and her 6 mo old is so freaking cute, but I had zero desire to hold him and he brought out no baby hormones in me.

 

[bachatagirl]

@mila The only thing I can think of when I see families with multiple young children is "Good luck with that." Lol

 

[soosh8005]

@godslawismylaw Let him into your world a little bit. Here’s your child, see you tomorrow. Good luck, have fun, and don’t ask me for help.

Ultimately though as long as he respects your choice that’s what matters imo.

 

[godslawismylaw]

@soosh8005 Yes, I’m waiting until LO is weaned and no longer needs me so that I can for a couple hours.
And yeah, I know redditors in other communities are quick to be like “divorce him!” Lol but disagreements are normal as long as we can respect and understand each other.