I’m Concerned About My Exes New Girlfriends Intentions

[harpazo56]

My ex just started seeing this girl, we’ll call her Cici. She isn’t close to meeting our son (2.5) yet, ex says he wants to wait at least 6 months and have me meet her first which I appreciate and respect- however I feel like some information he shared with me about her is slightly concerning but this is his first potental relationship since we split so I could be overthinking it.
He told me she “wants nothing more than to be a mom” but “doesn’t want to have her own children” so “it’s this or adoption”. In my mind that came across as him implying shes ok not having her own kids, because my ex has a son she she can be his mom. Only issue- my son has a mom. And its not like I’m an uninvolved one- we do 50/50 custody and i work from home my weeks with him to spend ample time with him. I expressed my feelings and he said its not like that, but he didnt deny it either. Should i write it off as a miscommunication and withold concerns until its an issue? I really dont care if he dates, I hope he does. And i hope some day my son has a great bonus mom- but I worry about a girl who says on the first date shes excited to be my sons mom.

 

[christfollower34]

@harpazo56 First of all, he really overshared. It was an off the cuff comment you’ve taken as gospel and analyzed until it’s gotten you here.

Take a breath, stop trying to figure out what it means. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter.

You’ll always be your child’s mom. This is not how you want to spend your time and energy.

 

[catholicbat]

@harpazo56 I would get to know her before passing judgement. It’s easy to let our brains assume and jump to the worst conclusions especially off a third party like your ex who may suck at communicating but it’s also our responsibility when they communicate to try to understand fully because just someone saying something is only half the conversation it’s how we interpret it as well.

Set boundaries up front and let her speak/act for herself. He may be trying to reassure you about her but not communicating it well. And hey! At least he told you! Most don’t.

 

[needsomeadvice]

@harpazo56 I don't think anyone thinks these things through and puts super heavy weights on this kind of thing early on. You don't know her, you can't know her intentions or how she communicates them.

They aren't settled in yet. It's just words and dreams right now and you don't need to entertain it. Reality will hit over time.

 

[yelllow_barbie]

@harpazo56 Your concerns are valid. There's nothing you can do about them though. I'm not sure what other option you have here besides writing it off; I definitely wouldn't share them with your coparent unless you guys have a strong relationship still. If the ex wants to introduce to your kid to crazy women you are going to be almost totally powerless to do anything about it, at least until you have evidence you can introduce to the court that shows your son's life is negatively impacted in a substantial way. You will need to work closely with a lawyer if that's the case, so expect that route to be quite expensive.

 

[barbs]

@harpazo56 can't control what she does. only set boundaries and consequences.

also a lot of hypotheticals what ifs. you assume the worst intentions and you have to believe that she is looking to be the best step-mom that she can be. and if they aren't going to get married, then currently, she can be the best parental figure on his parenting time.

i can't control what my ex has done and gotten a step-dad for my kid after 7 months of separation, I just have to believe that the step-dad is going to be the best step-dad for my kid. and if he betrays that trust then i can assume i can put the blame on my ex for choosing a terrible partner and work further to have full custody of my child (this is like extreme WCS, with abuse or something, but i can't deal with the anxiety and worry, and just assume, he isn't an AH and actually does care about my ex and my kid).

my ex tried to control me and who was interacting with my kid during my time, until i made a point to set a boundary to whatever is happening on my parenting time and my responsibility and accountability. and i remind my child who is who. my partner is much like her step-dad. a parental figure that they should respect look up to and ask for guidance when in need. they are both their respective parent's partner and the partners look out for each other, care for each other.

 

[jada11]

@harpazo56 I think it sounds like this is a great opportunity to lay down the framework about how introducing new people/integrating step-parents should go. He's not in the thick of the introduction yet, so he can think about it more objectively, and so can you. Frankly, her intentions are none of your business. You don't get to dictate what role she plays in your child's life. But you and your co-parent can agree on what the terms are mutually, that you'll have to follow with your future partners as well. Do you have to meet the new partner before the kid is introduced? Do you want their contact information? Will partners have a role in co-parenting, or will that always stay between the 2 of you?

You will always be your child's mom. Your co-parent will always be your son's dad. That will not change no matter who they date/marry/etc. But setting ground rules in advance is helpful to everyone: not only can it keep the peace in your co-parenting relationship, it also means that new partners can better understand the situation they're getting themselves into.

 

[drumfan84]

@harpazo56 This could very well be her way of saying she has a lot of love to give to a child that didn’t come from her body. It’s not mutually exclusive - she can also fully embrace and respect your role as mom. Additionally, you’re getting this secondhand and it’s likely your ex didn’t weigh these words too carefully in his excitement over a new relationship. He was likely trying to reassure you she will welcome your child.

 

[el_toast]

@harpazo56 Get to know her before you believe him. It’s very possible he’s just trying to tell you what you THINK you want to hear- that she’s maternal but won’t take any resources from him that would otherwise go to yalls kid. I wouldn’t take it at face value.

 

[katrina2017]

@harpazo56 You're damn lucky that your ex finds a woman that is willing to dedicate herself to your kid. Your reaction is very illogical in my opinion.

If they marry then by law she has a mother and a stepmother. If he is going to have a healthy relationship with this woman, then in effect she needs to have the role as a bonus mother when your kid is with him.

Your kid will always know who his mum and dad is, so this is mainly insecurity in my eyes.

 

[openmyheart]

@harpazo56 I understand people wanting to tell you to wait until you meet her. But if you're ex is looking for a "parent" more than a "partner" , things might end up moving faster and less healthfully than you think.

My partner's coparent tried to guilt her about her introducing me (period; as in she should never date again because of Kid), but we did things slow, and have Kid a lot of time to get to know me. Then once he met someone, he moved her into his house after only about 2 months of getting to know each other, and it was just before Kid's summer visit. So the "intro" was to someone who was effing living with her.

Which is to say that people might say one thing, but don't expect that they'll necessarily do that. If she "wants more than anything to be a mom" , that would have me imagining pushing the pace. And if your ex is overwhelmed with childcare / being a dad, he might find "then I could babysit!" offers too enticing.

But really, there's not likely a lot that can be done about his household. Look to be open to talking with your son about big feelings; as hard as it will be at that age. Perhaps start now with the happy picture books around blended families to help with complex thoughts. Even if she disappears, this wouldn't be a bad thing.

 

[hogree]

@harpazo56 your feelings are valid. but when you say it feels off to you, does it feel like intuition or paranoia? consider that. also worth considering if what he told you was verbatim or possibly over simplified. it would definitely make you feel better to hear her say these things, tone & body language can convey a lot. however, seems very fast to discuss kids with anyone whose a single parent that’s newly dating. odd… at least the way it’s been relayed to you. imo when it comes to all children, better to be safe than sorry. i say be weary IF she makes it far enough to meet your child, especially if your child is very young. not a cause for immediate concern until somethings happening in your face. she’s a blip rn & they could be over in 2 months. who knows. good opportunity for you & your ex to have a deeper conversation about what makes you both comfortable & etc though. no harm in expressing any fears either, he might have some of the same. best of luck.

 

[katrina2017]

@harpazo56 Be wary and if you see more red flags then start recording/screenshotting etc. either u waste your time doing it or they pay off in the long run.

 

[katrina2017]

@harpazo56 As a mom, I can understand your concern. Who he dates is your concern in regards to your son’s safety BUT a boundary that would have to be set is if they are not serious, there is no need to be introducing your children. Now if she was speaking badly about you/his time with his child I’d be concerned. But for now, I wouldn’t put too much thought into it, it may make you overthink the worst of her and become biased.

 

[leatare]

@harpazo56 Maybe she's just trying to let him know that she's not planning on getting pregnant if he doesn't want more kids......sounds like she's trying to appease him .......not trying to fill YOUR shoes.....

 

[summer65]

@harpazo56 I wouldn't worry about it no way they last 6 months.

 

[blessednow]

@harpazo56 Be grateful he is waiting for her to meet your son. In 6 months into the relationship my ex took my son and his girlfriend on a week vacation. Spent Christmas Eve with her family and basically she has been a tick in my son’s life. I am completely against it because when we discussed introducing new relationships we said we would wait and take it slow.

It sounds like this girl is going to be a tick. Let him know she needs boundaries with your son. Your son has one mom and that is you. My ex didn’t care and wiped his ass with whatever I thought. She even slept in the same bed as my son when I told him not too before the second vacation. It was the only thing I asked for and yet didn’t give AF. Try to set those boundaries as best you can between her and your son.

 

[joyfuljourney]

@harpazo56 My ex met her now bf and said we should wait six months to introduce new partners and I agreed. We had been separated three weeks and we were still living together. I moved out a week later and a week after that (so they had been together two weeks) she started bringing him around them everyday. My point is that that they say matters and you can’t do anything about it, but it definitely doesn’t hurt to try to talk to them about it.

 

[kayode16]

@harpazo56 Your ex is a douche.

 

[dsweats81]

@harpazo56 I think you're taking it a bit too personally...but I also think its a bit premature for him to be talking about parenting with someone he just met like that...especially if she's childless right now, as people have great intentions until they really get into the nitty gritty of it all, and then, so often, they realize how much work it is just being a "bonus" parent figure...much less an actual STEP parent.

I would say dont worry too much about it. Just kind of smile and let him know that you appreciate the courtesy of letting you know and that you'd be happy to meet her if it seems appropriate at a future time.