I’m a new dad as of 2.5 weeks ago and can’t say I’m all that excited. Is something wrong with me??

[kath26]

I just find a crying baby to be extremely bothersome to me. I’m helping my lovely wife as much as i can with preparing food for us, cleaning, shopping, holding him when she needs some time, etc. I guess i’m just simply not understanding why this is so wonderful (as everyone expressed to me) and amazing and full of rainbows and love. I’m stressed, tired and down. And his screaming absolutely drives me mentally insane. I feel so bad for feeling and thinking all of this. But i do. When he’s quiet it’s fine although even then i don’t feel some ‘connection’ it seems most spoke about. Jeeez. I wonder what’s wrong with me.

I just don’t see what’s SO amazing here with all of this. I’m lost

UPDATE:
Thank you for all the comments here! over 100 now. very helpful

 

[chriscomplex]

@kath26 The sound of a crying baby is evolutionarily selected to spur us into action. And to a lot of people, it goes beyond that and is very anxiety-inducing and stressful. That’s okay. Wear ear plugs to take the edge off.

Newborn babies don’t do much except require care. Wait another month or so when the baby starts to smile and you will be do anything for another smile. Babies who can’t interact yet are objectively not that appealing other than awwww! tiny baby!

 

[imafighter]

@chriscomplex I wore ear plugs and my husband wore sound proof headphones to help take the edge off. It really saved our sanity! And trust me op you can still hear the baby but those really help the overstimulation.

 

[megz1985]

@imafighter Yes! I still wear earplugs sometimes when my toddler is yelling and jumping everywhere and whining. They are wired to make irritating noises. My biggest advice in parenting is to try to be empathetic to the kiddo and what they are capable of, and do what you can to work through/reduce your own triggers.

Solidarity. The baby stage sucked for me and my partner. We both had a rough time. If you can, outsource things like chores, get grocery delivery, lean on friends when you can. You can even hire sleep nannies to do a shift at night if things get really bad. I hung on by a thread for the first 8 months.

Talk to your doctor any time. I got professional help and it helped a lot. There is support out there!

 

[inaus]

@megz1985 Take all the above advice. Wife and I didn't know about or have any available resources to do.. any of that. Family all dropped us when we had our second less than a year after the first. Friends dropped us before that. The ones that "stuck around" were distanced by hours or half the country. And they've quietly shoved off.

I digress. Night nannies?? I wish I'd known! My boys are 3 and 4 and that's the typical time I go to bed, between late night diaper changes and a wife unwilling or unable to take care of them. Now that they finally sleep through the night, I'm still in the 3 am bedtime routine. And up with the boys when they get up, which ranges from 5:28 yesterday to about 8am.

And now we're in the midst of a divorce. Selling our family home. Finding separate places. Dont be like us. Outsource. (And no. Our marriage wouldn't be saved had we done any or all of the above - we've had these issues for 13 years, we just never addressed them head on. Now that we are.. we plainly see we should've let each other go way back when we felt it.) But now that we have these boys, they're the best part of our lives. I dont think either of us ever would've had the strength to leave our codependent relationship without these boys pushing us to be the people we were meant to be, not who we'd become together.

Wowwww digression. Lol

 

[megz1985]

@inaus So sorry to hear about your tough times. I hope you and your family come through everything stronger, even with all the hardships.

 

[mikeg2012]

@kath26 The beginning is no fun at all. I felt really useless just giving baby to my wife all the time since she was breastfeeding and I couldn't really do anything with the baby. Fairly soon they will start smiling at you, though, which helps.

For me, I benefitted a lot from taking baby on walks in the stroller. Baby was always quiet in the stroller and the wife very much appreciated some alone time. It was a chance to burn some energy, get some fresh air, and start the bonding process when spending time with just the two of us.

 

[jack4617]

@mikeg2012 I'll tell you something you can do. Get a notebook and start writing down the exact time the baby needs anything. 2:25 diaper, wet. 2:38 diaper, but. 3:55 nap. You will find your babies pattern and will develop a lot of confidence, ability to plan stuff, and all around be better at parenting. My hubs did this for us and it was a game changer. It started us off on the right foot for sure.

 

[kfourtner]

@jack4617 There are apps which simplify this, we're using huckleberry

 

[jnathan87]

@mikeg2012 I'm convinced that the first 2 months are evolutionarily designed to make the new parents forget everything else in their lives and just focus on keeping that crying poop machine silent at all costs.

It worked perfectly all 3 times on my wife and me.

 

[banoodle]

@kath26 I'm in the exact same boat right now. My son was born just over 2 weeks ago. What's helping me through it, is just looking at it like work. There's tasks to do, I can get better at them and learn to be efficient. The less time I'm diapering, feeding, burping the more time I have to relax. Also I look at it like my wife needs me, and I'd do just about anything for her.

There is hope, he will eventually get older, sleep through the night, and be more fun to be with. Keep all of this in mind. Address the tasks as they come in. If you feel like you are going to lose it set him down in the basinet or bring him to your wife. Cool down for a few and get back to it when you can. And of course, get a nap in whenever you can. Skip household chores and go sleep, it will benefit you more.

Just remember,eventually you will get to talk to them and teach them things. Can't wait to see the look on my sons face the first time he has ice cream.. we will get to the fun stuff eventually. Don't think about how long just focus on the tasks. Good luck over the next few months!

 

[denise123]

@banoodle What you said in the middle was the most important thing I learned with my daughter. It is absolutely ok to set them down safely in their bassinet and walk away for 5 minutes.
Going outside for 10 deep breaths in a cool morning after a rough night sleep will do absolute wonders for your sanity!
Best of luck! It gets easier

 

[cosmiczombiejew]

@kath26 You will get there buddy. The first few months are HARD, it gets easier eventually.

 

[kath26]

@cosmiczombiejew MONTHS?? I can barely deal with a few days of on/off screaming. eeesh

 

[braum]

@kath26 The newborn phase will be over before you know it. I'd say "enjoy it while you can", but.. well, you know. Just knuckle down and get through it a day at a time.

Soon enough the high pitched shrieks of incessantly crying baby will be replaced with the high pitch squeals of toddler laughter, and all will be right in the world again.

 

[jnathan87]

@braum Re: "before you know it. "

No. Let's be honest. It will seem like an endless slog during which you will lament to the gods "isn't this supposed to be wonderful? Where the hell is the fun??? I WAS PROMISED JOY, DAMMIT!!!" until you get to the other side.

But slog through you can, just like the billions of fathers before you.

As I say in another post, my inflection point was when my kids started smiling between 6 and 7 weeks (YMMV). Things definitely began improving after that.

 

[littlesheep15]

@kath26 Human babies are less mature at birth than most of our closely related mammals, and the first 3 months are basically another trimester where our mammalian cousins would still have been gestating.

It'll get easier to bond with them when they get more interactive at about 3-4 months, e.g., smile back at you when you smile at them, or stick your tongue out and they copy you.

That said, I don't know how to calibrate the quantity of crying that your kiddo has compared to mine or other babies. It may be wise to rule out gas and reflux issues. In a hospital baby-care class that my husband and I attended, one piece of advice was, if they're fed and changed and still crying, try this: lay the baby on their back and you bicycle their legs for them for several minutes, and see if they let out the biggest fart you've ever heard. And then they're a lot more comfortable and happy.

Yep, human babies are so immature at birth they can't manage to fart unassisted sometimes.

 

[jessy75]

@kath26 Sleep training really helps. I would start getting a bedtime routine started early at around 4 months old so it’s easier for you guys in the long run.

It might also help to dedicated a couple of hours a day to skin-to-skin contact with your baby. It helps build a relationship between you and the baby, which might help with these feelings you are having. Another commenter suggested taking the baby for a walk in a stroller. Exercise and one-on-one time would probably really help you!

I had awful postpartum depression. I did not feel attached to my son for about a couple of months or so. Skin-to-skin and getting my son to go down for bed every night on a schedule really helped. I had no idea how frustrating and awful sleep-deprivation was until I had a slobbery goblin of my own.

 

[mikula20117]

@jessy75 This. My ex was a gamer and while he was playing he would literally do skin to skin with sleeping baby on his chest while he played. Baby loved it, stayed quiet and got some sleep and it helped dad bond and attach and feel he was helping (which he was) while also doing something he loved.

 

[roserain]

@kath26 I had the same reaction when people told me this. Especially when you aren't sleeping and you're always in between feedings and changings. Time moves sooooo sloowwwwww. Then I'd have other friends say "oh I miss those days" and I'd think "you miss this?! so does that mean this is as good as it gets?! this sucks!." No...what you're in sucks and its compounded by lack of sleep and your concept of the passage of time being so warped can make it feel like this will be how life is now.

Those first couple month's of my kid's life still feels like it was a year....but the rest is a blur. Trust me, it gets great. Once you're actually making eye contact and there is unspoken communication between you two. Once you can interact. Once they're sleeping mostly through the night...it'll be good. You'll go from hating it to loving it. Or at least I did. You just gotta hang in there and be strong. Remember, you gotta be strong for the kid, your wife, AND you. A few weeks from now the fog will lift, you will have gotten your footing, and your kid will have figured stuff out too. Nothing like it once they're aware, interacting with you, knowing you're trying to help them instead of crying in your face, laughing at your stupid faces and noises, and lighting up when you walk in the room. You're closer to all of this than you think its just that time will feel like its moving slow right now because you have no sleep and you're living life 2 hours at a time.