For context, my husband (36M) and I (32F) got married last December at our home and began planning a reception to celebrate with friends and family. A week and half later, we found out we were expecting a surprise baby. We didn’t think we could have children, but after years together, life found a way. I never wanted to be a mom, but at the time it felt meant to be, a blessing and so I embraced this future.
My pregnancy was fine, better than expected and I was looking forward to meeting my son. We moved back to our home state to be closer to family and friends so we’d have a support system. I had my son 3.5 months later. The birth also went better than expected, he came fast, like he couldn’t wait to meet us. We were in awe of this tiny person and immediately in love with him.
The first two weeks, my husband ditched us on a daily basis and treated his short paternity leave as a vacation and would only assist with helping me change a few diapers and hold him while I showered. This took me by surprise as he said he planned to be very involved but it’s like because I decided to ebf, he thinks he’s not needed here. I also had a very had time healing after vaginal birth, I had wound breakdown and wasn’t getting any breaks to nap or not be sitting down feeding. My husband would tell people to come over without asking me and I was so stressed out. I cried multiple times a day and he would just say “sorry you’re sad.”
He has continued to take off for hours at a time or to literally go outside and chop wood for 2 hours and then come inside and game the rest of the day. He says to just text him if I need him but when I do, 20 minutes goes by and at that point I’m already dealing with it and just mad. I am on meds for PPD already, please don’t jump right to depression. This has all felt like a struggle, an upheaval and a pill isn’t a cure all.
My son is 2.5 months now. He’s been colicky since about 3wks and very difficult to deal with. I do love him and would die if anything happened to him. He also has reflux and bad gas, so he tends to be high maintenance: wants to be held constantly (I do baby wear and that helps). His Ped knows about all of this and has only suggested simethicone gas drops. They watched me feed him and he has no ties. He will take a bottle no problem either.
His dad, my husband just clings to his own independence. He tried to tell me this is my job now (I am a sahm currently) because he works as a tech 8-5 M-F. I said jobs come with breaks, days off and require more than 2hours of sleep. I also told him if he’s just going to be a paycheck to us, I can get that through a court order. He shut up quick after that.
He hasn’t had to get up at night with him at all. I let him sleep in on his days off too…He will only give him a bottle if I prepare it and he never cleans any of them after. He seemed to be getting a little better though, he actually plays with him on the play mat and will baby wear occasionally. He changes maybe 2 diapers a day, otherwise expects me to come and do all the wiping when I’m in the same room… sometimes I hide in the bathroom to force him to finish the task himself. I told him I needed him to start taking him for more than 40min at a time so I could nap since I don’t get more than 2-4hrs at a time. I said I don’t need this every day but maybe every other because I need a break from feeding/holding/entertaining/contact napping (I don’t sleep during those) and he’s his dad so he needs to be able to handle his own offspring for longer stretches. My anus of a husband said my showers were my breaks… he brings the baby into the bathroom when I’m showering so baby can see me and he tells me to hurry up as soon as the water is off. I haven’t been able to lotion my body, shave or do any self care outside of washing for almost 3months… I reminded him that bathing is a necessity and if I’m on the “job” 20 hours a day. 40 minutes for a break is absolute crap and would be considered slave labor.
He took off to our neighbors on Saturday and was out for 7hours. I wanted to go as well, but said I needed a shower and to blow dry my hair (it’s 35degrees here) and that I could wear the baby for a bit while there and we’d leave after an hour. He said I don’t need a shower (I was on day 3
) so he just left instead of letting me get ready… we got
Into a fight when he finally came home and I said I don’t see our marriage making it if this is how it’s going to be. He said I let things build up and just get mad at him but I’m no longer mad. I’m very sad, watching everything we built crumble around me is taking its toll and that I fantasize about shared custody because at least I’d get a day off that way. I told him he’s taking advantage of me by leaving me here for hours/days at a time and not letting me do anything without him or the baby. He just got quiet but never really addressed anything… everyone says to wait a year before making big decisions but I just want to leave… my family would take my son and I in a heart beat if needed, I just can’t find many reasons to stay in this house or marriage for much longer. I don’t know what to do anymore… fed up is an understatement.
My pregnancy was fine, better than expected and I was looking forward to meeting my son. We moved back to our home state to be closer to family and friends so we’d have a support system. I had my son 3.5 months later. The birth also went better than expected, he came fast, like he couldn’t wait to meet us. We were in awe of this tiny person and immediately in love with him.
The first two weeks, my husband ditched us on a daily basis and treated his short paternity leave as a vacation and would only assist with helping me change a few diapers and hold him while I showered. This took me by surprise as he said he planned to be very involved but it’s like because I decided to ebf, he thinks he’s not needed here. I also had a very had time healing after vaginal birth, I had wound breakdown and wasn’t getting any breaks to nap or not be sitting down feeding. My husband would tell people to come over without asking me and I was so stressed out. I cried multiple times a day and he would just say “sorry you’re sad.”
He has continued to take off for hours at a time or to literally go outside and chop wood for 2 hours and then come inside and game the rest of the day. He says to just text him if I need him but when I do, 20 minutes goes by and at that point I’m already dealing with it and just mad. I am on meds for PPD already, please don’t jump right to depression. This has all felt like a struggle, an upheaval and a pill isn’t a cure all.
My son is 2.5 months now. He’s been colicky since about 3wks and very difficult to deal with. I do love him and would die if anything happened to him. He also has reflux and bad gas, so he tends to be high maintenance: wants to be held constantly (I do baby wear and that helps). His Ped knows about all of this and has only suggested simethicone gas drops. They watched me feed him and he has no ties. He will take a bottle no problem either.
His dad, my husband just clings to his own independence. He tried to tell me this is my job now (I am a sahm currently) because he works as a tech 8-5 M-F. I said jobs come with breaks, days off and require more than 2hours of sleep. I also told him if he’s just going to be a paycheck to us, I can get that through a court order. He shut up quick after that.
He hasn’t had to get up at night with him at all. I let him sleep in on his days off too…He will only give him a bottle if I prepare it and he never cleans any of them after. He seemed to be getting a little better though, he actually plays with him on the play mat and will baby wear occasionally. He changes maybe 2 diapers a day, otherwise expects me to come and do all the wiping when I’m in the same room… sometimes I hide in the bathroom to force him to finish the task himself. I told him I needed him to start taking him for more than 40min at a time so I could nap since I don’t get more than 2-4hrs at a time. I said I don’t need this every day but maybe every other because I need a break from feeding/holding/entertaining/contact napping (I don’t sleep during those) and he’s his dad so he needs to be able to handle his own offspring for longer stretches. My anus of a husband said my showers were my breaks… he brings the baby into the bathroom when I’m showering so baby can see me and he tells me to hurry up as soon as the water is off. I haven’t been able to lotion my body, shave or do any self care outside of washing for almost 3months… I reminded him that bathing is a necessity and if I’m on the “job” 20 hours a day. 40 minutes for a break is absolute crap and would be considered slave labor.
He took off to our neighbors on Saturday and was out for 7hours. I wanted to go as well, but said I needed a shower and to blow dry my hair (it’s 35degrees here) and that I could wear the baby for a bit while there and we’d leave after an hour. He said I don’t need a shower (I was on day 3
) so he just left instead of letting me get ready… we gotInto a fight when he finally came home and I said I don’t see our marriage making it if this is how it’s going to be. He said I let things build up and just get mad at him but I’m no longer mad. I’m very sad, watching everything we built crumble around me is taking its toll and that I fantasize about shared custody because at least I’d get a day off that way. I told him he’s taking advantage of me by leaving me here for hours/days at a time and not letting me do anything without him or the baby. He just got quiet but never really addressed anything… everyone says to wait a year before making big decisions but I just want to leave… my family would take my son and I in a heart beat if needed, I just can’t find many reasons to stay in this house or marriage for much longer. I don’t know what to do anymore… fed up is an understatement.
