Husband called me the c word and says I’m not being a wife

A

aelfex

New member
My husband and I have had an extremely rough year. Our daughter was born super early and has a lot of health issues as a result. I’ve had to spend months with her in the hospital but have been home since last summer besides on and off hospitalizations.

When our daughter was fighting for her life my husband went and bought a new vehicle we couldn’t afford (and I did not want) which has financially drained us. Along with the extended hospital stay we racked up a lot of debt. Shortly after our return home he quit his job without having anything else lined up which resulted in me giving an ultimatum that he needed to step up. I do 99% of the parenting and we had no nursing support at the time. He did wind up getting his shit together with the job situation but in regard to the parenting he would do well for a week then revert back to his old ways of being generally unhelpful and playing video games whenever he’s not at work.

Of course our sex life the past couple of years has been almost non existent since we did IVF to get pregnant and we didn’t want to take any risks and then me having to have an emergency c section last year along with spending months in the hospital. Then since being home I haven’t been in the mood at all since I don’t feel supported and I manage all the parenting, appointments, finances, daughters special needs care and housework.

Sorry this is all over the place. I’m a bit of a wreck. Today he snaps at me because I called to ask where he was as he just left me high and dry with the baby, I was still in my pajamas at 1 barely had a second to myself and he snaps at me for asking where he is as he said he was only going out to get McDonald’s and it was taking longer then expected (he stopped at the car wash) which is fine but it just would have been nice to know he was going out for longer then what I had though as I would have asked him to hold on so I could make myself somewhat presentable for the day.

This led to a big argument he says I don’t treat him like a wife at all, our sex life is shit and he lost all respect for me when I gave him that ultimatum last year. Now here I am for some reason begging him to stay with us even though he refuses to step up his parenting game and talks to me like I’m a piece of trash the majority of the time.

Sorry for all of this but my mind is so completely fucked up right now that I feel like we’re throwing away years but at the same time he tries to skate by doing the bare minimum and it’s so taxing on me and then to be expected to have sex with him it’s just awful. My heart feels like it’s breaking into a million pieces right now. I guess I’m just looking for some words of encouragement or advice I don’t even know.
 
@aelfex You don't treat him like a wife is supposed to?? Completely idiotic. Let him know he is not treating you like a HUSBAND IS SUPPOSED TO. He's not parenting or doing household labor. But yet he is a parent and he lives in a household.

These are the choices he made. These choices require a lot of work to maintain - if he wants you to do your half plus his, then he can count on sex being off the table because living as a nurse nanny cleaner scheduler bookkeeper for every second of your life is NOT A SEXY SITUATION and none of those never-ending jobs make you horny.

It's sick how tens of millions of men are either too idiotic to comprehend this, or, more likely, comprehend but don't give a fuck. Broadly speaking, a man can receive a cancer diagnosis and get fired and have the car break down at 9am and have a boner at 9:15am. Ok. Lovely for them? We get it, but broadly speaking things don't work that way when it comes to a woman feeling turned on. And for a long time we've been expected or forced to have sex despite our feelings. We are now pushing back 👊🏽 saying that we don't want to.

Very understandable and valid that you are not horny in the situation you are in. Every woman on this sub, and probably planet Earth, will say the same. What to do about the man? I got nothing there. I think he doesn't care to understand. I think you are strong enough to hold your position and not have sex when you don't want to 🙌🏽 that is your RIGHT.
 
@ghb I agree with everything you said. Unfortunately I’ve told him that I don’t feel in the mood when I am completely overworked and overwhelmed and he says he’s tried what I asked him but gets nothing in return. I’m like so what do I get? I have no choice but to parent day in and day out and I don’t get anything in return. Like what?
 
@aelfex Wtf is up with all these men who seem to think watching the baby for an hour (that ends up being 30 minutes because he "suddenly has to poop" conveniently), twiddling one fork under the tap and calling it "doing the dishes" and maybe once every couple months taking the trash can out means they should be entitled to sex every and any time he wants. Like, no. Do FIFTY percent of the parenting, FIFTY percent of the household jobs when you're home and maybe then their wife won't be so touched out, drained and exhausted that she might even want it too /shocked pikachu face
 
@aelfex He lost respect for YOU?

HE. lost respect for YOU?????

Because you told him that with a newborn medically fragile baby that he needed to support the life he helped bring into the world????

How does he find the strength to carry those giant brass balls all day long?! Because, the audacity is overwhelming. Girl, you can do better. You deserve better. This man is insane, entitled, selfish, and irresponsible. Let him be someone else’s problem. YOU are a gem, and you are worthy of someone who cherishes you.
 
@lil_sisa Thanks, I hear you. I feel like the most devastating part is that he’s trying to spin this in his favour and that it’s all my fault. When all I’ve been doing is trying to be the best mother I can be
 
@aelfex He's a selfish piece of shit and you'd be well shot of him. There's a C word in your marriage but it ain't you sis. You deserve someone who treats you with warmth and love.
 
@aelfex What is concerning to me about your post, aside from the glaring verbal and emotional abuse, is the brain fog you’re experiencing. This is a hallmark sign of emotional abuse. I would start making an exit plan bc these types of me don’t change. They get worse. Your husband is an ass.
 
@aelfex His version of your relationship is disturbing and inaccurate. I have found a lot of men do this to build up a story for when he cheats or leaves. Please be cautious and make plans to support yourself independently. Your husband has shown you how he really views you. His actions show he prioritizes his wants over his family's needs. Also buying an expensive new car is what sleazy divorce attorneys tell men to do before filing. It's a way to sneaking more assets over to his side.
 
@aelfex The D word is appropriate here. Divorce. I don’t think it will get better, unfortunately. I hope for you the abuse stops and you can use that time to make a decision that suits you, but it is just that. Abuse.
 
@aelfex I’d dump his childish ass. Calling you a cunt? Those are fighting words. You could return the favor by calling him a cunt but I suspect he lacks the warmth and depth.

It sounds like he doesn’t respect you at all and doesn’t want to be a father. Give him his wish. Then go to the courts and ask for alimony and child support. If he wants to call you a cunt, show him how cunty you can be.
 
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