How to talk about sex education to a child?

[snoopy90]

Hi Parents of reddit,

would like to ask a very serious advice.

I help take care my sisters two little girls, both 5 and 8 years old. Both are very sweet, curious and clever. Let me go back a little bit and tell the story behind this, so my sister has a bi-polar, she divorced with her husband (the girls dad) after she gave birth to the youngest, it was almost 5 years ago, the divorced was hard for her and that guy just left her and the kids even until today never give child support. Sister was so broken that she unable to even breastfeed the baby which was 3 months old that time and give both girls attention, so me help her to take over what supposed to be her job, to take care of both of them, changing diaper, waking up every 2 hours, giving the role of a mother for them, I love them and see them as my own (not an easy task to be honest and that really changed my life a lot because I just a young people who just want to enjoy my youth not having the responsibility taking care of two babies, gosh that reminds me how many things I gave up for the 3 years I take care of them) But I am not in this post to complain about that part, these girl are the part of journey in my life and caring for them makes me learn a lot about, baby, kids stuff and yes. Parenting. The girls attached to me a lot, only wants the food I make, sleep with me, always listen to me, I teach them good stuff and they are very clever and sweet.

Since two years ago so when they both are 5 and 3 years old, my sister (who is stable enough) try to be close again to them, which is works. They are now get along and the kids love sleeping with her mom again. I still do the roles because we live together. But I try not to get to attach so much cause yeah I want to start living my own life and its good for the girls close and love her mom. My sister isn’t a bad mom, she cook them food, and take care of them but there are some system that my sister and me have on raising them are different. I rarely gave them phone, and she gave them all access, phone (8 yo got her own phone), ipad, watch youtube (not the youtube kids the normal YT) like too much time 8hrs a day or maybe more, they hold gadget every time they eat, play. and what upsetting me the 8 years old know about Tik-T*k, in my opinion Tik-T*k is just too soon for an 8 years old, too much information that she will curious about and stuff that she probably not supposed to see yet. I was so upset and I can’t do much, its her kids. I try to stop them, I can’t give the rules. Last year, we accidentally caught on YT history some sexual content, and she have app Discord and make friends and sending 1 smiling picture to someone, my sister was so angry and yelled at the 8 years old (was 7 that time) maybe it was on accident or she just so curious and too smart. So my sister let it go, I warn her about Tik-T*k and she gave compensation and the girl can only play Tik-T*k on the weekend so they install and uninstall the app every week.. *facepalm* I know, what’s the point?? It’s so upsetting but again I remind myself its her kids, I can’t control it. To be honest, giving the girl phone to early is already a mistake, but it has happened me pissing of won’t ever matter the little girl already aware of internet world.

So the question I asked is because of this:

Few days ago sister catch the 8 years old reading a hen*ai online comic site, basically a porn comic. My sister was super angry and now this time she come to me and ask for help. I am so disappointed and sad. I taking care of the 8 years old since she was 2 until 6 and I know she have talent, she smart and sweet. Knowing now she knows too much cause that unfiltered internet access my sister gave just so upsetting. But complaining to her don’t help anything.

I had a talk with the 8 years old, ask how much she saw, she told me she just curious and I asked where you know about this and she said Tik-T*k. (Gosh that damn app) I believe this girl is pure curious, she doesn't understand and know about sex yet, which I guess its the time to teach her? I don’t know when is the right time, what age? So I did tell a little but I am scared if I spill too much.

Any parents here have advice for me? What should and how should I talk about sex consent to an 8 years old child? Which topic I should start? How much I should tell?

note: I am from and live in asia, and sad to tell but talking about sex education isn't a topic that people usually upfront and part of culture to discussed it . I never had any proper sex education taught in school and today it still not a topic school will give in here.

 

[albertha849]

@snoopy90 I think its important for kids to know their own body parts first. My daughter questioned her dad about his "big vagina" she saw one time so i explained about penises. She asked where babies came from and i explained uteruses and child birth. I told her that she would learn about sperm, eggs, and all that stuff later (she said ok.) Curious about viruses, HIV came up so we started talking about bodily fluids, sex (in a biological sense. Shes only 6.) And so on.

Dont miss learning opportunities. I never really sat down and talked. Just answered questions honestly as they came. With hentai, you should stress that it is fantasy. I imagine shes reading it more for the story (ive read/ watched things that made me question if it was hentai or not.) Kind of like how porn is pretty fake.

 

[upaxgunxgrave]

@snoopy90 I agree with what the other commenter said about naming body parts is the best first step and then appropriate and non-appropriate touching and privacy. There are plenty of great books available online to help with the teaching. My child took Our Whole Lives sex education through our church when they were five years old. And even though had exposure to all of the information, presented in an age-appropriate way, they were really most fascinated with how babies develop. Your niece's curiosity is likewise coming from a place of innocense. The important thing is that she not feel shamed or punished for her curiosity but rather feel confidence in her mom and you as a safe source to get those questions answered and as the people in whom she will continue to confide.

 

[christianhelp]

@snoopy90 What I did with my children is to not make it a big deal and answer every question straightforward. I would say that sex is how babies are made, and when people become adults, they naturally develop a desire for sex or the species would go extinct. The media makes sex to be more than it really is because they take advantage of this natural desire for sex to make money. Then I would go on to explain marketing, supply and demand, jobs, taxes, etc.

 

[gnatsmom]

@snoopy90 You have already gotten some good advice on how to be open and age appropriate. I answer my children’s questions as honestly as I can in a way that they can understand for their age. My eldest is 7 and she knows quite a bit about the biology of where babies come from and some functions of the female and male body. We haven’t had to discuss pornography yet but I agree with the other poster who said be sure to explain that is a fantasy. It’s enough to say that it’s content for adults that she is too young to see because it would be confusing at her age. Explain what she saw is not like real life. And maybe help her find some age appropriate manga.

You may not be able to make rules but is your sister open to tools that can help limit the screen time? This may be an opportunity to suggest some parental control apps and screen time limiters?

I also wanted to say that you have done a good thing by helping your sister with her kid for those two years. I have a mentally ill sibling so I understand how they can go through periods of not being able to take care of themselves. It is exhausting. You have done a good thing.

 

[laurie2777]

@snoopy90 This is not child appropriate content. There is nothing wrong about children learning about their sexuality, but it needs to be in a safe and positive way. It is not a little child's fault there lacks safe supervision and she should absolutely not be punished. You and your sister are primary caregivers for them and needs to work together to make sure the children are safe. If you don't want that responsibility and your sister can't do it on her own this needs to be reported to he appropriate authorities

What you can do
-put strict child protection on all devices the children has access to
-talk to their school so they're aware about what the children have been exposed to
-talk to your sister or get help from someone who can

The most important thing is
-begin talking to the kids about what they've seen, what it is, what it's for, why they got such a strong reaction from your sister, about what is legal to to and not with a child (the difference between mum forcing them to brush their teeth or having a bath and someone forcing them or coercing them to put for example a penis in their mouth), how whatever happens it is never a child's fault and you'll always believe them if something happens, that all adults and teens know what is legal to do with a child and not and to not believe it if someone tries to tell them otherwise, about bodily autonomy and saying no, stopping when someone else says no, about how it is okay and normal to touch yourself in ways that feel good, but that it is inappropriate to do in public, that it is dangerous to stick something in your vagina etc.

All these things may seem inappropriate to a child, but this is so important. It is important firstly because it drills them on both placing and respecting boundaries while also not shaming.

Secondly because it's more difficult to trick children and scare them into silence, coerce them and manipulate them, even in the worst case scenario. And they know it is safe to ask questions no matter how taboo they may be or what others may say. You opened up the door to conversations about whatever they may need to talk about now or in the future, and show them how you'll always handle what they have to say, and if they're ever told you'll never believe them so they shouldn't say anything, or that you'll stop loving them if they ever say something, they know it's a lie and to come to you anyway.

Thirdly it's even more important to your children as they've learnt about sex in the opposite way to what they should have. They started with the abnormal stuff and doesn't even know what is normal and not etc. That makes them vulnerable to pedophiles, as they pray on naive and trusting children. They don't usually jump children, that's dangerous to them. They have to gain the child's trust. Seeing as yours even watches porn, they're already familiar with sexual actions and thinks it's normal. They're easier to trick.

As my last argument for thorough sexual education from a young age is that children, through role play, play out their experiences to sort out feeling, put words to emotions and just work through things and sort out their brain. Through play your children might be doing sexual acts to other children. Playing doctor, looking and carefully touching each others genitals isn't in itself a bad thing for children.

So how do they safely explore? We're talking 3-8-year olds here
It is of course only okay in free play. That is when children spontaneously and mutually engage in play together. It is important though for children to (even though they feel like they're alone or doing something in secret) be supervised while this kind of play is going on. The adult/s need to make sure that the children are of the same age. They need to be of the same emotional and cognitive maturity, and the power dynamics needs to even. And that the adult steps in if at any time one of the children might not want to do something or is done playing, or if the children needs to rain it in a little

It is normal for two 7 year olds to hide in the bathroom and look at, discuss or gently touch each others genitalia with a childlike and curious tone. It is not normal for them to do sexual acts like trying to fit a penis in a vagina/butt, stick objects into any openings or try oral sex. It is normal for them to stick their tongues out and let the tips meet or smooch each other on the mouth. It is not normal for them to kiss in an adult manner. It is normal for a child to show interest in pleasuring themselves. It's not normal for a child to show interest in pleasuring someone else. It is normal for a child to be interested in and knowing terminology like penis, vagina, sex, womb, period/menstruation, pads, tampons, testicles, semen, eggs, embryo, birth, umbilical cord etc. in a context that makes sense. It is not normal for a child to know terms such as giving head, hard, fingering, sucking, cum, or how semen looks or tastes. It is normal for two children to lay on top of each other with clothes on during play. It is not normal for one child to do any of these things while the other resists. All the "not normal" things and many more are indicators of possible sexual abuse. Be aware.