How to get kids to understand I need alone time

[sammyhales]

I’m a single mom of a 9 and 4 year old. My daughters father died last year. My sons father isn’t around and hasn’t been since he was 6 months old. ( very abusive and went to jail for abusing me while pregnant) Only type of father figure he knew was my oldest a father who died.
I work and go to school. I just cut back on work hours so I can spend more time with them. But I have a hard time setting boundaries. For example . bed time. They each have their own rooms but always sleep with me.
Now schools out and we are with each other all day until I have class 2 nights a week and then work 3 nights a week and don’t get home until 1am.
When I say I need space they don’t respect it and then I get angry/anxious because I feel smothered.
We do things together all day. The pool, fishing, the beach. But anytime I want space they get sad then I give in. Please someone tell me how I can get some space and set boundaries and not feel like a bad mom.

 

[rosemarycrispin]

@sammyhales Getting them out of your bed is step 1. Now that it’s summer time, maybe you can use that to your advantage. I put my 3 girls to bed at 7:30pm, they each have their own room. Then, they are allowed to stay up and read in their rooms until it’s dark (8:30pm). And then they usually fall asleep around 9.

But you definitely need them out of your bed. When my girls go down, it’s “my time”, I can read, watch a movie, or get to sleep. It’s so important.

 

[youngwolf]

@sammyhales I tell my kids I need a time out. I close my bedroom door, listen to music, read, or watch tv until I can deal again…

 

[btiff209]

@sammyhales I am a single parent to a 5 year old and his father passed 4 years ago. I know this feeling… every single day! We do spend every waking moment together and some days I don’t really like the kid lol. But I do. So what has helped me is to explain the plan.. in detail. “Ok what do you want to do, I will do your ‘thing’ with you and then it’s moms time” explain why. I love you and I do everything you need, now it is my turn. As you do that daily, it becomes routine. Ok, mom played with us, now it’s our turn. Explain why. That you love them and love playing with them but you’re human. You need time and space too! It’s only natural. Another thing I do before I get too overwhelmed and yell, is literally lock myself in my bathroom or closet. Even if its just 10 minutes. It keeps me sane!

 

[victoriouswoman]

@sammyhales I'm sorry that you and your beautiful children are going through all of this. The loss of their father and father-figure must be so very difficult on them, which causes them to cling to you more. I have 3 children now (2 with my husband) but I was a single mom (totally absent 'partner' of my oldest child) until my oldest was 7. It was great to be with her all the time and it was a challenge. Let's be honest. It's nice to watch something other than a kid show or eat pancakes. Anyway, I let her sleep with me too. She had her own room, but it was just us, we were a team, so we spent a lot of time together. My mom and sister watched her when she was younger and I was at work, but as she got older it was really just her and me. Someone else noted that when their child got older she napped or slept in the mom's room during breaks at college. Mine did, too. Even though she was college-age, and I was married to a great guy (that she calls dad), and there were 2 more kids in the house, she still felt a great deal of comfort hanging out in my bed. I believe you know your children best and can invite them to your bed when they are having a tough time but they definitely need their own space. One thing I'd strongly encourage is to NOT treat the kids the same. They are 5 years apart in age and the older child could begin to resent the younger child if they are treated the same. For example, my older kids always had a slightly later bed time than the younger ones (like 30 minutes difference). When my son was 9 and his younger sister was 5, he could go to bed at 830 and stay up until 9 in his room/bed, but my youngest had to be in bed by 730 with lights out by 8. Also, my son could get up in the morning without waking me, but the youngest had to wake me up as soon as she woke up -- to show that I trusted each of them at different maturity levels and that the older child deserved more privileges but also had more responsibility. What this goes to is that you show respect for them and their state in life and, in turn, they show you respect. By staying out of your bed unless invited, by giving you time alone (just like you give them time), etc. I know these may seem like small things but they create an atmosphere of respect for age, position in the family, and boundaries. I pray you find peace and alone time soon. It is so very important to keep yourself going so you can love on your babies and raise them well.

There are some great books out there on Boundaries with Kids (teens, etc.). You can buy them almost anywhere or rent from your library: bit.ly/3N591GY

 

[tpevy2]

@sammyhales I am so sorry for your loss. I am so happy that you are pursuing your education and working to support your kids. One thing that worked for me when my kids were little was to make some sort of activity calendar. You can use a special sticker to place on the days when you will be having special family time. Then you can use another sticker to use for times when you can each hang out in your own space, this can be called quite time. The visuals help kids so much. You can give them ideas on what to do with their quiet time. Some ideas are: read a book, art, journal, anything they can enjoy on their own. When they see the calendar they will be able to visualize the together time, this can help for those moments when alone time is necessary. It will take time to make the calendar but honestly it can help so much in the long run. Get them involved in the process and they will learn to respect and give you the space when you need it. You are doing a great job! Hope this activity can help.

 

[cable]

@sammyhales I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m a single parent and I allowed my daughter to co-sleep with me when she was younger and moving her to her bed was very difficult around age 6. But sometimes throughout the years she would still get back in my bed.

When she was a teen and I would have an overnight work trip, she would sleep in my bed while I was gone or take naps in my bed after getting home from school (latchkey child).

As a result of me not being more firm, she is 19 now and when she is home from college she still takes naps in the afternoon in my bed with me on the weekends. Sigh. She says it’s because she misses me and wants to be around me which is nice to hear.

I don’t really mind it since she is away at college most of the year, but even now when I need space when she is home, I hide out in the bathroom and take long bubble baths for some alone time which she does respect. (Yes, I’m still trying to get alone time at my age!)

My advice is to definitely stop the co-sleeping while they are still young so you can have alone time to rejuvenate as they grow and become more independent. If you are not firm, they will jump right back in your bed as they grow up and good sleep is critical to a happy existence.

I’m not sure if co-sleeping harms or helps them, but my daughter is very independent, outgoing and super smart. I think it depends on the household. You should implement sleeping rules that help support your overall mental health and well-being which in turn supports the children.

Good luck to you and hope you are able to get the alone time you need.

 

[islamthetruth]

@sammyhales Do you have any family support? If you do, lean on them. It will help a lot. What I've done with my kid in the past is to try and tell them in a way they can relate to, like if they have times when they want to be by themselves or away from their sibling. Even though they want some alone time, they still love them very much. I can't relate to losing a partner like that, I can only imagine how difficult that would be. I'd you ever feel you need to vent or want someone to just listen, shoot me a DM, I'm always free to lend an ear. I hope your night gets better.

 

[mosmiles]

@sammyhales You can use Zquil lmao