How to discipline my 12 y/o son w/ ASD & Hx mental health

[lina778]

12 y/o son. Spoiled by most means. So much that his grandparents bought him both an Oculus and PS5 for the holidays.

He has mental health issues and can. be a harm to himself. He has Threatened to over the last few years.

This is the first year he’s had friends in school. He uses the PS5 and Oculus to play with them when they’re not there.

He’s a verbal and high-functioning kid on the spectrum. However he does poorly in school even with all of the services.

His room is absolutely disgusting. His father and I took trash bags to the room today and put anything that wasn’t trash in them.

My mother did this to me when I was this age.

My fear is, is this going to make him think about harming himself. We’ve been very hesitant on punishing him simply for this reason.

Does anyone have any wisdom or guidance? My mom passed a few years ago and she was my parenting guru. Which is why I’m here.

Hi, BTW!

 

[kelly99]

@lina778 Have you sat down with him and taught him the process of cleaning his room properly, coming up with a system together that works for him to keep on top of it independently, and explaining/showing the value of it?

For example, you could make an eraser board cleaning list with him, ask him if he knows where to start, and work from there making a manageable list/ flash cards/pick sticks/ color coded bracelted he can only take off when the related chore is completed, "objective/quest" board - anything that strikes his interest and tied cleaning into it.

If that happens to be video games, I know the app store and play store both have apps that make keeping up with cleaning/self care/chores into basically your own living video game with stats that you build by taking care of yourself and your surroundings. Clean with him the first few times and talk about how it makes you both feel as the process goes on, take breaks if either of you starts getting a little irritated, discuss different ways to do the tasks that go with cleaning his room, and maintaining it. If one way seems boring or frustrating, make up a fun way together that makes the chore bearable (laundry basket ball, a designated bin for toting out everything that doesn't belong in the room, whatever works!). By the end, he should understand a little better how keeping up with this can impact him for the better, and you aren't just trying to force him to do things he doesn't like doing.

Set down some boundaries when all of this is done. "Your room is yours, and I won't get in your space or make cleaning deadlines if you keep it clean within these boundaries... (no food or dishes stay overnight, once a week, laundry gets picked up for washing, wipe down the gaming snacks area however often, whatever that may look like for your household)

I definitely don't recommend just taking his stuff and hoping he figures it out.

 

[lina778]

@kelly99 Thank you. We’ve definitely sat him down and explained and made sure she understood what needs to be completed. I’ve had him try to do certain things to make sure he understood.

We have a dry erase board in our kitchen listing what is expected to do. He has been taught those tasks. Most of them he can do, except sweeping the floor. I can’t tell if he really can’t do it or if he is sweeping to hard and cannot put a pile together to “get out of is.”

The boundaries definitely need to be consistent. Despite them being understood, they are rarely kept.

And I honestly didn’t even think there were apps applicable for these sorts of things. I use task apps, and the such, but didn’t consider to use them for him too.

Thank you.

 

[anonymouslizard]

@lina778 Um. Get your kid a therapist.

This is a basic requirement for children with behavioral needs, especially ASD. He should have been receiving behavioral therapy for years by age 12 (assuming you got the diagnosis early). Early intervention is very important for kids.

You are applying tactics that are not going to work with a neurodiverse child, and I don't even know where to begin here. I have a child with ASD, and I have literally spent years communicating with therapists and doing research to help my child succeed. It sounds like you either haven't done this, or you've ignored the advice you've been given.

The list I could provide is way too long, but your child needs a therapist. A behavioral therapist. They can, and should, be able to make a plan that works for your child's specific needs.

 

[lina778]

@anonymouslizard Hi! Thanks! He’s had a therapist for awhile.

So, his therapist knew and agreed of said punishment due to this situation. They feel this is not an ASD thing but rather a refusing, lazy or manipulating the situation. I was just including ASD for more information.

I appreciate the recommendation about research. I’ll definitely look in to doing more. Are there one or two options that you would have recommended in this situation? I’m truly interested because I’ve worn the wheel or what we haven’t thought of or tried yet.

Kind regards!

 

[anonymouslizard]

@lina778 Turn off the screens. My son is only allowed to have screens when he does his chores.

If you're worried about self-harm, that's a hospital/therapist situation. They need to help him.

 

[lina778]

@anonymouslizard We’ve been doing the no screens until after chores for years. It has not helped. In fact it takes him 2-3 hours to feed our cats and dogs, clean the cat litter, empty the dishwasher, sweep our main hallway. Why? He fights it and thinks we will give in due to time and whining and complaining.

The self harm issue, his therapist has not had any concerns. This is a more me and his father that are concerned.

 

[anonymouslizard]

@lina778 Then don't fight him and ignore the complaining. Don't engage with it. No one likes to do chores.

 

[cyzy]

@lina778 While I do not have a son who is on the spectrum, one of my three has struggled with mental health and drug abuse issues for several years, including spending a week in a psychiatric hospital after a particularly spectacular meltdown. He is now 25yo and lives at home with us.

He also tends toward "laziness" (to oversimplify greatly), but he does love his computer/video games, so the single most effective tool in our behavior modification arsenal has been our ability to turn off his access to the internet. My wife and I established very specific behavioral expectations for him (must have a job, do certain chores, no yelling and screaming, etc.), and in the past have used the withholding of internet and phone access (or sometimes just the threat/reminder of our ability to withhold internet and phone access) as our leverage. It took some time for all of us to figure out the details, but once we did it worked very well. We have not had to turn off his internet access in over a year, and he has made great strides in his maturity and self-sufficiency.

FWIW, if I were you I would focus less on getting him to "understand why these actions are necessary" (quote from a separate comment thread) and simply make clear and reasonable rules, e.g., "You can play with your phone/PS5/Oculus after you have done x." It's not necessary that he "understand" why you're asking him to do something; he may not even be developmentally capable of understanding. (My then 23yo certainly wasn't, though the drugs he was on probably contributed to that.) Simply establish appropriate rules (that you are 100% sure you are able and willing to enforce), and then enforce them.

 

[lina778]

@cyzy I’m so sorry about your son’s addiction. I hope is doing well.

Thank you for this. Simply removing internet access is something that I’ve never thought of. It’s usually remove the items that he loves are what I focus on. We’ve definitely tried to explain, or show what I can, what behaviors are acceptable as well as other responsibilities. He’ll cry. Pound on his walls and doors on occasion. Either his father or I can take this annoyance of what he’s doing or, the shear fear of him thinking or really wanting to harm himself.

I appreciate the honesty and experience you’ve share. Thank you.

 

[theberlintall]

@lina778 Honestly, it's his room. You might not like how messy it is, but it's his choice.
Unless there is food waste in there, I'd let it go.
Pick your battles.

 

[lina778]

@theberlintall We definitely found a lot of food waste, but I’ll definitely take your advice into consideration.