How to deal with daughter’s first boyfriend? Don’t want to be “that mom”

[angroth33]

As the title says. I have three daughters: 14, 9, and 7. My eldest is from another relationship than my two youngest. I’m a single mom. My eldest daughter and I are rather close because I had her when I was only 19. She’s always been rather honest with me I thought. She’s not shy per day but she’s definitely not loud or Ms popular or anything. I’d say kind of a wallflower ish type. She has a lot more friends these days than she had growing up which makes me proud that she’s stepping out of her shell more. She started high school in the fall and I found out recently than for the past two years almost she’s been hiding the fact that her childhood best friends she’s known since she was 7 and her are now dating. Like for 2 years she’s been hiding this from me. I didn’t even find out from her, I found out accidentally from her phone being left unlocked on the kitchen island and me accidentally seeing a text thread with him that was fairly explicit…

When I confronted her about it she was really closed off and wouldn’t really answer me unfortunately, but I told her she needs to get on birth control. She was really annoyed about that part and acting as if that will cause issues with her relationship? I just don’t want her to end up like what happened to me. She was there she should remember the struggles we went through those early years!

I need advice. I want to be supportive. But it’s hard. I know he’s a bit of a prick. Douchy sports jock type that probably is sleeping around even if she doesn’t buy it. She’s too good for a guy like that but I don’t want to be that mom. Any advice?

 

[leaderturk]

@angroth33 I believe the best way of action is to make sure she knows that she can come to you with ANY question in regards to her relationship and you will answer without judging her.

Whether it‘s „I need birth control now.“, „I think he's cheating on me.“, „I might be pregnant.“ or „He's demanding that I do things I'm not comfortable with.“ - those are things you can only help her with if she dares to tell you about it.

 

[bless16]

@angroth33 Unfortunately some lessons do need to be learned the hard way. I agree that you should not be too overbearing or assert your opinion, she’s been keeping this from you for a reason. Maybe she knew you’d be worried about her repeating your mistakes?

I think the best approach is to give her all the tools to navigate her relationship in a healthy and positive way. Talk about body autonomy, how to set boundaries, offer to help with birth control or safe sex. Make sure she knows you will be a shoulder to cry on if things don’t work out, and that you will always believe her. Judging her relationship too harshly might make it harder for her to come to you for help if she needs it. Be in her corner, have her back!

There’s a great sex education website that covers everything from puberty to sex and sexuality to healthy relationships and more: amaze.org

You can’t stop her from doing something stupid but you can empower her with the knowledge to make good choices for herself.

 

[john0987]

@angroth33 First, take a step back. You can't force your daughter to take hormonal birth control and it's stupid of you to try. You should be open with her and say if she wants to get on birth control that you'll help her and get her the necessary appointments. Tell her you're worried about her going through the same struggles as you did. If they've been sexually active for the past two years, they've most likely been practicing safe sex.

Sounds like she knew how you would feel about finding out and chose to hide it from you because you're being that mom.

You just need to take a step back, let her know you're there to talk, and to listen. Observe their relationship, and guide when needed. This is something she needs to learn on her own and any external pressure will just get her to set her feet harder.

 

[donna8558]

@angroth33 Young mum here too, I was pregnant at 19.

I’d take some comfort in the fact that if she’s 14, it would be very uncommon if this dude is her forever-boyfriend. You might just not know him well enough yet, or he might very well be a prick as you suspect — and it sucks when you don’t like your child’s romantic partner — but any negative critique on your end will just push her from you and likely closer to him. If he’s a dickhead, she will work that out on her own. It’s hard not to take the wheel, but this is her journey, and unless he’s abusing her, it’s best to take a step back and just be supportive.

If she’s resistant to hormonal birth control, focus on making sure that she understands how condoms work, that she always has access to them, and keep the line of communication open. Explain to her that you’re here for the good, bad and ugly and that nothing is too taboo to discuss. Have a chat about any services like Planned Parenthood and make sure she knows that you won’t ever be mad if she needs help. Arming her with resources and information is the best thing you can do for her right now.

 

[kentuckyblue]

@donna8558 This!!

OP, the teenager years are all about breaking the status quo from childhood, finding your place in the world outside the family bubble and so on. The more you push against him, the more she will find the relationship interesting (and the more she will complain about you to him).

My kid is not a teenager yet, but intuitively I would probably try to keep them close. Tell her you are sorry you reacted that way at first, but that the bottom line is, you only want what is best for her. And that you trust her judgment (even if you don’t 100%). Tell her she is welcomed to bring him to hang out at your place and play nice (maybe your impression of him will change… maybe it will get confirmed, but either way, she will be safer under your roof than any place else).

The “nothing is too taboo to discuss” is key!! I totally agree with that.

 

[vissie]

@angroth33 I think high school boys don’t have the emotional maturity to be in a relationship imo. (Speaking as a former high school boy). But it is impossible to avoid obviously. All you can do is let her fail but try to support from behind the scenes unfortunately. This is probably the best for your relationship. take everything I say with a grain of salt though because your situation is one I cannot relate to as well as others.

 

[delightful]

@angroth33 I’m a mom to girl also. I hated her boyfriend in high school. He was a smart jock type. He made everything a competitive grades,sports,and even friends. He was such an AH. He was emotionally and verbally abusive,and had some really bad control issues. I knew it,saw it a lot. The only thing I could do was warn her,she had to figure it out on her own. I know the power struggles some girls have with their moms are rough. Honestly mine would talk about birth control either,I kept a box of condoms in the bathroom,no questions ask..

 

[angroth33]

@delightful Yes my concern is he probably is sleeping with other girls. I’ve known this kid since he was seven. He is super douchey and always has been. I never liked him when my daughter and him would hang out even as little kids.

 

[kruick]

@angroth33 Even if that’s the case, treat him kindly. Invite him to dinner and treat him with respect. Get to know him and ask your daughter about him. Doing the opposite of being blatantly rude to him will only push her to him.

 

[gortra]

@angroth33 I would say encourage safe sex and let her know that she can always come to you for anything. If you put a hard stop on the relationship it will only hurt you and hers relationship. With kiddos in HS you have to let them go through those relationships and heartbreaks alone but offer to listen to them when they come to you! This is the only way they truly learn what THEY deserve or are willing to put up with. I was in a similar situation when I was in high school and my mom did all of the things above. I ended up leaving my douchey HS BF and then found the love of my life.

Idk hope this helps somewhat

 

[gobbybobby]

@angroth33 I work at a place where we do parenting classes. Many times we as mothers do not understand what boundaries are, yet are told to teach them. Look up boundaries it’s good for you and her. Birth Control should never be forced. Besides the big issue with birth control is you are saying go sleep with whoever. STIs and STDs will ruin her life. In my area one in 4 people have had one. Condoms do not protect from infections or diseases. This is where she will get to make her mistakes, don’t force anything. Just educate yourself, be open, be ready to be there for her. You didn’t find the phone either, she probably needs help, and doesn’t know what to do. When they are really hiding it, you don’t find out like that.