How to build a largefamily?

[tikihead94]

I am a single child with no close relatives, and for many years I longed for a large family. I just had my first child and every day I keep coming back to this dream.

But I have no idea how to get there: I was a programmer and just finished law school, my husband is a mechanic engineer, but we are currently jobless thanks to the pandemic and living with my parents.

So I’d like to ask:

A) what kind of jobs you have that give enough time to care for the kids? I’d love something that can do from home

B) how do you prepare for multiple children? My hands are full with a baby, it’s hard to imagine dealing with a baby and a toddler

C) what tips do you have for someone that has no idea what it like to have a house full of children?

(I am considering three kids so not that big)

 

[ck90]

@tikihead94 A) I have been a nanny for almost 14 years, I started when my firstborn was 3 months old. I provided care in my employer’s home for the first 4 years (3 different families due to us moving). Then when my second child was born, I opened an in-home daycare for a year. We decided that working for that many families meant a lot of working hours. Then I started nannying from my home for just one family, and have been ever since. We now have three children and a fourth on the way (just found out!), our children are all about 5 years apart from each other, so that makes it easier. But I am able to make about 30k a year raising my own children and providing home-like care for the two children I take care of. We normally do a lot of fun trips every week, but Covid has kept us home since March.

B) Try to keep things simple, everyone eats the same meal, etc. Teach children early on that we are a family that works together, so chores are shared, and you are also teaching life skills.

C) Learn as you go! Finding large families helps, I just started following Harvard Homemaker on Instagram (family of 4). I keep in contact with another families I met in online birth month groups from The Bump. They taught me a lot. Also, once kids start sports, carpools are a must. We have a carpool buddy for each child in sports, and they typically start sports at age 5. We spend some time outside everyday, it really is important. Also, join your YMCA! They have swim lessons, sports, and all kinds of family activities! Plus a child watch for your kids while you work out. I miss my YMCA soooo much. I can’t wait for covid19 to be done so I can join back up.

 

[gloria_]

@tikihead94 A) We chose to have six kids on a $50k to $70k salary in a low cost of living area. Probably not the wisest choice, but it was a good one for us. It's meant doing without a ton of stuff for several years to allow one parent to stay at home with the kids (more than 3 and there's no possibility of getting anything else done beyond kid-care so no other job at the time). But the kids grow up and go off to school and then it's not hard to add a part-time job for whichever was the stay at home parent. Again - our story - yours may vary.

B) One day at a time. One child at a time. Never planned on six. Just made the decision to add one more when we felt ready. Side note: in my experience, what you plan, never happens as you plan it. We either conceived when not particularly expecting to - though we'd talked in general about starting to try and then *poof* already pregnant ... or we'd be trying to conceive (in one case for years) and no successful pregnancies. So kudos to those who can plan and exactly space out their children. Our experience was different.

C) Chaos - simple chaos. It doesn't mean your house has to be messy or you live without an organized schedule. But it does mean realizing that at any moment, any plan you have in place may be tossed out the window by "life". Someone gets sick, someone has a problem, something (or someone) gets broken, something (or someone - LOL) gets lost, and the ever popular - someone forgot to tell you something. Being a person who thrives on coming up with creative solutions and has the ability to shift gears as needed certainly helps. But it's a learn on the go job.

Which takes me back to answer B - start where you are. If one is a handful at the moment, wait before adding number two. If having number two is where your heart is, then don't worry - have number two and you'll figure it out as you go. You only need to live one day at a time and do your best with what you have/know.

 

[katrina2017]

@gloria_ This was spot on! We survive on that and I’m a SAHM but our expenses are relatively low because we live in a lower cost of living area and we save on child care and I meal prep. There are a lot of YouTube videos on meal prep and planning. One lady cooks her meals for the month in one day and freezes the meals 3/4 of the way done so she just needs to pop one out of the deep freezer and bake.

We have two toddlers and two school age and it’s wonderful beautiful chaos. Like you said we are clean and we have a routine but life is life and sometimes you have to roll with the punches.

 

[katrina2017]

@tikihead94 We have 5 (6,4,3,3,1) and we just found out #6 is on the way. My wife is an engineer and I’m in insurance. We each have some flexibility in our schedules and work for employers that are very family friendly.

One big thing for us is that we live minutes from work/school/daycare/doctors. Our kids aren’t going to get to be in 3 or 4 different activities because we just will not have the time to run them all over and be gone multiple weekends per month.

We prioritize doing things as a family but also making sure that each child gets one on one time with mom and dad.

I know it seems like it’s not possible to add another kid to the mix but it really isn’t that much different. We had twins and after that adding the 5th wasn’t logistically impossible.

The biggest problem we’ve run into has been childcare. Finding infant care can be difficult and even more so if you are trying to get a spot for multiple kids at one place. We’ve had nannies for the last 3 years which works well but has drawbacks.

 

[cjl98]

@katrina2017 I'm thinking about going the nanny route. Interested to hear what you think the drawbacks are

 

[katrina2017]

@cjl98 One thing is there is always someone in your house. The house is clean when we leave for work and not clean when we get home.

We went through 5 nannies in 3 years. The first left because she decided she wanted to go back to teaching when her son was done breastfeeding. The 2nd was just temporary until we had #5 and we had parental leave. The 3rd was a summer nanny who was a teacher which gave us time to find another solution. 4th has to quit because of health reasons. 5th we let go at the end of the school year because she wasn’t working out & we could bring back the teacher for the summer. We just started the younger 3 in daycare and the older two are in school. All of that is to say the hiring process is stressful and it is hard to find the right person.

Some of them were really good about cleaning up after meals or snacks but sometimes we’d come home to see dishes on the table and granola bar wrappers everywhere.

Overall it was worth it for us after when our twins were little and when we had 4 at home. Now that they are a little older and we can get them all in at the same daycare it’s easier.

 

[cjl98]

@katrina2017 Thanks for the reply! I'll be working from home and I can't decide if it's better or worse to have them home with me

 

[katrina2017]

@cjl98 My wife is still working from home and I was working from home for a few weeks while the kids were here. We were able to lock doors in separate rooms and it worked pretty well because the kids were able to be outside most of the day.

We really liked having a nanny, especially when our twins were babies. Good luck! Let me know if you need some tips on finding one.

 

[jro116]

@tikihead94 A) I stay at home, my husband is a system administrator in a recession-proof field.

B) I spaced my kids out some. I knew having two under two would drive me bonkers so I waited. My first child has high special needs so we ended up spacing the first two out a lot. Second child is 8 years younger than the first, third child is almost 4 years younger than the second.

C) I was an only child and grandchild and not used to having a house full of children. Biggest tip I would say is to make sure to give yourself enough 'me' time. I don't cook or clean or anything most of the time during naps and if the kids are rowdy and it's getting to me they have quiet time in their rooms for self guided play for 20-30 minutes.

 

[katrina2017]

@tikihead94 A) my husband works, I do not. Childcare for 4 is expensive. He has a decent job, but we're not making crazy amounts of money by any means. We live smart and budget budget budget. We started out with absolutely nothing, so even our modest lifestyle feels like quite an accomplishment.

B) This one you learn on the fly. The babies come one at a time. I still say the hardest transition for me was from 0 children to 1 child. The learning curve is SO steep. My first baby's babyhood was hard. Exhausting. This did not multiply exponentially with subsequent children. Yes, two children is more work than one, but it's not twice as much work by any stretch. For the most part, children arrive one at a time and that's a blessing.

C) it's loud.

 

[katrina2017]

@tikihead94 I have a large family but really only saw them for holidays, otherwise it was my parents, me and my one sibling. I also want a large family and look forward to a growing family!

A) My husband has a mill job. It is long hours (12 hr days) but pays well, great benefits and has allowed me to stay home since our second came along. Before that I was in real estate, which is a more sporadic income (commission) but also the flexible hours made it easier with a baby.

B) Keep everything you have for the 1st that can be stored and reused. Not having to buy all of it again helps a lot. I remember getting rid of so many bibs and rags because we never used them, and then my second had reflux! We ended up buying them all back. We also put almost 3 years between our first two and less than 2 between our 2nd and 3rd. Obviously the larger gap helped a lot. But some prefer getting the baby stage out of the way, or the idea of not storing everything for a year just to pull it out again for another kid. Each has their own pros and cons, just do what works for you. The gap you choose will also make the how to prepare decision for you. Like if you have a small gap, you may need to double up on high chairs for example. A larger gap for us meant some preparation with our kid. Making sure she knew all about the new baby and to be careful with mommy, how much I appreciated her help etc.

C) Don't expect that everything will go according to plan. Always give yourself more prep time than you thought you needed. Expect them to want to help, and be ok with things not matching, being messy, and letting them figure things out themselves. I think we all know kids are loud and you'll be tired. But it's also true that most of my bruises are from attack hugs, I'm never bored, and I never knew how much love there could be. This could change as they age, but I love how much my kids love each other. It's great they love me too, but that they have each other makes me so freaking happy. I didn't know that would happen.