How night weaning is going while bed sharing - a form of sleep training

vinhhali

New member
Just wanted to share my current situation for those who can relate or are looking for solutions. It’s been a long journey. The main problem for context: even with bed sharing I rarely get a 3 hour stretch of sleep. Going on 13 months of sleep deprivation and my mental health is tenuous.

The history, 0-6 month sleep struggles:​


My baby wouldn’t sleep in a bassinet or crib as a newborn, or even in a moving stroller bassinet. We slept in shifts to hold her for 8 weeks. Then rented a Snoo for a couple months. That helped us get her into the big crib with her arms out in a sleep sack. We had a month or so of decent crib sleep (even some 4-5 hour stretches!) and then we went on a trip and the travel crib threw everything off. She started waking hourly. When we got home she was 6 months of age, and we resorted to bed sharing for survival.

A key fact: my baby was nursed to sleep from day 1. Once she could successfully latch to the breast at 4.5 weeks old, she refused a pumped bottle forevermore. We never worked on “drowsy but awake” or “eat play sleep” or rocking to sleep for an hour straight because we were always too tired with limited bandwidth and just did what worked: nursing to sleep.

Now my baby is 13 months old and despite countless attempts over the last 7 months, we haven’t been able to get her to sleep in the crib for longer than an hour and a half at bed time. Usually she just lasts 1 sleep cycle (45 minutes). But here is what is working, with slow progress:

1) Crib naps in the travel crib on the floor​


so I can sneak away safely. In the beginning she woke if I even moved or unlatched her. But since about 9 months, I can leave her for some naps. By the time I unlatch I may only get 20 minutes to myself, but it’s something. A few times I got an hour, once I got 2 hours! Key elements: cold room, blackout shades, white noise (I like the ocean sounds for sleep and study playlist on Spotify) and sleep sack for every nap. Also following wake windows and making sure she’s optimally tired but not overtired.

2) the Jay Gordon night weaning method for families who bed share​


(someone here recommended it, easily found on Google). We’re currently stuck on the method used for nights 1-3.

3) recognizing it’s not going to be easy or without tears.​


My baby is stubborn, smart, knows what she wants and can be relentless - the kind that cried until she threw up when we tried Ferber at 6 months (traumatizing for us parents for sure). The kind who still screams relentlessly in the car seat. As a new mom, I really struggle with her crying and not offering a solution right away. I always had a hard time putting her down as a fussing newborn even to use the bathroom. I have a therapist who I’m working with to help me understand that I can’t always “fix” my baby’s emotions, especially as she gets older, and that I’ve put my health (mental and physical) on the line to accommodate her sleep preferences, but something has to change so I can be a better mom and human during the day. She will cry eventually over weaning or not sleeping in our bed, so I have to decide when that’s going to be. The method I chose is the most gentle I found.

Now here’s how it’s going: as I mentioned, we’re stuck on the steps for days 1-3 from the JG method. I wasn’t consistent because I was too sleepy to unlatch her some nights. My therapist said that inconsistency only teaches her to keep trying and to not know what to expect or rely on, instead of understanding the boundary I’m setting. The last few nights I was consistent and she whines but was able to roll onto her tummy and settle herself after a while.

What I liked is that this method utilized the baby’s middle of the night sleepiness to work on self soothing more quickly and with less resistance. and it gradually builds upon that.

But last night she woke up fully from the unlatching, and she really lost it.

She cried and wailed loudly from 1-2:30am. My husband and I sang to her and pat her and hugged her for over an hour straight. We told her you are in bed with mama and dada, we are here, everything is ok. She was more responsive to gentle talking rather than singing (she’s currently exploding with language comprehension). She’d calm down but then get upset again. At one point she directly asked for milk without crying, just said her word for it clearly three times, so I gave it to her and let her fill up but unlatched her again following the method and the wailing resumed. I offered her some water to help with the post crying feeling. She happily took it. Eventually she rolled over whining and we kept singing and she fell asleep. Oddly she had a dream right away and was chuckling and laughing in her sleep just moments after crying.

We have to lose sleep in this process in order to ultimately get sleep. It is hard. I wanted to cry. For me, having her cry in my arms or between us is not much easier than having her cry in her crib alone. It feels wrong and harsh. However, she is 13 months old and I need to night wean so I can get on top of my mental and physical health. I need to be able to have 1 four hour stretch from 11pm-3am where she knows if she wakes up, we won’t be nursing then. I need to sleep just like she needs to sleep. What I wanted to share is that even this gentle method that still allows the family to bed share, even this still looks like a form of sleep training because it involves cutting my baby off from her primary sleep association and asking her to settle for sleep in a different way.

Last night that was very upsetting to her, but she did it with mine and her dad’s support, both of us surrounding her in a warm bed. I hope tonight will be easier for all of us.

If you are struggling, I’m happy to offer encouragement or tips from my long and zig zag journey.

ETA: for those downvoting this post, not sure what kind of high horse you’re on but there isn’t one single sole way to do attachment parenting. If judging other parents for learning, adapting, and trying new things is your way, I hope you teach a better less judgmental way to your children.
 
@vinhhali This sounds just like my first son. I so badly regretted not introducing a bottle or a dummy or something. He was boob only for 2 years. He barely ate solid foods until he weaned. He was obsessed. Booby was his first word. Everything was about the boob.

At about 20 months I just told him that in one weeks time there would be no more boob at night. We read a book about it every day for a week. The first night he whinged for 15 minutes fell back asleep and slept through the night pretty much every night since (he's 4.5).

I really hope what you are trying works because you have my full empathy. It nearly sent me totally insane. My 9 month old currently is the polar opposite, she dropped all day feeds already and might have 2 night feeds. Unlatches as soon as she's finished. I literally couldn't believe it. I used to spend an hour trying to slowly pull my nipple out of my son's mouth so I could sneak away.

Anyway, just yes, I hear you. You have all my best wishes for the coming nights.

And I don't believe this is sleep training at all. Like you say, you are literally there holding and comforting her - but I totally understand that doing stuff for 'you' (even when entirely reasonable and necessary) can make parents feel like poop because it's so easy to want to just give and give and give everything you have to your kids.
 
@aligirl1964 Thank you, I so appreciate your response! You’re tough for sticking it out for 20 months! Did you have to bedshare too? My god, if this leads to her sleeping through the night instead of just a 4 hour stretch, I’ll be both shocked and a new person.

I call it sleep training because there are many forms and it involves “training” my baby to learn a new sleep association / skill instead of doing what has been most easy and comforting for her since the newborn days… but I definitely don’t consider it to be cry it out sleep training.
 
@vinhhali Yes he was in our bed until 2. I was pregnant with his twin brothers from him being about 16 months until 2.

I fed all three of them for 6 weeks even at one point. But he was out of our bed by the time they were born.
This time round I would not have lasted until 20 months. It was too much but I didn't know better I just thought I had to do exactly what he wanted the whole time.
Now we all balance our needs. Mummy gets a break from stuff too.

I really hope you end up getting your sleep!
 
@aligirl1964 Oh my goodness, twins too! You are a pro at this point. I’m so glad you didn’t have to go through the same limitations with only nursing for sleep the second time around thank you for your solidarity and encouragement!
 
@erik44 It was called "Nursies When the Sun Shines: A Little Book on Night Weaning

Book by Katherine Havener"

He had really good language skills and comprehension but I was still skeptical about how much he was understanding. I just read it every day with him and every night when he fed to sleep I reminded him that on Friday we wouldn't be having any boob at night time when it is dark.

Also as he got older I got a clock which shows a red face at night time and a green face in the morning. This probably would have helped around this age because where we live in the summer you go to bed in the blazing sunlight and in the winter it's pitch black outside before dinner time. So using the sun as a cue just isn't really consistent.

Now we have 4 little ones the clock is a life saver and everyone understands that green light means morning and red light means stay in your bed. So it's grown with the family really well.

Link to clock: https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B07VXG25WJ/?th=1
 
@vinhhali If you aren't already, I reccomend joining the Beyond Sleep Training Project Facebook group for both gentle night weaning support and support with your babies sleep. There are many parents in that group with similar problems to you - and from what I've read of their experiences, needing to be latched all night can be more than a "sleep association", it can be because of a medical reason, and so night weaning doesn't end up solving their problems with sleep. This group could help troubleshoot if so. But I do hope gentle night weaning is the solution you've been hoping for 😊
 
@gigaquad Thank you, I appreciate that! I have heard of that group on here too, I don’t use Facebook much but next time I do I will check it out. Do you happen to know of some example medical reasons? My babe doesn’t have reflux or an apnea (from what I can tell) but she is slightly anemic, we’re due for a check on that in a couple weeks as we’ve been doing a high iron diet since we found out. I have noticed zero impact on her sleep since upping the iron intake however.

I think rather than needing to be latched all night, she is “wakeful”. She stirs every 1-3 hours and stirring usually wakes her, and when she wakes she wants to latch.

I also always wondered if she just has a fast metabolism, because she nursed hourly during the day until she was like 7 months old!
 
@vinhhali Please do check the group out, it's really worth it and has helped me so much. I've seen talk in there of medical reasons for needing to be latched all night being potentially from enlarged tonsils/adenoids or oral ties but I haven't delved into it myself because that's not my bubs specific problem with sleep haha (although she has many of her own lol). But ofc the anaemia is also a cause of night waking, so that is probs contributing too.

Have you also made sure you aren't trying to get her to sleep more than she needs? Because if you are that can also cause more wakefulness. Previously I was trying to do the whole 7pm - 7am night sleep thing and my babe was waking up hourly. Then I realised her average total sleep for the whole day was 12 hours (including naps) and I was trying to get her to do 12 hours overnight and two hours of naps, so of course she was waking up lots! She wasn't tired. I shifted my expectations, we do a 14 hour day and 10 hour night and her night wakes have decreased drastically.
 
@gigaquad I did ask my pediatrician about the anemia but he said it’s not a factor in baby sleep as far as he knows.

That’s a good point. My baby has been a 11-12 hour night sleeper (with constant feeding) but does really short day naps so she averages around 13 hours in 24. However she does seem to get tired and cranky with anything less…but I could try pushing our bedtime wake window and seeing if it beneficially affects night sleep as well as maybe better naps. Thank you for the suggestion!!
 
@vinhhali Interested to hear how you go because I'm in the same boat. I am also ridiculously tired and getting an aversion to feeding so often.

We tried having her dad comfort her last night and she was not happy. I also struggle with wanting to be responsive and hating hearing her cry but desperately needing something different for myself. Feeding her every 1-2hrs since she was 5months (she's 15months now) is breaking me. I plan to start the Jay Gordon method tonight.

Good luck, I relate to your struggle and it's not easy ❤️
 
@deorah We’re very much in it together, it sounds like. Let me know how it goes, please!

I’m very eager to see how tonight goes for us after last night’s hourlong intervention. Tomorrow is the last day of my mom’s visit and she’s been helping us recuperate during the day, so the pressure is on for us to figure out a way to get some rest for when we don’t have help.
 
@vinhhali How did you go last night?
I didn't end up trying the Jay Gordon method as we had visitors. But still desperate for a change as I fed her back to sleep 6 or 7 times last night.
 
@deorah Last night went as such:
Nursed to sleep around 6:45pm. Woke to nurse at 8:30. Woke to nurse at 10 and 10:45, and this point I realized she was crying out from teeth pain so we gave her Motrin. This kept her up until 11:30. Nursed back to sleep around 11:45. Slept through til 3:45! A 4 hour stretch right where I’ve been focusing the method (11-3 has been my chosen block). At the 3:45 nursing she unlatched herself and rolled over and went back to sleep. Then woke to nurse again at 5:22. This time I unlatched her still drowsy (which took a while, she kept resisting unlatching and trying to stay suckling) and finally she rolled over and went back to sleep, but only for an hour as she and my husband got up for the day at 6:30.

I’d call it progress! Teething is an interfering factor but I think I’m going to start denying any nursing between 11-3, and also unlatching her while still drowsy from 8-11 or 3-6. I am sure completely denying nursing is going to result in an hour of crying and soothing but I feel really eager for progress so we can all sleep better.
 
@vinhhali I started co-sleeping because I just kept falling asleep while feeding my baby when he was 2 months old. He's now going on 7 months (1 week away), and we still cosleep and feed to sleep. Every time he wakes, he cries, and I just stick my boob in his mouth so he will fall asleep. I don't know if I have the energy to do anything else, but I also can't handle it much longer. He just got 5 teeth ( last two breaking the surface the past 2 days), one after the other. The waking every 45 mins is bad enough, but when he wants my nipple in his mouth the whole night, I go crazy. It's torture. I am definitely going to look into this method you mentioned.
 
@sphynx Teething throws everything about the window for sure. I wouldn’t try this method on a bad teething night. Also, it’s recommended for older babies who are ready to be weaned, so I’d just ask your pediatrician first about night weaning and whether you need to make up the calories.

I will say, I wish I had tried more with other soothing to sleep methods around the 7 month time. I know what you mean about not having the energy to try anything else. What I’d do in retrospect is get help for a week (parents, nanny, friend) so you can rest during the day, and focus on trying some new sleep cues and associations and unlatching your baby once he’s full and patting him to sleep.

People say patting their butt firmly while singing or humming quietly can be really effective. At his age you’d have to pat him while he’s laying sideways and then slowly lower him onto his back for safety. You don’t even have to night wean to do that… but you may be gaining a new tool for yourselves that will save you in the long run. He won’t like it, of course he prefers falling asleep nursing, but if you want the tool at your disposal you can do both at that stage. Nurse to sleep when you want to but also teach him to fall asleep a new way.

Good luck, it’s so hard to be sleep deprived and the days feel long…
 
@vinhhali Thank you for posting this, my little guy is just about to turn 1 and we are very much in the same boat, plus he’s obsessed with twiddling my nipples and it’s driving me INSANE so I’m looking into at least night weaning but felt like him being latched was/is the only way to get him to sleep. Plus he doesn’t eat or drink very much other than breastmilk despite my efforts of offering him solid foods, but it’s hard to know whether he’s not eating bc he’s full from the breastmilk or if he’s just still not into it yet.
 
@yasminestaples I had the same problem with worrying about solids intake which is why I didn’t consider night weaning until recently. I’ve noticed she’s eating significantly more in the last month or so, but at 11 months I was not confident as she’d often even reject fruit purées with oatmeal or simple easy things. I think in retrospect she was just not as into food in terms of interest at the time and was wanting to be practicing walking.

We have started to offer more food during the day (4x instead of 2-3x) and she’s starting to eat more which is great, but it’s still hit or miss. Unfortunately my baby hasn’t taken well to cow’s milk yet, but I will definitely feel better once she’s drinking and eating more calories during the day because I do worry she gets most of her breast milk calories at night.

Our pediatrician gave me the OK to wean at her 12 month appointment and wasn’t concerned about weight gain, he did say her gain would slow as a toddler and that some days she wouldn’t each much but some days she’d make up for it. He said to think about their food intake over the course of a week now instead of a day. So I’d definitely talk to your pediatrician about that aspect and give the night weaning a try if it’s ok.

You can also try offering the breast more during the day. We’ve also been prioritizing higher calorie foods and proteins (particularly because she’s mildly anemic) so beans, chicken, hummus, avocado, cottage cheese, egg… heavier things to get her calories and energy and saving fruit and carbs for last.
 
Back
Top