Just wanted to share my current situation for those who can relate or are looking for solutions. It’s been a long journey. The main problem for context: even with bed sharing I rarely get a 3 hour stretch of sleep. Going on 13 months of sleep deprivation and my mental health is tenuous.
My baby wouldn’t sleep in a bassinet or crib as a newborn, or even in a moving stroller bassinet. We slept in shifts to hold her for 8 weeks. Then rented a Snoo for a couple months. That helped us get her into the big crib with her arms out in a sleep sack. We had a month or so of decent crib sleep (even some 4-5 hour stretches!) and then we went on a trip and the travel crib threw everything off. She started waking hourly. When we got home she was 6 months of age, and we resorted to bed sharing for survival.
A key fact: my baby was nursed to sleep from day 1. Once she could successfully latch to the breast at 4.5 weeks old, she refused a pumped bottle forevermore. We never worked on “drowsy but awake” or “eat play sleep” or rocking to sleep for an hour straight because we were always too tired with limited bandwidth and just did what worked: nursing to sleep.
Now my baby is 13 months old and despite countless attempts over the last 7 months, we haven’t been able to get her to sleep in the crib for longer than an hour and a half at bed time. Usually she just lasts 1 sleep cycle (45 minutes). But here is what is working, with slow progress:
so I can sneak away safely. In the beginning she woke if I even moved or unlatched her. But since about 9 months, I can leave her for some naps. By the time I unlatch I may only get 20 minutes to myself, but it’s something. A few times I got an hour, once I got 2 hours! Key elements: cold room, blackout shades, white noise (I like the ocean sounds for sleep and study playlist on Spotify) and sleep sack for every nap. Also following wake windows and making sure she’s optimally tired but not overtired.
(someone here recommended it, easily found on Google). We’re currently stuck on the method used for nights 1-3.
My baby is stubborn, smart, knows what she wants and can be relentless - the kind that cried until she threw up when we tried Ferber at 6 months (traumatizing for us parents for sure). The kind who still screams relentlessly in the car seat. As a new mom, I really struggle with her crying and not offering a solution right away. I always had a hard time putting her down as a fussing newborn even to use the bathroom. I have a therapist who I’m working with to help me understand that I can’t always “fix” my baby’s emotions, especially as she gets older, and that I’ve put my health (mental and physical) on the line to accommodate her sleep preferences, but something has to change so I can be a better mom and human during the day. She will cry eventually over weaning or not sleeping in our bed, so I have to decide when that’s going to be. The method I chose is the most gentle I found.
Now here’s how it’s going: as I mentioned, we’re stuck on the steps for days 1-3 from the JG method. I wasn’t consistent because I was too sleepy to unlatch her some nights. My therapist said that inconsistency only teaches her to keep trying and to not know what to expect or rely on, instead of understanding the boundary I’m setting. The last few nights I was consistent and she whines but was able to roll onto her tummy and settle herself after a while.
What I liked is that this method utilized the baby’s middle of the night sleepiness to work on self soothing more quickly and with less resistance. and it gradually builds upon that.
But last night she woke up fully from the unlatching, and she really lost it.
She cried and wailed loudly from 1-2:30am. My husband and I sang to her and pat her and hugged her for over an hour straight. We told her you are in bed with mama and dada, we are here, everything is ok. She was more responsive to gentle talking rather than singing (she’s currently exploding with language comprehension). She’d calm down but then get upset again. At one point she directly asked for milk without crying, just said her word for it clearly three times, so I gave it to her and let her fill up but unlatched her again following the method and the wailing resumed. I offered her some water to help with the post crying feeling. She happily took it. Eventually she rolled over whining and we kept singing and she fell asleep. Oddly she had a dream right away and was chuckling and laughing in her sleep just moments after crying.
We have to lose sleep in this process in order to ultimately get sleep. It is hard. I wanted to cry. For me, having her cry in my arms or between us is not much easier than having her cry in her crib alone. It feels wrong and harsh. However, she is 13 months old and I need to night wean so I can get on top of my mental and physical health. I need to be able to have 1 four hour stretch from 11pm-3am where she knows if she wakes up, we won’t be nursing then. I need to sleep just like she needs to sleep. What I wanted to share is that even this gentle method that still allows the family to bed share, even this still looks like a form of sleep training because it involves cutting my baby off from her primary sleep association and asking her to settle for sleep in a different way.
Last night that was very upsetting to her, but she did it with mine and her dad’s support, both of us surrounding her in a warm bed. I hope tonight will be easier for all of us.
If you are struggling, I’m happy to offer encouragement or tips from my long and zig zag journey.
ETA: for those downvoting this post, not sure what kind of high horse you’re on but there isn’t one single sole way to do attachment parenting. If judging other parents for learning, adapting, and trying new things is your way, I hope you teach a better less judgmental way to your children.
The history, 0-6 month sleep struggles:
My baby wouldn’t sleep in a bassinet or crib as a newborn, or even in a moving stroller bassinet. We slept in shifts to hold her for 8 weeks. Then rented a Snoo for a couple months. That helped us get her into the big crib with her arms out in a sleep sack. We had a month or so of decent crib sleep (even some 4-5 hour stretches!) and then we went on a trip and the travel crib threw everything off. She started waking hourly. When we got home she was 6 months of age, and we resorted to bed sharing for survival.
A key fact: my baby was nursed to sleep from day 1. Once she could successfully latch to the breast at 4.5 weeks old, she refused a pumped bottle forevermore. We never worked on “drowsy but awake” or “eat play sleep” or rocking to sleep for an hour straight because we were always too tired with limited bandwidth and just did what worked: nursing to sleep.
Now my baby is 13 months old and despite countless attempts over the last 7 months, we haven’t been able to get her to sleep in the crib for longer than an hour and a half at bed time. Usually she just lasts 1 sleep cycle (45 minutes). But here is what is working, with slow progress:
1) Crib naps in the travel crib on the floor
so I can sneak away safely. In the beginning she woke if I even moved or unlatched her. But since about 9 months, I can leave her for some naps. By the time I unlatch I may only get 20 minutes to myself, but it’s something. A few times I got an hour, once I got 2 hours! Key elements: cold room, blackout shades, white noise (I like the ocean sounds for sleep and study playlist on Spotify) and sleep sack for every nap. Also following wake windows and making sure she’s optimally tired but not overtired.
2) the Jay Gordon night weaning method for families who bed share
(someone here recommended it, easily found on Google). We’re currently stuck on the method used for nights 1-3.
3) recognizing it’s not going to be easy or without tears.
My baby is stubborn, smart, knows what she wants and can be relentless - the kind that cried until she threw up when we tried Ferber at 6 months (traumatizing for us parents for sure). The kind who still screams relentlessly in the car seat. As a new mom, I really struggle with her crying and not offering a solution right away. I always had a hard time putting her down as a fussing newborn even to use the bathroom. I have a therapist who I’m working with to help me understand that I can’t always “fix” my baby’s emotions, especially as she gets older, and that I’ve put my health (mental and physical) on the line to accommodate her sleep preferences, but something has to change so I can be a better mom and human during the day. She will cry eventually over weaning or not sleeping in our bed, so I have to decide when that’s going to be. The method I chose is the most gentle I found.
Now here’s how it’s going: as I mentioned, we’re stuck on the steps for days 1-3 from the JG method. I wasn’t consistent because I was too sleepy to unlatch her some nights. My therapist said that inconsistency only teaches her to keep trying and to not know what to expect or rely on, instead of understanding the boundary I’m setting. The last few nights I was consistent and she whines but was able to roll onto her tummy and settle herself after a while.
What I liked is that this method utilized the baby’s middle of the night sleepiness to work on self soothing more quickly and with less resistance. and it gradually builds upon that.
But last night she woke up fully from the unlatching, and she really lost it.
She cried and wailed loudly from 1-2:30am. My husband and I sang to her and pat her and hugged her for over an hour straight. We told her you are in bed with mama and dada, we are here, everything is ok. She was more responsive to gentle talking rather than singing (she’s currently exploding with language comprehension). She’d calm down but then get upset again. At one point she directly asked for milk without crying, just said her word for it clearly three times, so I gave it to her and let her fill up but unlatched her again following the method and the wailing resumed. I offered her some water to help with the post crying feeling. She happily took it. Eventually she rolled over whining and we kept singing and she fell asleep. Oddly she had a dream right away and was chuckling and laughing in her sleep just moments after crying.
We have to lose sleep in this process in order to ultimately get sleep. It is hard. I wanted to cry. For me, having her cry in my arms or between us is not much easier than having her cry in her crib alone. It feels wrong and harsh. However, she is 13 months old and I need to night wean so I can get on top of my mental and physical health. I need to be able to have 1 four hour stretch from 11pm-3am where she knows if she wakes up, we won’t be nursing then. I need to sleep just like she needs to sleep. What I wanted to share is that even this gentle method that still allows the family to bed share, even this still looks like a form of sleep training because it involves cutting my baby off from her primary sleep association and asking her to settle for sleep in a different way.
Last night that was very upsetting to her, but she did it with mine and her dad’s support, both of us surrounding her in a warm bed. I hope tonight will be easier for all of us.
If you are struggling, I’m happy to offer encouragement or tips from my long and zig zag journey.
ETA: for those downvoting this post, not sure what kind of high horse you’re on but there isn’t one single sole way to do attachment parenting. If judging other parents for learning, adapting, and trying new things is your way, I hope you teach a better less judgmental way to your children.
