How long would you let toddler cry at new toddler class

[jenur]

My almost 2.5 year old is starting a new Montessori toddler class twice a week which is kind of a pre pre-school. She starts pre-school in August. Until now she has been at home with our nanny with me WFH and she is a total Covid baby, we didn’t go out much during Covid and we don’t have family near us. We had her third class today.

First class I sat with her for a bit and left - she scream cried after I left, I let her cry around 20 minutes before I took her out and we went home.

Second class, I sat with her for about 20 minutes before walking out and she scream cried for half an hour until I went back in to calm her and I was allowed to sit in her class for awhile longer. It is a 2 hour class and at the last half hour I stepped out and she cried for a bit but then calmed down and was fine for the remaining time.

Third class today, the teachers did not let me go in the classroom with her and tried to entice her in with activities. She would go in with the teacher and then run back out to me. This happened multiple times and then the teacher just left her out in the lobby with me. After about five minutes, I wasn’t sure if the teacher was coming back out or not, so took her back to her classroom and I sat at the classroom door while she went in and did some activities inside the room. She kept checking to make sure I was still there. I left about 15 minutes later. And she scream cried on and off for over half an hour. Another parent who was late and who I have never met before, ended up watching the class from the door for a few minutes saw me outside and knew I was the mom of the crying toddler. She sat down and chatted with me and gave me some sweet suggestions and also mentioned that my child kept chasing after one of the teachers and saw the teacher brush off my child who was reaching out to her. She suggested I ask the teachers to embrace my child when she is so upset. And that her heart hurt watching my baby chase after the teacher like that. I saw red and at that point my child has been crying on and off (but mostly on) for about half an hour (which was my limit for letting her cry). I went to the classroom at this point and the other teacher comes out and did not let me go back in to soothe her. Said that the crying is normal and she is fine. And that I shouldn’t keep looking in bc it triggers my child, when in fact it wasn’t even me looking in! I was so pissed at this point I was going to just take her and leave. I told her I was not the one looking in and it was the other parent and told this teacher Wyatt the other parent told me. I think this teacher was a bit nervous and wanted to get out of the confrontation at this point so she said she will go in and talk to the other teacher and disappeared. While I was talking to the school admin the kids came out of the classroom, my child was still crying and she saw and ran to me. This was when the teacher with my child came to me and explained that she was not pushing my child but my child was jumping at her and she needed to put something away so brushed her hands away. She suggested I let the nanny bring her to school next time and for me to maybe be away from home on those days so my child is not so attached to me. She did say they of course would not let her cry for more than half an hour straight. She said this is all normal.

Sorry this ended up being very long and ended up just being a vent post.

I’m reconsidering this school but I’ve already paid for April so I may give it another 2 weeks to see how I feel about them. But at this point I’ll not really happy with how my child or I were being treated. We were also indirectly blamed for another student not coming today bc in the last class my child’s crying supposedly kept her crying ( she was crying when we got there!) and that my presence made her not able to calm down. Ths school is a very big brand and has campuses all over the world.

Sorry, to my question, how long would you let your toddlers cry in this type of situation? I was barely ok with half an hour but should I just let the teachers do their thing and let her cry longer? Any tips on how to help my 2.5 year old adjust? The teachers suggested I read her some books on attachment without actually suggesting specific books.

I could just pull her out but she needs to start pre k in august anyways and I thought this might have been a good way to get her adjusted. Thanks and sorry for the long post!

 

[neens]

@jenur It isnt ok to let them cry it out at all. The teachers should be talking to your child and comforting them ESPECIALLY since she is seeking their help! I would be seeing red in your situation too. Get your money back, find another school. I was worried about this happening to I enrolled my toddler in a parent and 2s class. We have kids in there like yours, who cry when their parents leave (just for five minutes). We try to tell them we will be right back, it is important that they know we always come back. While they are crying the teachers comfort them and offer them water, while the kids with no issues play.

 

[mm1992]

@jenur Going only twice a week believe it or not will take a lot longer than if she went full time. I worked in daycare and full time kids were 2-3 weeks to acclimate. Part time kids we’re talking 5-10 weeks of this. It’s really really hard at this age but it might be for the best to get through the separation now before prek. But yea maybe you can try to line her up with a more responsive teacher we always went above and beyond to do anything we could for these kids. Sometimes they had to wait for our attention of course with so many. Something that helps a lot of kids is a picture schedule showing all the parts of their day from car ride to front door to classroom to snack or play or whatever happens in school and then pick up time a picture of you and your house again.

 

[andee]

@mm1992 To provide a different opinion, It may take longer for her to settle but I don't believe full time childcare is best in the long run for a child as young as 2.5 years old, unless the parents need the care full time so they can work. I also work in childcare but in a country where very few children attend care full time until primary school age. Research suggests that more time with primary caregivers is better at this young age if possible and children thrive with a 2-3 day preschool program.

 

[mm1992]

@andee I agree of course in the US almost everyone needs to utilize childcare full time early on. I’m very lucky I bring my daughter to work with me watching another child and my husband’s income can carry us. People here are also in a rush to get their kids “kindergarten ready” which I personally think is bs in the grand scheme of things but I could up on a whole tangent.

 

[tdselector]

@jenur Pull her out. I feel like a traumatic introduction to a school setting will just make the fall harder. My daughter started preschool in the fall, and when things started going sideways, we pulled her right out. She still had some happy memories and positive associations with school, so just recently, since we feel like she’s more ready, we sent her back and she’s been picture perfect. Nothing wrong with it waiting. I don’t think your little one will be “more ready” for the fall if you push the issue now.

 

[kezi]

@jenur This situation sounds like it’s very confusing for your baby. Transitions are tough at this age, and it could be even harder when you’re in and out of the classroom. A lot of kids do much better if their parents aren’t in sight. It sounds like you need to work with the staff to make a better plan. Everyone needs to be on the same page to help your child adjust. Hopefully this teacher can be more helpful and comforting to your LO. She was wrong in the way she acted, but hopefully she was just having a bad day. What are the staff to child ratios? Unfortunately a lot of centers don’t have adequate staffing. Everyone is sort staffed, especially when staff are out sick, and it sucks. I’d consider their staffing ratios when you decide if you want to continue or not.

Most kids that are in part time care take longer to adjust than if it’s full time. She will need a minimum of a few weeks to adjust.

One book that comes to mind is “The Kissing Hand.” Id also try talking about going to school at lot. The most important thing to communicate to her is that mommy (or another caregiver) will ALWAYS come back. When I was a preschool teacher, I talked about this frequently!

Here’s a couple other suggestions:

-Get the classroom schedule, and make it into a visual schedule. A toddler has no concept of time. If you tell them mommy will be back in 4 hours, or at 12:30, they don’t understand how long that is. Show them the schedule and say “Mommy will be back later. First you will do art, have circle time, eat a snack, have recess, and then mommy will be back.” This even worked my some of my kiddos that were at the center for 10-12 hours.

-Make a visual list of what she can do when she’s sad. Some examples would be: look at a family picture (put one in her cubby), hold a comfort item, ask for a hug from a teacher, sing a song, make something for mommy, etc.

-Try to find a picture of you and dad when you were in school! One of my LOs was shocked when she realized that mom, dad, all extended family, and all family friends went to school at their age! (Even if you don’t have preschool pictures, you can show Kindergarten or first grade photos.) I never tested this as a teacher.

-Talk about and validate her emotions. It’s okay that she’s sad and misses you. Any books that talk about emotions would be helpful. You can also talk about your own emotions. Tell her how you also miss her and are sad you must work. You examples off the visual list. Tell you, “LO, I understand you are sad about going to school. Mommy is also sad and I will miss you. I’m going to come back at pick up time, just like I do everyday. When I go to work and miss you, I’m going to look at a picture of you.”

These transitions are hard. Kids can sense the stress parents go through. It actually may be helpful to have the nanny or someone else take her. Your LO might have an easier time separating from them. I dealt with this a lot as a preschool teacher. I had LO struggle to adjust. Once they did adjust some would still cry everyday at drop off… but once their parent/caregiver was gone, they stopped crying. In my experience kids tend to do better if the drop off routine is short. I typically suggested that parents do a hug/kiss, “I love you, LO”, I’ll be back after lunch, just like every other day,” and then leave.

If you stay nearby or come early for several weeks, she may start to see that you are “rescuing” her from the class. It might be teaching her that she can cry, and you’ll come back when that happens. I don’t think you’re already at that point only 3 days in, but keep it in mind.

However, you know what’s best for you and your child. For any of these things to work, the teachers all need to be on board. They need to be involved in comforting her (as long as all other kids have their physical needs met). They also need to be a part of using any visual aids you create for school.

Has she had a lot of exposure to other children? Has she been to places where there’s lots of loud noise? She’s probably also overstimulated! At this age, a lot of toddlers will cry when another child is crying. I’ve noticed most tend to stop this around 3. Keep in mind that she’s adjusting to these things too.

I hope you can speak to the staff and get this worked out! Kids this age need to have teachers that can comfort them. Ultimately you are the one who knows your child best!