How do I talk about drugs and death to my toddler?

allforjoy

New member
How do I talk about death to a child? My son's (1 y.o.) loving and wonderful father died from a heroin overdose in 2020. I will never be the same but my son will not remember this happening to us, he was only 6 months old when he passed away. I want him to grow up always knowing the truth about how he died and not being able to remember the exact moment he found out. How do I phrase it so his little mind can understand and it's not scary or causes him trauma down the track. He should know how much his Dad loved him and that his drug use was not a reflection of how he felt about us. Nor, should he worry that i will do the same.

Daddy took some bad medicine?

Daddy was sick?

Please help, I really don't want to get this wrong.
 
@allforjoy As I’m sure you know, addiction has a lot to do with trauma and mental illness. So I think both would be appropriate.

“Daddy was really sick. He tried to find some medicine to fix it, but he took the wrong kind and it wasn’t good for him.”

I’m sorry you and you’re family went through this tough time. I hope his father rests easy and the two of you can be at peace.
 
@allforjoy My twin sister committed suicide on her son's first day of kindergarten. He was 5. We told him his mommy was sick. Like in her brain, and that's how she died.
 
@cuthbert Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss. The loss of a sibling, especially a twin is tragic.

No matter how close you are to your nephew, he's lucky to have you in his life.

I really like this mentality.

As her son grows to understand the situation and more about suicide in general, he'll more easily access and apply empathetic sentiment rather than shame, contrary to his peers.

Even if he learns about suicide before knowing how she passed.
 
@allforjoy First, so so sorry for your and your son's loss.

I'm sure you talk about dad often, and clearly in a good light if and when you do.

It's not the same thing, but my cousin died when he was 5. I wasn't born yet, but "always" knew the story of his death.

It was a fact of our family's story.

He was the first person I knew of who died.

Maybe I asked about it.

Maybe our parents told us the story.

I don't remember, but I also didn't understand the gravity of "death."

And even by the time I was old enough to understand, the gravity didn't change my memory of or reaction to my cousin's passing.

I keenly remember feeling that someone important was here. Someone I should have known. I never met him. There are photos from when he was here. Now he's gone and I'll never meet him.

That's how my world was structured, and I accepted it.

It was not confusing or scary or traumatizing. It was a fact just like everyone else in the family.

My advice would be to talk about his father often and in the past tense.

He will know that he never really knew him, but you can insert the illusion of his father's presence in your son's memory, making it real as he grows up, memories of an important person that are almost tangible.

That will be helpful when he encounters doubt, disappointment, resentment, etc. in his later years.

Let his father's presence be a very palpable part of his early memories, the good and caring person that he was, while never shying away from the story of his tragic end and the sadness it brought to you both.

I wouldn't dwell on the facts of his death, but let him know.

Answer all questions he asks, within your comfort.

Understand that, as your son begins to assign meaning to words, it will take some time still to understand the metric to our rhetoric.

Some words, like death, carry tremendous weight, while most others are used casually.

This is news to them. It's not confusing unless we make it confusing.

Like my cousin, your son will learn the gravity of death, gain a greater comprehension of the situation your family went through, but may find that his sensibility doesn't change.

It's a coping mechanism to avoid traumatizing past situations and to build our own metric by which to measure new situations of similar traumas and to assign appropriate emotional, physical, and physiological responses.

Speak of the situation as literally as possible.

To the best of your ability, use your words to share your feelings.

Of course, don't hide your emotions. Rather, when he mimics yours, acknowledge that he's sharing your emotions and thank him for that support.

Help him label his feelings.

Encourage him to listen to and share his feelings so that his expression genuinely conveys his emotional state and not the emotions he thinks you expect to see.

(but also, it's okay to mimic, that's how children learn)

Naming the drug and recognizing the goodness of his father will likely help him develop an understanding of drug usage, its dangers, and its users (that they aren't criminals or even bad and scary people, but good and kind people). Most children aren't given the opportunity to understand this, to the detriment of society.

Big huge virtual hugs to you and your son.
 
@hurricane175 Thank you. I appreciate the comment.

It's valuable for these conversations to happen in a public forum, so let us all know we aren't alone, whatever we're going through.
 
@didactics Hi @didactics, I have just logged onto Reddit for the first time in years. To be honest, I don't even remember writing my post. I was a grief sticken insomniac trawling the web looking for answers and support. 3 years on, and I'm reading your post for the first time and it has moved me to tears. Thank you for such a kind and thoughtful response. My son is now 4, the age I was so worried about. He's asking all the questions I deeply feared. He wants a Dad and a sibling. It consistently catches me by surprise and its heart breaking every time. But I am literal and intentional with my words and sentiment when I answer him. It's not easy by any stretch, but I am surviving and he may even be thriving. Thanks again for your beautiful response.
 
@allforjoy Following. My child is 5. I really haven't talked about death to him. Having grown in a catholic family, the story was "when you die you go to heaven". Being an agnostic I don't know how to explain to him that we really don't know.
 
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