@criley Can't help with wi-fi blocking, but a big bag of sugar-free gummy bears could help on the 'shit himself to death' front. A couple bouts of multi-hour cramping and voiding everything he's ever even thought about eating might cause him to avoid camping in the bathroom. Good luck !
@criley When you leave the bedroom in the morning, take his phone with you. Buy an old fashioned alarm clock to wake him up. If desperate, unplug the router when you wake up.
@mkharris Maybe I can train the dog to abscond with it. Plausible deniability as she steals stuff generally (doesn’t eat or destroy stuff, just hoards), and she’s adorable so he can’t be mad.