How can I tell whether I really want another, or just feel like I should?

[amandabritobaez]

Our first is about to turn one. Before getting pregnant I was adamant I wanted two. However, the pregnancy, birth, and newborn experiences have seriously shaken me and now I'm really on the fence. If we do have a second one I'd want to start trying soon so that they're not too far apart in age, but I really can't seem to decide what I actually want.

On the one hand, a sibling could provide great benefits for our family and our existing child. We will have another child to love and experience new things with. She will always have someone to play with and be on her side, and to share the responsibility of supporting us in old age. It will help us avoid spoiling her or helicoptering her too much. I had a great relationship with my sibling growing up, and wouldn't want to rob her of that experience. That said, my husband and his sibling hated each other l, so it could go either way.

On the other hand, I had some complications that not only made pregnancy very unpleasant for me, but also caused issues during delivery which jeopardized her life and resulted in a NICU stay (she's fine now). At least some of these complications are likely to occur again. Also, having a second would mean less time for her, and less money. And we really struggled in the newborn stage and basically lived in bed and relied heavily on our parents for help. I can't imagine doing that again with a toddler. But it could be better this time since we know what we're doing now.

I often dream about having a second one, what we might name them, what they might be like. But when actually imagining trying to go through the day to day experience again I just can't see myself enjoying it.

I don't know how to break this tie in my mind. Anyone have any tips on how they made the decision?

 

[wiscguy]

@amandabritobaez Outside of your daughter having a sibling, why do YOU want to have another child? Additional children should never be born with a job to entertain or be there for a sibling. You should have additional children because you and your partner want to raise another child.

1 is wonderful age - you've survived your first year of parenting! And now have a sweet, amazing toddler. I lovingly call it the trick age because between hormones, the excitement of getting through the first year and your adorable toddler you feel READY! Then two hits (or 3) and oh man, its fun, but work and many families now have two children.

There is no correct age gap. Your child doesn't need a sibling at all or one close in age. You (and your partner) should have another child because you feel ready or the desire to raise them fully to adulthood with all the fun and challenges you now know!

 

[amandabritobaez]

@wiscguy I listed all the pros and cons floating around in my head because I don't know how to tell what I really want deep down...

 

[amandabritobaez]

@wiscguy The age gap is more about me, I'm already in my 30s so time is limited, and the longer we wait the older we will be with still young kids at home.

 

[wiscguy]

@amandabritobaez I’m 35 and made the decision the oldest old is like to be if we have another is 38, putting me at 55/56 when said child would graduate high school.

We are still undecided if we’ll have a second (first is 3), but it’s been helpful for us to set a max age and timeline to decide.

It’s ok to wait - maybe talk to your spouse about the age you both would feel comfortable if you have another pregnancy and age at high school graduation.

I know for me, I felt a ton of pressure to do the 2 year gap and realizing that it didn’t matter and giving ourself time and space has been so helpful!

 

[amandabritobaez]

@wiscguy We have talked about it. Given our current ages and life plans we don't want to do more than a 3 year gap. That's why I'm trying to decide relatively soon.