Hormones… Advice on how to proceed

[curiously]

Hi all

I’m looking for some advice and anecdotal experiences on this one.

My new girlfriend and I fell pregnant after 4 months of being together. I’m 29 she’s 27. The relationship was incredible, we’ve both never felt this way about anyone before and we spent all the time possible together.

I have my own place and she lives with her parents still. We currently plan for her to move in with me in 2 weeks time (who knows if that will actually happen tbh).

She started getting morning sickness and we took a test and it was positive. We spent some time deciding what was best to do and both came to the conclusion that we were serious about each other and saw a future together so we mutually decided to continue with the pregnancy. We acknowledged the strain this can put on a new relationship but we are confident in each other and our future together.

She is now 9 weeks pregnant and has been experiencing terrible first trimester symptoms for the last 3-4 weeks. Throwing up three times a day, sleeping constantly, shut off all her friends and isn’t speaking to them, her dad told me she hasn’t left her room or showered in 3 days recently.

Since these symptoms have started she has also admitted to finding me annoying and has become incredibly hot and cold with me, some days saying she is losing feelings for me and other days telling me how sorry she is and how much she loves me and can’t wait for the future with me.

The other change is that we used to see each other all the time, but now she obviously doesn’t want to see anyone and just wants to lay in her room on her own all day or at most lie on the sofa at her parents house.

I like to think I’m a mature adult and I try to understand the stress and what she is going through, so I am currently just texting her trying to take her mind off things and giving her some space (answering her FaceTimes and calls when she does call but not ringing her). I have let her know I am here for her always and if she wants to see me she only needs to call. I don’t want to smother her. Does this seem like a fair approach? I know men at times have a tendency to try and fix everything and for the first week of these symptoms I did fall into this trap but I am making sure I’m not doing that anymore.

I guess I’m asking is this probably hormonal first trimester stuff? She herself acknowledges this must be the case as she can’t think of another explanation for the almost instant change in attitude to me and everyone else around her. The change in her is so drastic I’m thinking (and hoping) it must be and eventually we will return to the norm which was so good?!

I know it is infinitely harder for her, but for me I just feel like I’m sat an hour away from her pretty useless and she doesn’t seem overly bothered about seeing me at the moment. The personality change is crazy!

Just v stressed at the mo.

Thanks all.

 

[agaperos]

@curiously Yeah that sounds like first trimester hormones.

Also, it sounds like she's going through a mourning process. This is a new relationship and no matter how glossy the coat, her entire life picture window, envisioned for however long, just got wrenched out of place.

So the question is, yeah it's hormonal, but if it's also a grieving process, what can you do about it to build her back up?

 

[curiously]

@agaperos Thanks for the reply. Yeah, you’re right it’s not a ‘normal’ circumstance of a long relationship and planned pregnancy. I have obviously made peace with that but probably need to accept that she may not make peace with it as fast as I have.

In terms of helping with that process I’ve been reassuring her where possible (without overdoing it) and giving her space when she seems to want it.

Perhaps I need to be more proactive in reassuring her as I tend not to discuss too many future plans unless she brings it up (probably sticking to my usual dating routine of not being overly full on, but I think this situation requires that!).

 

[soulsculptors]

@curiously Cook for her (and her parents)

 

[hope360]

@soulsculptors ^ This. At least for us , food was/is one of the most difficult new challenges. Food aversion, puking, not hungry , super hungry, ate too much , puked that 3 weeks ago and can't stand the smell, upset because not eating healthy enough.The list of food difficulty go on. Anything you can take off her plate(or put on it(Ha!))

 

[agaperos]

@curiously Might help. Good luck brother.

 

[danyyyy101]

@curiously “But obviously doesn’t want to see anyone” does not seem normal to me, unless that is her normal personality. Not showering, not seeing anyone, that sounds like depression. I would not brush it off as hormones only. Just a thought.

 

[brad_cam0]

@curiously I agree that it sounds like on top of the raging hormones and sickness, that she’s going through a lot mentally with such a change.

At 9 weeks has she scheduled her first appointment yet? Maybe you should make her a care package you can bring up on a weekend? Saltines, UNISOM (1/2 tablet) & B6 she can take every night to stop the morning sickness (my dr’s recommendation), jello, Gatorade, whatever things you know she likes when sick or may help with her appetite. Bonus tip: if she likes Japanese, the clear soup they have is packed with ginger and can do great subsiding the nausea!!

I think it’s okay to jump in a bit and make a bit of a show that you care and are there for her. Pregnancy has already been so hard on her body, and a little extra love despite the early pregnancy rage can be emotional and so so appreciated. And for the love of all things holy help that woman stop throwing up and get her to enjoy some food, that’ll win you some serious points!

 

[curiously]

@brad_cam0 Thanks for the reply. She had the first registering midwife appointment this morning, in the UK it’s a 30 min thing and a blood test. I didn’t go as she said it’s pointless me being there and I had work obligations. She did call afterwards and told me everything and we got excited about the due date and our 12 week scan.

Have made plans to see her all weekend and we have a private scan on Saturday afternoon (our first scan) to attend. Thanks for the suggestions I am going to bring a care package for her.

I’m tentatively hoping she has gone through the worst of the hormonal mood swings as it’s been 10 days or so since she’s been in a properly bad mood. Still seems like she is moving in with me in the next couple of weeks which I think will help massively!

 

[brad_cam0]

@curiously So happy to hear it! If you want or need any other snack recommendations or nausea remedies, I’d be happy to give a longer list of what’s helped me! I’d also recommend fiber bars, or asking her dr about Metamucil for the constipation. If she’s not dealing with it yet, she likely will be soon

ETA the mood swings should lessen once the 2nd trimester hits, hold out hope!!

 

[truthisfreedom2019]

@brad_cam0 Hi! Not OP but my wife and I are hoping to conceive soon, and she has a lot of stomach issues as it is, so I am concerned they will be greatly exacerbated. Any snack recommendations would be appreciated!

 

[brad_cam0]

@truthisfreedom2019 Alright, this is my pregnancy or nausea friendly snacks list. These go beyond the “bland diet” boringness that’s recommended, because ew. Almost none of that is palatable when you’re starving and nauseous. I keep a shared list with my husband in the notes on my phone of these snacks to keep in mind when grocery shopping, which has been helpful.

As per the current time of year, peppermint. Specifically mini candy canes. After eating one of those, you’re on a clock until the nausea comes back. So you have to eat soon or immediately after to be able to keep the nausea away. Eating frequent small meals is the goal with morning sickness. This one is great because you have a lot of options: you could try peppermint tea, adding peppermint to a hot chocolate, and so on. It does need to be a strong peppermint, not just Ghirardelli peppermint bark or otherwise.

Lemon. Bomb Pop popsicles, or Italian ices, tend to last a little bit longer for me than peppermint. These are a good option because they also help a little with hydration, and getting a couple calories in if nothing else.

Ginger! If you go out for Japanese, the clear soup is full of ginger. I was worried it wouldn’t help, because Ginger Ale only further upset my stomach, but it was amazing. The hibachi I ordered, not so enticing, but the soup cleared the upset stomach. You can make this soup at home, and freeze into ice cubes and heat up as needed, if you’re smarter/more prepared than me.

As far as keeping the nausea at bay between meals, snacks are recommended. The constipation will cause desperation, so something like a fiber bar would be much appreciated later in the day. Gogurts, yes gogurts, which you can keep in the fridge or freeze for an extra treat, have helped me as a quick walk-around option. I grab a Gogurt or a mozzarella cheese stick when I’m taking the dogs out, so I don’t have to stop and make a whole meal as quickly as I can to keep the nausea under control. Granola bars are a good option too.

Apple juice everyday can help with the constipation too! Idk the logistics, but when I remember to drink it daily I can actually poop. Really recommend this one.

Pretzels, jello, bananas, apples, bagels, smoothies, broth/soup, and toast can be good bland or just general stomach sickness options.

ETA: OH and I forgot the one thing I’ve had the most: grilled cheese. My dr approved deli meats if they’re prepackaged and eaten within 7 days, or heated until steaming. So I’ve done grilled ham & cheese or grilled turkey & cheese. Those are great & somewhat bland.

Hope this helps!

TLDR: strong peppermint (mini candy cane, tea), lemon (ex: Italian ice, Bomb Pop), or ginger (ex: tea, clear soup from Japanese restaurant). Fiber bars, Gogurt, string cheese, granola bars. Apple juice for constipation. Pretzels, jello, bananas, apples, bagels, smoothies, broth/soup, toast, grilled cheese (with or without sandwich meat) for bland or general stomach upset.

 

[truthisfreedom2019]

@brad_cam0 Amazing! Thanks so much!

 

[bt2461]

@curiously Don’t leave her alone. She feels like absolute shit and it’s hard to act like a human when you are constantly fighting the urge to barf. So it’s easier to just push everyone away and try not to die as you’re bundled up on your bed. But she needs support. Bring her food without asking what she wants (because nothing sounds edible right now, she’ll prob say idk). Applesauce is usually tolerated well, cheap ramen noodles were good. Keep her hydrated with electrolyte drinks/ packets.

Hopefully she’s taking something for the nausea, unisom + B6 is usually the first OTC medication option

I think you need to do more to show her you are there for her

 

[ocgirl1981]

@curiously I’m in Same situation as you except I’m into the 2nd trimester now . Biggest thing I can suggest is if she’s taking prenatal vitamins that are loaded with folic acid is to steer her away from them . 44% of women cannot process it and it’s called the mtfkr gene . It really messes with pregnant woman’s mental health if they have that deficiency. My partner was the same exactly didn’t want a bar of me and about a week after her not taking the vitamins she was back to normal . Look up Gary brecker on folic acid and have a look for yourself .

 

[pocahuhntosss]

@ocgirl1981 Yes, by all means place the health of your loved ones current and future by heeding the advice of a tiktok influencer chiropractor with a bachelors in human biology.

No way you should trust the mountains of evidence from doctors and researchers.

actually vetted information

 

[ocgirl1981]

@pocahuhntosss Please find me some evidence that this is not correct ? Folic acid is a man made substance that occurs no where naturally on earth with a correct diet and plenty of folate the baby will be healthy . It’s the same as having a allergy if your body can’t handle it why would you continue to take it ?

 

[pocahuhntosss]

@ocgirl1981 That's not how scientific evidence works, dumbass.

You can not prove a negative.

 

[ericcgregg]

@curiously Hey! Pregnant lady here. This sounds exactly like first trimester hormones. For what it’s worth, my husband was an absolute champ throughout it and now, in the third trimester, I’ve never been more in love in my life. His patience, tenderness, and care with me when I was being, well, crazy made me fall even more in love with the man. Sounds like you’re doing everything right, but just hang in there listen to the other commenters, too, about care packages and things you can get her. My husband got me a heating pad and it is now my favorite thing.

 

[forgiveness93]

@curiously Take a deep breath and have a lot of patience.

My wife of 5 years (been together 8ish total) didn't have nearly as severe symptoms as your situation, but even still. There were times she's jump on me for stupid stuff that normally no one would care about. She'd blame me for stuff that sometimes was her fault. Wouldn't apologize or acknowledge when she was wrong.

It wasn't constant or even a regular occurrence, but it's... challenging... to sit there and just take it. I'm not the calm one in the relationship, but I had to suck it up and just let it go. After a while things normalized and life was good once again.

TLDR: You gotta work with what she's giving you and what she wants. If you're the punching bag, take it. If you're at fault, just say OK and see what you can do. Acknowledge that she's going through a lot of shit (not directly to her, unless she's ok with that) and do what you can to make it easier for her.