Hi!!

J

joyathome

New member
So I didn’t know this sub even was a thing until someone suggested I join.

So my husband and I have an almost four year old.

We always thought we would have two kids, but in the last almost four years we haven’t felt that “need” to have a second. We are super content with our little family.

We’re mid thirties and if we were going to try for a second it would be in 6 - 9 months and the window would really only be about 6 months ( I don’t want to have kids past 35).

My main question is this, how do you know you’re one and done and it’s the right choice for you?

Did you always think you’d be one and done?

Thanks!
 
@joyathome I think once I became a parent, I realized the weight of having a child. There's so much work, time, love, and sacrifices to raise a whole human being. And to top it off, you're lucky if your child is mentally and physically healthy. I want to give my kid the world without having to lose myself.
 
@clayjars That is another thing! We are so grateful for his health! We’ve had some scares, but he is a happy healthy little dude. I also agree that we only get to raise our kiddo once and if we only have one we don’t have split that time but instead completely invest in him as much as we can. We both also get to go to all of his games or events without having to split who goes where. These are all really great points.
 
@joyathome this is one of the big reasons I am now happy with our OAD decision. My principle to almost everything in life is "If I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it properly". So I'm either super "on it", or I don't care about it lol, there is no middle ground for me. I want to be the best possible parent I can be for my kid (along with my wife, who also aims for that too). If we had another child, although there *may* be some benefits to her, we wouldn't be able to dedicate as much time to our daughter as we do now. And all of the potential benefits that she might get from having a sibling, we try to work around, to give her exposure to those anyway- e.g. some people benefit socially from having to share their toys at a young age- so our daughter went to nursery for a few mornings every week from 7 months old, some children benefit from longstanding relationships with other children- so we make sure she sees her cousins twice a week (sometimes more).

I don't see how us having just her, just the one child, can be a disadvantage with the other steps we take
 
@joyathome I read a comment from someone a long time ago that's stuck with me. They said that the choice to have a child should be made out of love, not fear.

For example, "I fear my child will be lonely, so I must give them a sibling," versus, "I would love for my children to have each other."

I sat down and considered whether my reasons for wanting one versus two were out of fear or love. I realized that my statements about having one child were all out of love, versus my statements for having another were out of fear.

I love the one-on-one time, I love the flexibility, I love the disposable income, I love my family dynamic as it is. I feared my child would be lonely and I feared I may regret not making the decision to have another.

I don't want to have another child out of fear, I want them to be wanted and loved from day 1
 
@christdisciple Woah…. This is really helpful. See my three biggest things are fear based
  1. What if something happens to him would we be able to keep going?
  2. When we die will he regret not having a sibling?
  3. Will we regret not having another one?
But at the same time in the day to day we absolutely love our little family of three and don’t feel like anything is missing.

Our little one also gets to have a lot more opportunities because we only have one. He gets to be in an amazing school that we wouldn’t be able to afford with two. I don’t feel like I have to make things “fair” when we want to do things for him because it’s just one.

My husband does joke and say that I want a second kiddo as a “backup”.

Would I be choosing to have a second out of fear or love that’s a great perspective. Thank you!
 
@s010 Love this! My son is about to be 5 and I’m planning on flying with him to Massachusetts to see my dad (havnt seen since Covid) and then jump on a ferry with my mom and stepdad for a few days in Martha’s Vinyard. It’s just going to be me and him, and I’m so excited to share the time with him, take him on these adventures, etc. if we had more than 1, there’s no way I would have been able to manage. And we wouldn’t have been able to fit in my parents car that they are bringing on the ferry, etc. the logistics of stuff like that makes things much easier with the one and at 5 we still don’t regret not having another one. This is such a good point.
 
@joyathome with the 'will we regret not having another one?' thing, I completely understand and fully agree, however I think "if its been 5 years and I dont regret it now, why would I regret it after another 5 years?". The way I see it, she will choose her own friends / boyfriend / girlfriend, and we will treat them similarly to how we treat her, so she still will have *someone* to grow up with, it will just be someone she chose, based on who she WANTS to be around. I am more than happy to have her friends or partner come on holidays with us, spend the evenings and weekends chilling at our house. I think I'll need to have some sort of game night or film night or something where she has to spend at least 1 night a week with us lol, but more than happy for her friend or partner to be with her at that point if she wants. If she brought someone round our house and locked herself away and we never saw them, then I'd be sad, but by having game nights and stuff, it seems like a fair compromise for us all. Shes only 5 at the moment and still seems to like spending time with us, not sure what age it becomes a chore for her lol!
 
@hkra I’ve seen OADers with grown kids here talk about how they had the “cool hangout house” when their kid was a teen. They were intentional about encouraging their kid’s friends to come over, and without fussy siblings everywhere, all the friends were over a bunch. Seems like a great setup!
 
@hkra My husband says the same thing! That we’ll get to share memories with whoever is his forever person and that will be more impactful. That we both spend more time together with each other than we do our siblings and that we have friends and other people we spend holidays with. You choose to be close with those who you choose it’s different for everyone
 
@joyathome Also with that, your child will choose how much effort they want to put into others- with siblings this isn't as easy. I know someone (we'll call her G) who is in her 30s and has a disabled younger sister (C). She loves her, she adores her, she watches her on weekends to give her parents a rest, she had quite a big part of their wedding, and the speeches were extra emotional because she made the point that her sister (C) wouldn't ever get her own wedding so her wedding was the closest she would get, and when G had her own child, she named her after her C, again because C won't get the chance to be a parent herself. When she looked at houses to buy, G and her wife had to consider having an extra room for C, and the room had to be downstairs as well- that is quite restrictive in the housing market in the UK. G and her wife would also love to move country but can't, because she can't leave C, G and her wife want another child but are struggling to save for IVF because they are saving for the possibility of looking after C. It has not only affected G, but it has affected her (now) wife. Luckily, they are all lovely and it's not a problem for them, they don't mind making these sacrifices, but I know a LOT of people who wouldn't want to live with, or start a family with, someone whose family is so dependent on them. Imagine starting a relationship with someone and they say "someone else will nearly always be my priority, if we move out, I have to be very particular about where we move to, I can't move country, I can't move far away in this country, I need to be doing this every weekend, and when I'm older, I will (almost definitely) need to invite my sister to come and live with me and I will be her full time carer"- that could have a massive impact on potential partners for her.
 
@hkra You know that’s really true, the responsibility of a second kiddo if that was needed would go on the first. Even as an oldest and my siblings are good I do still feel responsible to help them when needed and to help with their kids, that’s really really true
 
@joyathome Just wanted to say we have an almost 5 year old and your original post and very comment has perfectly aligned with my husband’s and my thoughts and experience. You are totally not alone in feeling all these things! I recently discovered this page too and it’s really helped me ground my decision and be okay with it. Welcome!!
 
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