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Hi!!
- Thread starter joyathome
- Start date
@joyathome No problem! I look at it like why rock the boat. I already suffered PPD/PPA and thought no way would I put my self through this twice especially next time with a brand new baby and not do this to my husband and existing child. She needs a sane and happy mother.
williejdyson
New member
@joyathome
When I considered having a child, I only ever imagined one. But I was a very ambivalent fencesitter about having kids at all and nearly didn't, so one child was as far as my imagination could stretch.
Actually having a child now (17 months) makes the decision more complex. I didn't enjoy a lot of my daughter's infancy but things are a lot easier and more enjoyable now. That cuts both ways because on the one hand, I see how infancy is a relatively short amount of time and, now that we're past it, there's absolutely no question that it was worth going through. On the other hand, I often have occasion to think about all the things that I'm glad we're past and all the little ways that life is easier with a young toddler as compared to an infant, and it almost feels impossible to contemplate starting over again. I also feel like my husband and I have reached a place where we're content with the balance of responsibilities but that the additional work and logistics of a second child could easily throw the balance off to the detriment of my marriage.
The discussion around the value of siblings is hard for me to process because it's so variable and so much is down to chance. For some people their siblings are their best friends and they feel life would be much poorer without them, for others their siblings have made their life more difficult, and for many others, their siblings are people they care about but don't see/talk to much as adults. I find it difficult to imagine altering our lives so dramatically for the chance that my daughter and another child would be close and would remain close throughout their lives. Particularly because, as someone else mentioned upthread, I don't feel that anyone is missing from the dinner table.
Did you always think you’d be one and done?
When I considered having a child, I only ever imagined one. But I was a very ambivalent fencesitter about having kids at all and nearly didn't, so one child was as far as my imagination could stretch.
Actually having a child now (17 months) makes the decision more complex. I didn't enjoy a lot of my daughter's infancy but things are a lot easier and more enjoyable now. That cuts both ways because on the one hand, I see how infancy is a relatively short amount of time and, now that we're past it, there's absolutely no question that it was worth going through. On the other hand, I often have occasion to think about all the things that I'm glad we're past and all the little ways that life is easier with a young toddler as compared to an infant, and it almost feels impossible to contemplate starting over again. I also feel like my husband and I have reached a place where we're content with the balance of responsibilities but that the additional work and logistics of a second child could easily throw the balance off to the detriment of my marriage.
The discussion around the value of siblings is hard for me to process because it's so variable and so much is down to chance. For some people their siblings are their best friends and they feel life would be much poorer without them, for others their siblings have made their life more difficult, and for many others, their siblings are people they care about but don't see/talk to much as adults. I find it difficult to imagine altering our lives so dramatically for the chance that my daughter and another child would be close and would remain close throughout their lives. Particularly because, as someone else mentioned upthread, I don't feel that anyone is missing from the dinner table.
@williejdyson Thank you for your perspective I completely agree. The balance of our lives is beautiful and adding another kiddo really could dismantle this great thing we have going and for a chance that they have a forever friend in a sibling. My husband does not talk to his siblings very often and I do think it’s all up to chance with that
@joyathome Hi op! I have a daughter who is on the cusp of turning 5. I also always thought I would have two kids, but my birth and daughters infancy through toddlerhood put my husband and I through the ringer. It was literal hell. I just recently started feeling like me again about a year ago.
Now that things have gotten easier sometimes I do question our oad ness. And I gotta say it’s a hard one and I completely waiver from time to time.
My one big thing is we are so happy the way we are. Why upset that? And then I always ask myself is another child going to make me happier?
I think it will make me more stressed for sure. Also nearing my 35 birthday so it’s kinda like now or never. I honestly feel like Whichever path you choose there are no wrong answers. I have the dream relationship with my daughter now and I’m just terrified of changing that with another. I’ve seen so many sibling relationships and parents go wrong when a second comes in the picture it terrifies me.
I think for me the biggest thing has been changing that ideal family picture in my head because since I was a little girl it was just ingrained in me, marriage and two kids. But we’re living in a whole different era and raising children now verses then is so much harder.
Now that things have gotten easier sometimes I do question our oad ness. And I gotta say it’s a hard one and I completely waiver from time to time.
My one big thing is we are so happy the way we are. Why upset that? And then I always ask myself is another child going to make me happier?
I think it will make me more stressed for sure. Also nearing my 35 birthday so it’s kinda like now or never. I honestly feel like Whichever path you choose there are no wrong answers. I have the dream relationship with my daughter now and I’m just terrified of changing that with another. I’ve seen so many sibling relationships and parents go wrong when a second comes in the picture it terrifies me.
I think for me the biggest thing has been changing that ideal family picture in my head because since I was a little girl it was just ingrained in me, marriage and two kids. But we’re living in a whole different era and raising children now verses then is so much harder.
@bob90210z Thank you, I’m in that literal exact same space, I really appreciate your honestly and story. Thank you!
facesofthemoon
New member
@joyathome I thought I'll add my piece since a subject of losing an only child came up... I'm a rare case of "OAD twice".
I had a son a few years ago who was born with severe health condition. He was a very happy child, could walk and eat and play, but he was also a lot of work with medical appointments and lots of health scares. I knew I was OAD because he took 110% of my energy. Then he suddenly passed away in his sleep.... That's when I wished a had another kid to keep me sane.
The day he died, my husband and I both decided we want another baby, NOW. Of course it took a while, but now we have a sweet and healthy 15month old son. Completely different parenting experience! We are sooo happy!
When my firstborn died I told myself I need two babies to never be in this situation again where I'm a childless mother. The loss and emptiness was unspeakable.
That said... I'm back to being OAD. We are so happy that I wouldn't want to push my luck and risk having a special needs child again.
I'm not saying this to scare you into having 2 kids, but to provide a perspective of someone who has lived through The Worst and what the outcome was. My conclusions are:
- having another child would have made the loss more bearable, just by having someone to care for.
-my second son didn't replace my first...but he did reduce the grief A LOT
-even after living through the loss I'm still OAD. Can't live driven by fear, I'd rather focus on the happiness I have.
I had a son a few years ago who was born with severe health condition. He was a very happy child, could walk and eat and play, but he was also a lot of work with medical appointments and lots of health scares. I knew I was OAD because he took 110% of my energy. Then he suddenly passed away in his sleep.... That's when I wished a had another kid to keep me sane.
The day he died, my husband and I both decided we want another baby, NOW. Of course it took a while, but now we have a sweet and healthy 15month old son. Completely different parenting experience! We are sooo happy!
When my firstborn died I told myself I need two babies to never be in this situation again where I'm a childless mother. The loss and emptiness was unspeakable.
That said... I'm back to being OAD. We are so happy that I wouldn't want to push my luck and risk having a special needs child again.
I'm not saying this to scare you into having 2 kids, but to provide a perspective of someone who has lived through The Worst and what the outcome was. My conclusions are:
- having another child would have made the loss more bearable, just by having someone to care for.
-my second son didn't replace my first...but he did reduce the grief A LOT
-even after living through the loss I'm still OAD. Can't live driven by fear, I'd rather focus on the happiness I have.
@facesofthemoon I’m in tears, thank you for sharing that story and that makes so much sense and the bravery of being a OAD again, truly that is a really beautiful and painful story. Thank you so much for sharing your heart and I’m so grateful for you.
@joyathome We are OAD for a couple of reasons. One being, financially we are able to better provide for our only than if we had multiple (we're not destitute, but think paying 100% for one kid to go to college/post grad/ whatever they like vs having to split that money between 2 or 3); also, I had REALLY rough PPD and I just DO NOT want to put myself through that again. I think this is the more important reason, honestly - we would be able to afford more kids if we wanted them, but I'm not confident I could handle the hormones again.