Help me wean my baby and release guilt

[annyfins]

Moderately granola mom here who needs some help!

I feel like I went down the very granola birth route and my journey did not go to plan - my midwives let me labor at home for 5 days with a posterior baby (they couldn't figure out that he was posterior?) truly the worst pain of my life but assumed as a FTM that this is what it felt like, ended up getting every intervention at the hospital and ended in an emergency c section. Felt terrible that I gave him so many drugs in the process after being brainwashed by Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering that my baby would be an addict if I gave him an epidural (insane thinking) and also felt brainwashed that I could somehow push out an 8 pound baby in a water bath using only a comb?! The epidural and c section literally saved my life.

I'm 6 weeks postpartum and have had so many feeding issues: he didn't latch after the c section, used a nipple shield for 4 weeks, finally did start latching, had mastitis twice already (was rehospitalized at 3 weeks on IV antibiotics with a suspected uterine infection which was actually mastitis), so many clogged ducts, waking up completely engorged every 2-3 hours. I'm not even sure why I am still seeing my midwives as they are so unhelpful but today I went to go see a renowned lactation consultant in our area and she gave me permission to stop breastfeeding - I have been super hard on myself as nothing has gone to plan for me and everyone in my life has urged me to continue breastfeeding (friends, husband, mom, family). I have POTS which makes me super dehydrated anyways and I just don't feel like I can keep going with it. I've been getting really terrible engorgement in my right breast and we did a weighted feed where he was only getting 10ML so she thinks I'm halfway weaned on that side anyway. He also was diagnosed with a posterior tongue tie and his latch is very poor and he feeds for about 4 hours a day. He's gaining weight perfectly - he was 3.575 at birth and now weighs 4.838 but unless I take drastic action to up my supply and want to commit to feeding for four hours a day, I don't think much will change.

If anyone could please give me tips on how to wean without risking mastitis again, she has given me lots of tips but I'd love to hear it from someone who has done it and I just need some encouragement as I feel very defeated. I am seeking therapy and someone to debrief my birth with and am mentally safe, just tired and overwhelmed.

 

[lpadr009]

@annyfins It is okay to stop. It is also okay to switch to formula and just comfort nurse once a day for sweetness and connection. You are a good mom. You are doing wonderful things for your baby. The nursing you have done will always benefit him. And feeding him with formula so you can be present for him in other ways is a beautiful, loving, healthy choice.

You may want to address his tongue tie for his development's sake, but that's a pediatrician question more than a Reddit question. It's a balance between the mild-but-real risks of the procedure and the moderate-and-real risks of a tie increasing the likelihood of speech defects, sensory processing disorder, GERD, and other things. I chose to revise my kids' tongue ties and saw huge benefits to nursing as well as other things.

I also recommend sunflower lecithin to help prevent clots / plugged ducts.

Again, what you have accomplished is beautiful and matters. If you choose to stop, that does not negate the marvel of what you have given him. And choosing to give him a mom whose needs are met is a valid choice and wonderful gift as well.

 

[tommytrant20]

@lpadr009 THIS. please read this. And then read it again.

 

[limitededition]

@lpadr009 There's also evidence to consider regarding how ties can effect the shape of the face development, and as such, breathing. They're linking unrevised ties to sleep apnea later in life due to narrow sinus passages. Potentially also postural issues.

 

[lcnolen2022]

@annyfins Ugh i also had a bad midwife experience (although i think mine was more laziness vs incompetence on the midwife’s part ), so i can kinda feel your pain!

no advice on the weaning part, but wanted to chime in that i don’t think 4 hours/day is abnormal at that age? I also had a tongue tie baby (we opted not to clip it), so i could be biased, but baby nursing for 20-30 minutes per session, 8-12 sessions per day seems pretty average. (just noting this since you mentioned not wanting to spend 4 hours.day feeding… unless i suppose your hubby will be doing bottles and that way you could split the time in half!)

 

[lpadr009]

@lcnolen2022 Seconding this—I figured out at one point that I was spending about 40 hrs a week nursing my newborn. It was intense. I had phenomenal support, or I could not have done it.

 

[keeley120]

@lcnolen2022 Yeah I had a poor latcher (I suspect undiagnosed lip tie) and we used a nipple shield for 3 months. For a while when she was cluster feeding we were up to 8 hrs a day (not including nighttime feeds), and I think our average feeding time per day was always more than 4 hours. This isn't a competition though, no shade to OP, just wanted to agree with this comment. Dealing with mastitis that many times I would want to stop milk production too.

 

[lcnolen2022]

@keeley120 yeah i should’ve clarified in my comment… i was only mentioning because i didn’t want OP to be surprised when they still end up spending 4 hr/day on bottle feeding, since it sounded like that was one of their reasons for wanting to switch. (i know babies can drink from a bottle faster than from a boob, esp if not doing paced feeding or slow flow nipple, but it still takes time to prepare the bottle and clean up and burp the baby!)

 

[keeley120]

@lcnolen2022 Oh no worries, I wasn't saying you were making it a competition or anything! I just was trying to clarify my intentions in my comment I definitely agree with you. It always takes longer than you expect as a FTM regardless of feeding method!

 

[thatsallfolks]

@annyfins I don’t have any experience or advice on weaning, but I wanted to send you some love. I’m also recently postpartum, 4 months, and I just want to go back and hug my 6 weeks postpartum self (and you!) because damn, those first couple months are just really hard. They’re hard even under the best of circumstances. You’ve been through so much already and I hope you’re proud of yourself for making it through. There are a million ways you have and will continue to show up for your baby, for years and years to come, and breastfeeding these first 6 weeks is just one of the million. As for advice - r/exclusivelypumping has a lot of great information on weaning and it’s a very kind, supportive place.

You’re a great mom and you’re doing a great job

 

[tfran]

@annyfins It’s criminal that they let you labor for 5 days sister, I am so sorry

 

[rr999999999]

@annyfins Wow! We have so much in common. I too was dedicated to my natural birth plan and ended up with an unplanned csection. I also had (two) postpartum hospitalizations and antibiotics for what turned out to be clogged duct related fevers that were misdiagnosed as infections. I’m unfortunately not much help on the weaning aspect as I am currently EBF but I know how hard it was for me to go through all of that. Please know that you are so strong. My baby did not have specific issues with feeding but if she had, I’m sure I would not have continued our breastfeeding relationship. The only thing I can think of that has helped me with the recurring clogs has been sunflower lecithin. I would probably try to take that and slowly decrease the number of pumping or feeding sessions over the course of a week or two. Good luck and please know that you have tried your hardest!

 

[lisa613]

@rr999999999 Sunflower seeds are rich in unsaturated fatty acids, especially linoleic acid. Your body uses linoleic acid to make a hormone-like compound that relaxes blood vessels, promoting lower blood pressure. This fatty acid also helps lower cholesterol.

 

[slippinginfaith]

@annyfins Kudos to you for choosing your mental health. The most important thing for a healthy baby is to have a healthy mom

I haven’t weaned this way but if I were you I would go slow. Pump during what would be the typical feeds but do it just enough to relieve the pressure. You should be able to slowly cut out pump sessions.

My sister had luck with putting cabbage leaves on her breasts and taking Sudafed (maybe not moderately granola haha!)
I also recommend taking sunflower lecithin which can help with clots and hopefully reduce the risk of mastitis! I had horrible clotting issues with my first and it was a savior.

Good luck

 

[pastor77]

@slippinginfaith Jumping on to agree with this! Sudafed may not be “moderately granola” but it is very efficient, and the last thing you need after all this trauma is mastitis. Sunflower lecithin to decrease clots.

And now for the moderately granola part- please take care of your hormonal health. it’s a big change for your body and can throw a lot of things off for a little bit. Some adaptogens like maca powder and rhodiola were very helpful for me. Make sure you keep taking your vitamins and electrolytes and stay hydrated.

Good luck mama

 

[wypimom2]

@annyfins So sorry to hear that you were failed so completely by your midwives during your labor and that your birth story wasn’t you imagined.

My labor and delivery experience was in no way terrible, but I did wind up needing to be induced which I had not planned for and it really upset me. I have OCD and I struggle immensely with things not going how I expected them, so when I was militantly dedicated to the rest of my experience being how I planned it which included breastfeeding. My daughter seemed to latch well but struggled to transfer enough milk (despite me producing a lot) which resulted in a hospital stay for jaundice and then one for failure to thrive (we didn’t know why she wasn’t gaining weight because we weren’t aware of the transfer issues at this time). I wound up needing to triple feed - pump, then bottle feed milk, and breastfeeding for 3 months. After months of trying and many lactation consultant visits, my daughter eventually latched and transferred well and I got to have the breastfeeding experience I dreamed of for about a month before she was diagnosed with a milk protein allergy and then when I went back to work and pumped my supply dropped off and I had to power pump and go back to pumping overnight to get enough for her. I eventually weaned entirely at just over a year.

All this to say, I powered through and I breastfed my daughter for a whole year!…and I regret it. I look back at photos of this time and I just feel hollow. I feel like I spent so much time being tired, miserable, and scared that I missed out on precious moments with my daughter. I hope this helps validate your decision to wean. I don’t have any great tips because I weaned really slowly by dropping one feed at a time and my daughter was already on solids at that time but I wanted to share my situation with you.

 

[katrina2017]

@wypimom2 This! I breastfed for 8 months and it was the most miserable 8 months because I was so insistent on breast feeding. They really don’t prepare first time moms for how difficult it is! Once I stopped and switched to formula my baby and myself got so much more rest, I wished I had done it sooner!

 

[annmarkerls]

@wypimom2 Thank you for being so vulnerable. You are a great Mom, you were doing what you thoguht was best. Thank you for empowering other moms thats its OKAY to stop breastfeeding. and you LO thanks you for doing what you thought was right at the time. You're awesome

 

[doubra]

@annyfins I’m so sorry things have not gone to plan, you are so strong for pushing through! What a traumatic experience, on top of the stress of a new baby and a lot of other new things to master. Things did not go to plan with my baby either, please know that you are not a failure, you’re not alone, and you are a good mother. You and baby will survive this.

If baby is gaining weight and you’re engorged, I don’t see why you can’t try to continue on trying to feed. Finding the rhythm for breastfeeding was so difficult at first. I was definitely engorged, in pain, woke up drenched in sweat and milk, and concerned about intake. Baby was on my boob for 45 minutes every couple of hours, it’s supposed to be a lot of time. I’m unsure what your lactation lady says, but I suggest feeding on demand, not on a schedule, offering both boobs…. It takes a while but you and that baby can find a balance.

I learned a trick from someone to literally shake and massage my breasts before feeding to loosen up all the fats and have a smoother feed. Even to this day (LO is almost 2) if I sleep on a boob weird or forget to offer one side and I feel a clog, I will massage and violently shake my boob like it’s a martini shaker several times a day, along with offering that boob more, and the clog will pass in a day.

Maybe if you’re more prone to being dehydrated your milk isn’t as watery as it needs to be and you need to drink like twice the recommended amount of water you need a day?

I’m not sure if continuing to feed is what you want to hear though. It’s totally okay to stop your BF journey now, again, you’re not a failure. Your baby will thrive either way. I don’t have any advice on weaning for you, but I hope this was somewhat helpful for you, and that you feel some encouragement from us all

 

[katrina2017]

@doubra LOL at “shake my boob like a martini shaker”