Having a tough time

[theretrogamerny]

Hey all. I’m one and done because of infertility — I barely got my little girl here. A year of trying naturally, a couple rounds of Clomid, two rounds of IVF: one no mature eggs and a mean doc who told me I’d never conceive and the second with seven eggs, two embryos and one precious girl. She’s absolutely perfect and has been since she was conceived. I had an easy pregnancy, she sleeps well and always has, and just the sweetest and most easygoing demeanor.

Anyway, I had two friends who had girls around the same time and we deemed ourselves “Baby Club” and met up a lot their first year or so. I contemplated doing IVF again, but once I started the process I remembered how awful and costly it was and dropped it. Meanwhile my husband was having job issues and eventually lost his job of 13 years so we were financially uncertain there for a bit.

All this to say, of course the other Baby Club moms are pregnant again and due in the next few months. We’ve recovered from the job loss but no longer have his insurance which would cover a large portion of infertility treatment. We have savings and parents who could help, but we’re 38 and 46 and it’s so unlikely to work given it barely did the first time. Also complicating matters is my mental health — I have PTSD from adolescence (my father died suddenly when I was 15) and I have a difficult time with sensory overload so one kid fits my lifestyle. I’m also the breadwinner and maternity leave complicates career advancement.

Sorry this is so long. I love this community and wanted to beg y’all for support today. Thanks for reading.

ETA I forgot to add that I gave away a ton of baby stuff yesterday. My baby is 2 1/2 and I’m coming to grips with her being an only. I am in therapy for it and have come a long way but the past week or so has been rough.

 

[gio2907]

@theretrogamerny Hey mama. It sounds like you are grieving what could have been, especially after getting rid of some of the baby clothes. I imagine once your friends have their second babies and the new-ness of it wears off, you’ll be back to feeling a little better! I’m sorry you struggle(d) with infertility. It’s a beast. I had a couple of pregnancy losses before my rainbow. It’s a long road we travel! I hope you can find happiness with your sweet little toddler girl! I’m sure you are the light of each others’ lives. I’m glad to hear you are in therapy. That’s a great step . Sending love to you!

 

[faith2018]

@gio2907 This is like the sweetest thing I've ever read. You're a nice person.

 

[gio2907]

@faith2018 Aw thank you so much! I do my best!

 

[theretrogamerny]

@gio2907 You really are. I went to tennis and lunch and a bday party and I’m back to read all these sweet comments — and to reply to yours, which I saw first and was so touched by. Thank you.

 

[brokenandconfused]

@theretrogamerny It's 100% okay to grieve what could have been. I can tell you even from a OAD by choice (hubby is snipped) there's still days where I'm sad we will never experience what having a second will be like. Allow yourself the grace of having the "bad weeks".

 

[theretrogamerny]

@brokenandconfused Thanks friend. It really does help sometime to lean into the emotion a bit in order to get through it.

 

[sofiahh]

@theretrogamerny I hear you and see you! 37f here and we have a 2 year old. All of the women I was pregnant with at work have all just had or will be having their seconds in the next couple months.

I know it can feel like we are “missing out” on an experience or that there’s a step we haven’t or don’t get to take. I try to focus on the positives of my situation — we are able to (finally!) easily take our son on experiences (we are going to the train museum today!) and it’s genuinely fun. We don’t have the stress of fitting everything into wake windows. We don’t have to manage two kids crying in the backseat. We don’t have to manage two kids running around at the destination, while we barely enjoy and just referee/manage. We don’t have to feel guilty about keeping things equal or splitting ourselves between more than one. And when I really stop to think about it, I like that a lot.

Don’t get me wrong. Some days I feel a lot of guilt in being OAD purely by choice, just because it seems easier or because I can focus completely on my son. I have worries. But I never worry that I am making every decision with my son’s best interests in mind.

There will be hardships and challenges that your friends experience with multiples that you will never have to go through. Just remember that because it’s easy to only focus on the positives of 2+ when we don’t live it every day. There are just as many negatives, hardships, and struggles. Just different ones.

You are doing good things — making the best of a situation with your beautiful girl who sounds like such a good kid. We are mothers. We get to have that experience and I’m forever grateful for it. You and your daughter will be so tight. She can be your sun, moon and stars and there is so much wonder in that!

 

[theretrogamerny]

@sofiahh Thank you so much! We are just crazy about her — she’s a happy, sweet kid who makes being a parent easy. I’m so excited to take her on trips once we’re all set with potty training! For now it’s easy to get her out of the house to the playground or pool and I’m so grateful after seeing my sister herd 3 when I went to visit last week.

 

[walkbyfaith2000]

@theretrogamerny We love you OP

 

[theretrogamerny]

@walkbyfaith2000 I love y’all. I can’t even tell you how cathartic and helpful this post and the resulting support has been

 

[chasmate]

@theretrogamerny Just offering some support from someone who can relate. We went through IVF and also ended up with 2 embryos. One loss and one beautiful daughter. I’ll be 38 next month and we’re just exhausted and decided to not do another round of IVF. I literally just gave away 3 bags of baby clothes and those feelings flooded back. Grief, anger, jealousy. It’s really tough when you’ve had this dream of your family and now it’s just going to look a little different. I come on here a lot to remind myself of the positives. I don’t know about you, but I’m the worst version of myself when I’m sleep deprived. I actually get sleep now. I can focus on my daughter. I don’t have to worry about finances as much with one child. She’s also the perfect kid. Like, seriously. Yesterday the daycare teacher said to me “I wish they were all like her. She listens, she’s polite”. And I think maybe we won’t get so lucky with the second I’m sorry your journey towards a family took a different turn. I hope you find the support you need to heal

 

[katrina2017]

@theretrogamerny Being OAD is much different when it is not by choice.

Our story is similar. DH and I adopted DS. We attempted to adopt again, but it didn't work out. We were absolutely devastated.

I spent about a year in therapy working through my feelings of grief and loss. I also started taking an antidepressant, which I am still on.

It has taken me 5 years to find peace with it all. I don't know that I'll ever say I am grateful for what happened to us, but I've finally reached a place where I can start to see some of the positives of having an only.

 

[theretrogamerny]

@katrina2017 Thank you! I have an IRL friend who had a similar journey to yours — it took 5 years to settle into the reality. I’m so glad you’ve gotten help as well and that you have your son.

 

[bw1]

@theretrogamerny I’m sorry you are going through this. We went through infertility and loss and were so so so lucky to have our little guy. That, combined with a very rough pregnancy and delivery, mean OAD is the best thing for us logically. My guy is three and I still struggle with knowing he is our only. I get twinges when I see pregnant people and families with a toddler and a baby. Therapy has immensely helped with my grief, as it’s twinges now not waves of grief. All that to say, I feel you. Sending a lot of love from a similar corner of the world.

 

[theretrogamerny]

@bw1 Thank you so much. It really is hard and it’s a process. I know I’ll be okay in the end and that she will be too. Love from me to your family.

 

[troylee]

@theretrogamerny Hugs, hugs, hugs. Who knew that motherhood would be filled with so many emotions ranging from deep sadness to pure joy? It really is an experience of a lifetime. Fertility challenges adds a whole other layer to this. I am also in therapy for a variety of reasons (I lost my dad at 14) but the older my son gets, the more I’m talking about the grief of him being my only. I’m so glad you have that supportive space. I could technically carry a child again, but similar to you, it’s the long term mental load and quadruple work load that is also one of my stopping points. I also have medical issues that would make everything high risk and uncertain. I have ACTIVELY sought out families that are OAD. Our friend group is mostly other OAD families. But we live in urban environment where it’s pretty common.

I never knew grief (which is already a tender feeling due to loss of my dad) would be such a fundamental part of this whole motherhood experience. I have learned that talking about it helps. Crying about it helps. The other days I literally wept in my car bc I felt such grief at the loss of a “free, easy choice” to just have another baby. Though our paths are different, you are so not alone in this.

 

[vel]

@theretrogamerny The first few babies born to friends and family who have children around my son’s age bothered me a lot. I was physically sick from jealousy over the first friend’s pregnancy. I had my son just before turning 40 so age related fertility concerns are part of our OAD decision as well. I get it. It’s hard. But it got progressively easier with each baby. Seeing them struggle with the baby stage and juggling 2 kids helped, honestly. My son is turning 4 this week and I’m happy with our lives. The pregnancy announcements don’t bother me anymore. It gets easier.

 

[theretrogamerny]

@vel Thank you so much — this is really encouraging! My sis got pregnant easily at 36, 39 and 42 so it was a real shock when I didn’t.

 

[facesofthemoon]

@theretrogamerny I hear you with IVF! After losing our first born to a genetic condition at age 3 we went for IVF to avoid the same condition, and even with me being young and no fertility issues it still took a year to conceive... It takes a lot out of you, mentally, physically and financially. I almost went back for another one, but then backed out last minute and decided we're OAD now. We've worked hard to get to where we are and we'll focus on enjoying our OAD.

I think most women don't realize that their pregnancies especially when constantly "advertised" frequently cause heartache for someone around them. And so many of us measure our happiness by comparing ourselves to others. Trying to learn not to do that but it takes time.

Glad to hear you are getting help processing it. Grief ( even of children that never were) is a long game... I hope you achieve peace soon! Hugs and supportive thoughts from our family to yours!