Having a sixths baby?

[alex_t]

(Repost from r/parenting) Due to a condom malfunction we did not even know of, I (F41) find myself pregnant with our sixth child.

We were 100% done when we had number five. We thought we were done with number four but obviously there was still room for another, this time we were utterly convinced our family was complete.

My first reaction was shock, I couldn't even understand how it happened as we'd been using protection. I was also sure we couldn't handle this pregnancy nor the baby. But then, as morning sickness took hold of my body it seems I just can't see myself terminating this pregnancy. I don't think I have it in me.

I am scared though, my kids will be 20 (does not live at home), 12, 10, 7 and 5 by the time the new baby arrives. We are a loving family but we are not perfect, we have lots of stressful mornings and the kids fight like kids fight. Neither me nor my husband is a stay-at-home-parent, we both work. I know this baby, if I keep it, will be loved like the rest of the kids but will our energy be enough? Am I too old to have a new baby?

Are there any parents with six or more kids that could tell me how it affected your family? Or anyone who has 5+ siblings that ould weigh in? Any input is fine, really, but please don't judge me or be mean, I'm already in agony over this and we thought did our best not to get pregnant. PRO tip: don't use condoms with any type of oil, it breaks down the latex and can cause "micro-tears".

(Also, we just got a puppy two weeks ago!!!)

EDIT: I just sant to say thank you to everyone for writing me with your experiences and encouragement. Also thank you to those who wrote about termination. I needed every word you guys took time to write. Still not sure what to do or how to feel, my kids don’t seem keen on a new addition (haven’t told them, but I’ve thrown out a few discrete what ifs...) except for the youngest who’d love to be a big sister...

 

[katrina2017]

@alex_t Hi and congratulations! With a large family, new baby announcement we set the tone of the announcement. Human nature tends to think about problems first so we always lead with a positive message for announcing our new babies to family and friends

 

[revmike10]

@alex_t My 11 and 8 year olds are a big help with my 10 month old. I am sure your 12 and 10 year olds will love being a the big siblings to the new baby!

On a side note, 6 is still small enough to use regular mini-vans and SUVs! 7 Is where you'll need a commercial van. Although one of your kids is 20 now so you can have 8

 

[sandwichboy]

@alex_t I came from a family of six kids and now have five of my own. Our last two were an unexpected pregnancy that resulted in twins. There will definitely be hard times, but I don't think there will ever be a time where you look at your child and wish they weren't a part of your life.

 

[disciplebrady]

@alex_t Try finishing with twins after having 5!...

It's loud, plain and simple there is no peace and quiet till 9 or later every day.

You go to the bathroom, they self serve cereal, or milk and a dozen eggs, from a locked fridge. There is very little twins can't do that most toddlers might have a 50/50 shot at.

 

[ag90713]

@disciplebrady I’m in a similar boat. We didn’t have twins but my last two are a year apart which made it feel like twins, especially since the eldest of the two was a bit slow development wise

 

[revmike10]

@disciplebrady I have a family member that did this 5+6 were twins... Number 7 is a solo baby.

 

[gregj222]

@alex_t Another one of 7 chiming in! My older sister was 17 when the youngest was born, my mom was in her early 40s. Baby 7 was a "surprise".

As pp have said, with older kids around, baby 7 was a lot easier for my mom. Us older kids took turns watching the youngest, playing with him, teaching him, changing his diaper. My mom had all the help she needed, and I know she wouldn't do it any different!

It's a happy accident and a wonderful learning experience for your older kids! I was way more prepared for parenthood because of the opportunities I had to participate in child care while growing up!

You've got this

 

[renob]

@alex_t Well, low hanging fruit first, the puppy should be housebroken, somewhat obedient, and energy dropping down a bit by the time you're due. Dogs mature so fast compared to kids. My puppies were 5 months when I got pregnant with my first and were pretty mellow by the time she arrived.

Not from a large family, and only have 2 myself at the moment, but I started late. I'm 35 with a 1 and 3 year old. Sometimes I feel old as hell, but I try to remind myself that thousands of years of human evolution isn't wrong. If we were "too old" to have kids this young then we wouldn't be able to get pregnant at this age. I don't know if that's any consolation, but it helps me sometimes when I realize I'll probably be 40ish before I'm done having kids. It's historically pretty normal too. Women prior to the mid-twentieth century had their last kid, on average, at 41!

 

[jakob92]

@alex_t I have seven. While I love baby seven he caused a lot of issues with labour and baby six was extremely jealous and regressed horribly (she’s only a year and 4 months older than him). If I had the choice to go back I’d probably have waited a few years in between six and seven due to this. While i do love my big family at times I wish I had stopped at five when things were way easier.

 

[primary0]

@alex_t We have 5 and I'm 43. I'm exhausted. But the kids absolutely love their little baby who is 15 mos old now. I also have a 6yo, 8 yo, 11 yo and 13 yo. Life is rough, but I know things will get better/change and evolve with time. I wouldn't change anything and I'm so happy we had the baby by accident. The possibility of getting pregnant again is scary but if it happened by accident, then I'd have to keep the baby so I could see his face and see what kind of fun things his siblings would do with him.

 

[22nbrown]

@alex_t I have a bit of a different perspective but I am 32. I have 7 (adopted) children ranging from ages 17-2. We had an 8th child who passed awY from SUIDS. I am also the oldest of seven. My youngest brother is 7. I was moved out of the house before my youngest 4 siblings even came along. My mom was 43 when my youngest brother came.

I think all your concerns and worries are true with all incoming pregnancies whether they are your first or eighth. Our kids fight (and not like normal fights thanks trauma), and it’s stressful a lot. But man is it also a lot of fun and a lot of love. I never felt replaced, or abandoned or neglected with new kids coming into the family, and even though money and time was tight I am incredibly grateful and proud of my family. It is a little silly that my kids and my siblings are so close in age but it just makes things more fun when we all get together.

 

[katma]

@alex_t We have 5 (12, 10, 6, 2, and 10m) and are planning on having more (trying now for #6)

I am a stay-at-home mom, however.

We struggle with the same things you do. It is not easy and I find myself stretched thin but we make it work. I heavily rely on my older kids to help out around the house.. not like built-in/slave labor but they live there and make messes, they need to help out and learn how to grow into capable adults that know how to clean up after themselves at the very least.

I have no advice on how to make mornings easier other than maybe have outfits, breakfasts, and lunches prepped the night before (though I'm guessing you already do this.)

Adding another child (no matter if it is the first or 6th) is going to be challenging. There will definitely be an adjustment period the first several months while adjusting to the new family dynamic and demanding schedule of an infant but you will find your rhythm and, at some point, not easily remember life before the new addition.

 

[simsodep8883]

@alex_t We’ve got 3 and are considering a 4th. We’re super tired, but I can’t decide if it’s because we’re older or because COVID kicked our butts this year. Just barely enough childcare to get our work done, way less family support, very few interactions with other kids. We’re just depleted. Is that age, is that covid, both? So hard to decide about another baby when it feels like we don’t know what the world will be like when baby arrives. No advice or answers, just wanted to acknowledge that the world itself has made life hard for parents of all ages this year.

 

[reachouttothelost]

@simsodep8883 I feel this too!

 

[marke2]

@alex_t Can't speak for having 6 - I have 5 right now, but I'm the second-oldest of nine with an age spread of almost 20 years. My mother was 40 when she had my youngest sister. I don't think any of us ever felt less loved by our parents. Love doesn't divide with every kid, it multiplies.

I loved growing up in a large family. We're all pretty close to each other, though I'm a little less because I was married by the time the youngest was 2, and we all get along. My youngest sister is about three years older than my oldest, and they are good friends, too.

 

[string_theory]

@alex_t My parents have 6 kids; I am the oldest. Number 5 was a surprise. Number 6 was a shock and my mom was 41 when baby was born. I was 16, and my other siblings ranged in age from 3-14 without any huge gaps, much like your family.

I absolutely love my huge family. All of us siblings are decently close, but two of my sisters I am especially close to. My husband and one of my brothers get along so well that my brother and his wife moved from California to Texas to be close to us. Getting to see any of my siblings is the highlight of my week or month, and we have a group text thread which we use daily. I adore them.

As the oldest I got more than my fair share of my parents’ attention and it was tough to live up to their standards when I went through normal kid shit. But I know sibling 4 feels like they were very much overlooked in all the chaos, and sibling 6 feels like my parents checked out of raising them when they were in high school. I’d say that would be the thing to look out for. You’re stretched thin, and it’s hard to give everything your full attention. But try to structure your time and your life so that each kid still at home gets one on one time with their parents on a regular basis.

 

[ronaldus]

@alex_t My parents had accidental twins when they were 41 (mom) and 45 (dad). They were horrified at first, but they ended up saying it was the best thing to ever happen to them and brought them a lot of joy. They had a lot less energy to play with us, but still made an effort for not-floor activities like drawing or hiking. Plus we had younger aunts and a couple of cousins to dote on us.

You should make the right decision for your family, but having less energy and interacting with the kid differently will be perfectly okay. Involve the other family/friends/neighbors/church members? in the kid’s life as much as possible and the kid will get a range of energy levels and be just as loved and absolutely fine!

 

[alex_t]

@ronaldus Thanks! Yes, it’s hard to even imagine a community being involved now after COVID...

 

[jared_1991]

@alex_t It’s a tough decision. Whatever is right for your family is ok. You may never feel 100% right with either decision, but that’s OK too.

I only have three kids, and they’re currently 8, 6, 1. I had my youngest at 41 and boy do I feel so much older now. Also, if I had known how much the older two would fight number three may have never happened. But it seems like you’re experienced in sibling fights already!

I will say the older two absolutely dote on the baby. She will not have any siblings to fight with the same way the other two so close in age do! Add that to my growing experience with how to parent through different developmental ages, I am crossing my fingers that the youngest will be the easiest one to raise yet. Yes, I do feel tired and achy, but some of that is my fault because I don’t make time to stretch or exercise.

I love my youngest, but I absolutely tried for her. I wasn’t sure if I wanted four, but when I had her I realized I was at my limit. I don’t know what I would do if I found myself pregnant with number four. I know I would totally love that baby, but I think it would spread our family too thin to be the parent and partner I want to be. I don’t know what your right answer is - wishing you peace in the decision.