Guilty for thinking this way?

[littledot]

Hi,

We have a 6 yo. We aren’t planning on another at the moment but I would say we’re 70% sure our only will stay an only.

Anyway, I said this to a friend and she said I’m insensitive & selfish and that she wouldn’t even think about the following before having another kid ( she’s pregnant with her 3rd).

My reasons for 1 and done:

1. I don’t think I could care for a child with severe disabilities as it would ultimately result in our only being left to the side with little attention & the possibility of caring for their sibling when we die. We also couldn’t afford a parent giving up work.
2. I had a relatively easy birth BUT I have an incredible fear that I would die during childbirth leaving my partner & only alone.
3. I enjoy having time to myself especially now they are six and we’re over the toddler phase.
4. I don’t want to chauffeur kids around all week to a pile of activities. My kid does 3 hobbies and I find this already hectic.
5. I have PCOS & the stress of trying to plan and conceive again would send me spiralling.

I just want someone to say that I’m not being selfish when in reality I’m prioritising my family’s wellbeing & happiness.

I found her comment rude when she said I’m leaving my child to be alone in the world with no one around them after we pass.

What’s your guys take?

 

[neopoko]

@littledot Your friend is rude and probably projecting.

Also, what’s wrong with being selfish? It’s your life, you shouldn’t have to be a martyr if you don’t want to be.

 

[littledot]

@neopoko Yeah I’m guessing she’s projecting because her life is just kids at the moment as she will have 3 under 4 yrs

 

[1235784truwp]

@littledot This ***

You’re doing what’s best for YOUR family, OP. Her opinion is irreverent. It just hurts, because she’s your friend. Trust us, we get this. Reddit will be here and come through for you.

She chose to have multiple for whatever reason(s) she did. Judging you for yours most likely comes from a place of stress and insecurity. In future, momma should just keep her intrusive thoughts to herself. (Just MY humble opinion)

 

[muya]

@neopoko “You shouldn’t have to be a martyr if you don’t want to be”

Thank you for this! My husband doesn’t seem to get this. He seems to think our job is to constantly work hard to strive to better ourselves and our lives, until we die. He rails against fellow millennials who are child free just so they can enjoy travel and hobbies.

 

[iada]

@neopoko I agree but I don't think she's being selfish at all. It's really important to consider your family's needs before creating new humans

 

[neopoko]

@iada I don’t think it’s selfish at all either! I just feel we’re turned “selfish” into such a negative thing, and it really isn’t.

 

[velour100]

@littledot ask her why she is having three. is that not selfish?

is she having three to be her little maids in housework? is she having three so they parent each other? is she having 3 so at least, maybe, one of them would care for her in old age?

i mean seriously be a total asshole about it.

i’m sure these aren’t her reasons but if a “friend” is gonna be this way then there’s no reason to be respectful. they were rude for no reason about something that will never affect them. something that shouldn’t even bother them.

wouldn’t she want her friend to be happy? to make the best decisions for her life?

and then tell her there is nothing wrong with being selfish. people make being selfish out to be this inherently bad thing, and yes sometimes it can be. but in some situations it’s okay to be selfish.

she can take her Life Script and shove it.

 

[marthasimons]

@velour100 I agree about the being OK to be selfish -- I could earn a third what I make today working for any number of really beneficial charities. But I took the selfish route. At that, how many people chose their career based on aptitude without considering what they enjoy? Ostensibly, I would be providing more benefit to society if I worked in a field that I really hate. But I, selfishly, chose something that I enjoy doing. There are so many things we do that are "selfish" and no one has a problem with it. But "selfishly" having one kid (or no kids) gets people up in arms?!?

Also, checked out the world population recently? Humans are not an endangered species where we're needing to reproduce against our will just to ensure the population can be maintained. If you want to look at it from a resource perspective, having kids (like at all) is selfish. Having two kids (replacement level reproduction) is selfish. Having more than replacement level number of kids? Also selfish! I don't tell people that because it's none of my business how many kids they have.

 

[altrechts]

@littledot sounds like your friend sucks ass. i probably would have ended that friendship with my response.

 

[ababwaalijaz]

@altrechts Seriously...the friend is judgemental, rude and projecting her fears onto OP. So sick of the overly-dramatic "alone in the world" line. As if though your child will forever be a helpless infant with zero connections to anyone else in the outside world. That is a very pessimistic outlook for your child - having to birth a "friend" for your existing child because you think your kid won't have any other real friends is just sad. Oh, and newsflash - a sibling is not an emotional support pet; they have ZERO obligation or duty to support you or be a source of friendship. Some siblings aren't even civil to one another! OP needs to get new friends and this "friend" needs to get a life.

 

[altrechts]

@ababwaalijaz i get pretty aggressive over the "alone in the world" shit. because i'm an only child myself and i'm married to an only child. bonus points because both of us have only child cousins as well. at almost 40yo, none of us are lonely or worried about aging parents.

in fact, i'm glad i don't have to deal with a sibling when it comes to my parents getting old, needing care and eventually figuring out their estate. i have yet to see an example of siblings working together when a parent starts having issues. its always 1 kid pulling all the weight while the others are just waiting for their payout.

my parents best friends have 3 kids that all live within 15 mins of them. the dad is actively dying and the mom is shouldering all the burden and care of him. but don't worry, the 3 kids still come over with all their kids on sundays, expecting dinner. oh and they don't want to spend time with their dad because "seeing him like this is really hard for us." all the kids also hate each other and are super competitive.

i'm sure this is exactly what the parents envisioned when they had 3 kids. 3 best friends who will never be alone in the world, and will pitch in to help when they're old...........hahaha

 

[lost9933]

@altrechts So I'm an only with no cousins on my mom's side, but four on my dad's side (two of them are also only children!) as my dad has three brothers. The oldest one is 81, has schizophrenia, has mobility issues stemming from a virus and has run out of money. Before my grandparents died, they said they weren't worried about his care because "his brothers will take care of him." The brothers range in age from 75 to 81 and only one is in good health. You think they can take care of each other!?!

I had always wanted siblings but it was this that made me realize that I'm going to have it way easier, with only having to worry about my parents and no siblings to either interfere or have to care for as well.

 

[abzibazabz]

@altrechts These are great points!

 

[jwe17fe]

@littledot Your “friend” is an asshole. She has no right to comment about the size of your family.

 

[annabel4]

@jwe17fe I just commented the same thing and then saw yours.

 

[kimmac23]

@littledot You are not being selfish! Her opinion rests on the very flawed assumption that a sibling will be a necessity for a happy life for your 6YO, moreso than parents whose mental health and resources aren’t strained.

It never fails to shock me how few people realize that our opinions on what it means to be a good parent and what a happy childhood/family should have are just opinions shaped by our own experiences and everyone’s will therefore be at least slightly different. Is this not common sense? It’s like every other opinion. Some people prefer the city because they grew up in a rural area and hated it. Some people prefer the country because they grew up in a rural area and loved it! And it’s all good. What a world! It’s really the same concept for family size, isn’t it? Except we try to take the preferences of our kids (and even, bafflingly, their future selves) into the equation which is where we get stuck on needing all the opinions and validations of others.

Here’s an opinion from a stranger on the internet (hello) that may validate you: I had siblings and a very lonely childhood. My parents worked all the time to provide, this was our economic lot in life. One of my siblings had mental health problems which was a lot to deal with. My mom died a few years ago and while I appreciate my siblings’ role in my life, their presence isn’t any “greater” than my friends, spouse, etc in terms of comfort and “being there”.

So there you have it, counterpoint does exist in spades. But at the end of the day it shouldn’t even matter. Even our own experiences as children aren’t guaranteed to inform us about the childhood our own kids prefer or need. We can only do the best we can with the resources and dynamics in front of us.

And on a petty note you can flip that script right back on your friend if you really wanted to. “Oh a third… wow… have you really thought about it? Don’t you think it’s a little selfish? You’ll have to split your attention 3 ways. Just because you want another baby. I guess your other kids will just have to do without. Have you even thought about when you died, how much drama you will leave because they’ll need to split the inheritance? “ (disclaimer i don’t believe in any of these statements just proving my point that these perspectives are totally subjective it’s just that one family size is society approved and others aren’t)

 

[annabel4]

@littledot This person is not your friend. This person is an asshole. Were grownups. We don’t have to be friends with people we don’t like. Drop the dead weight. Be free.

 

[elanpro43]

@littledot I was an only child. I appreciate my parents and their ability to put all their focus on me. I'm sure if I'd had a sibling it would have been fine, but I knew people who had larger families and each child got significantly fewer opportunities (going to camp in the summer, tutoring, etc) even when the parents were wealthier than my family. I want to provide for my daughter everything my parents provided for me.

 

[carmen1222]

@littledot Why do people think not having kids or limiting the number of kids is selfish? I will never understand that. Ask anyone why they want kids or want more kids and it’s a slew ‘I want, I feel, I think, I, I, I.’ Thinking in terms of what’s best for your family, your existing child, your ability to provide, society as a whole, I find making decisions to not have kids or have one due to any of those things the most unselfish thing because you’re thinking in terms of the bigger picture and not just about yourself, your wants, your beliefs.