Freezing your eggs? Non-monogamy curiosity?

[neophyte365]

Anyone considering freezing their eggs? I’m 28, turning 29[F] this year. I still feel extremely childish and more focused on my freedoms than potential motherhood… husband[31] and I are not actively trying.

We definitely at least want one kid. But it feels like a matter of either starting TTC by the end of the year, having my first child between ages 30-33.

I have been wanting to start a conversation about exploring non-monogamy with my husband, mostly due to my own personal desires and curiosities for it. If my husband were on board with this, it was recommended to me by the people over at r/polyamory to hold off on kids for at least 3 years while we explore this because kids + polyamory could just be incompatible, and also apparently polyamory/ENM can BE REALLY FRICKEN’ HARD… and breaks up marriages Which I very much do not want, but I also feel like either now or 15 years from now, I’m going to want to bring this up with my husband about what non-monogamy/softening our monogamy could look like.

If we were to go down this route, maybe it would make sense to freeze my eggs now and delay TTC until I’m at least 35. But I also am terrified if I don’t freeze my eggs and just start trying till 35, I may not be fertile.

I did have fertility bloodwork done late last year. It’s very clear I have some form of PCOS due to anovulatory cycles and elevated testosterone levels. My AMH was much higher than normal range as well.

Any advice is welcome.. thanks.

 

[greenrock]

@neophyte365 I’m sure you’re probably aware of this but even suggesting polyamory to your husband might nuke your marriage. All this potential planning is assuming he’s open to it. He might be offended and upset at the suggestion, or he might say he’s not okay with it but then get really insecure about the possibility of you cheating. If he says no, you might feel unsatisfied over time and want to leave the relationship anyway. Asking this question is like opening Pandora’s box.

 

[eastsideeric]

@greenrock This, OP. ^^

 

[mc10304]

@neophyte365 Sorry you’re stuck in such a tricky situation! It sounds like the people on that sub gave good advice. I am not at all in your situation lol (very monogamous personally), but my advice would be to talk to your husband like today lol. You really do need to know his thoughts before you can properly plan. I’m sure it’s nerve wracking, but there’s no way to really move forward until you talk to him!

 

[katrina2017]

@neophyte365 As someone who experimented with ENM and it ended up influencing my decision about having children with my partner at the time, I would strongly urge you to inform your husband before you have children together if this is something you want to pursue.

From an outside perspective, I would also want to know if my partner desired to open up our relationship before I went ahead with having children with them. If you haven't raised this with your husband previously, it could be a deal-breaker for him.

 

[ctlguy]

@neophyte365 ENM is really hard. Having a baby/toddler is really hard. Personally, I'd only do one at a time. But you might be stronger than me.

I think the most important thing is to be on the same page with your husband. It's also important, imo, to go into these talks with flexibility in mind.

 

[lhr]

@neophyte365 I don't have any advice on the non-monogamy but your eggs are the best they are ever going to be right now. I wish someone told me that before I waited to try because of a health issue. Ended up being IVF was too quick to get good quality egg, if I had to go back I'd freeze my eggs as soon as I got insurance that covered it.

 

[andreia]

@neophyte365 I've heard that freezing eggs isn't very effective in terms of the likelihood of getting a viable pregnancy out of it at the end. Don't know the science of it, but I've heard it's not worth the financial cost when you weigh it up against any potential benefits (but, of course, do your own research and consult with a doctor and don't let strangers on Reddit tell you what to do).

With regards to non-monogamy - I understand the desire completely. In an ideal world, monogamy wouldn't be the default. However, I do think non monogamy is extremely difficult because we've all been conditioned to think monogamy is the only acceptable way to live. I've seen several nice, intelligent, educated, well-intentioned couples try non-monogamy - each and every one of them ended up breaking up over it. Either extreme jealousy occurred, people miscommunicated or people got hurt in some other way. In my opinion, it's easier to be single and sleep around, or be in a monogamous commitment. I personally would seriously advise against non-monogamy with someone you want to start a family with - it invites all sorts of drama. Again, don't let a stranger on Reddit tell you what to do. Just my two cents.

 

[cbonn103]

@andreia I've known several couples to break up over it too. One had children and it was so hard for them. I actually met them by being a non-mono partner, and stayed in touch after we ended things and I got with my partner. In my experience in the community, it only really works if nothing is too serious. Personally I'd be devastated if my partner suggested it and it would likely be the end of things.

 

[watchdogofgod]

@neophyte365 I've read that it's a lot more effective to freeze embryos than eggs. A lot of eggs don't survive the freezing and thawing process. If you make and freeze embryos with your partner, and later end your relationship, I'm not sure the legalities of whether you can transfer that embryo without his consent.

On the other hand, I imagine that suggesting to freeze embryos, rather than eggs, would demonstrate a level of commitment to your partner that may make your non-monogamy conversation easier for him to bear. I feel that if I were to freeze my eggs and suggest opening up my relationship with my husband, he would take that as me having a foot out the door, not actually planning on staying and having children with him.

 

[neophyte365]

@watchdogofgod Oh I love this idea! I had never thought about embryos but I do love the commitment aspect of it. Gonna start doing some research, thanks!

 

[eastsideeric]

@neophyte365 Talk to your husband first, then talk to a doctor about freezing your eggs. It's entirely possible requesting ENM will nuke your relationship with your hubby, so kids may not be on your mind if that happens. And if he is open to it, then you're going to want to prioritize figuring out ENM several years before kids enter the equation. But you should be prepared for the possibility that the request ends your relationship or that he says no and you need to decide if you want to stay or move on. So essentially, idk that freezing your eggs is the right move until you figure out all of this stuff with your life and relationship. But definitely ask a doctor and see what they think (after you've talked to your hubby).

 

[raytheon]

@neophyte365 I’m poly! Have been since before I knew there was a word for it, but practicing it more intentionally for the past decade. My partner has a long term girlfriend but I haven’t been dating anyone else for a bit focusing on other things right now, and I joke that I’ll get back out there in my 50s lol. I definitely agree that putting off kids is a good idea, the care of a small human is very demanding and emotional and figuring out poly stuff can be very demanding and emotional.

Obviously it’s a personal choice to freeze but from what I’ve been reading on r/TTCover30 (at least I think that’s what the sub is), for most people, fertility stays pretty solid for longer than you’d think. There’s an Adam’s Ruins Everything video about it fertility past 30 that really put my mind at ease. There’s decreases, but they are less than I thought, and frozen eggs arent going to be better quality than the ones you already got. Also, according to recent census data, the amount of people today having kids in early 20s and early 30s is roughly the same. If you are still thinking about it, look into the success rate of frozen eggs and compare it with the cost. Also talk to your doctor about potential treatments because I was just reading in a fertility book (the impatient woman’s guide to getting pregnant) that for some people the impact of PCOS on fertility can be negated with medications.

Sorry I sort of rambled but I’m 30 and have a lot of the same anxieties about fertility (I might have PCOS, have a family history of fertility issues, and also I’m trans so that adds fun unknowns into the mix) and I’ve been trying to learn more sorry that you also gotta deal with this - the anxiety sucks. Talking about it to your partner and your support network helps

 

[lysak]

@neophyte365 Have you actually looked at freezing your eggs? Because if you have PCOS and are already 30 that could be a bigger task than your imagining. The egg retrieval is really taxing and the cost is high. On the plus side you could jump straight to IVF when you do start trying which is nice if you end up having fertility problems, annoying if you don’t.

I sort of doubt that my husband and I will be totally monogamous forever but we aren’t putting off kids for it. If it happens it happens and we’ll deal with it but having a goal to set a timeline on finding new relationships seems difficult as well.