8.5w journey - also posted in r/miscarriage- just wanted to share
(TW: miscarriage)
Hi all, I just had my D&C of my 5th and final miscarriage. I’m 40 now, and after 5 losses I’m ready to accept I will not have any more babies.
I just wanted to write it out-
I conceived this baby on July 12th (yes I was tracking lol). Conceived with lots of love and good times.
Unknowingly, the baby (I want to call it baby, I know it wasn’t yet) traveled with me from Canada to Holland to see my family, after more than 20 months apart due to Covid. ‘We’ hiked, we ran, we went to the beach. On the last day in Holland, I found out I was pregnant.
I was nervous, scared. Not sure if I even wanted this, so scared of pain after so many losses. I wrote about those fears and doubts.
We traveled back to Canada, embraced by my son (8) and partner. I told my partner the next day, and we agreed to not get excited, not after the 4 losses we had had.
But baby grew, and I had ultrasounds every week (high risk of ectopic). Hormones kicked in, boobs hurt, I started feeling tired, and my mental health suffered.
I became sick, so sick, throwing up 8-14 times a day. I was suffering. I booked an abortion - I didn’t know how to pull through. But I postponed that abortion, had another scan and saw baby grow and have a heartbeat. I got medications that made me a little less sick. I canceled the abortion. I felt love, I wanted this, no matter how sick and awful I felt. But I was so so scared.
Then an 8 week scan. Baby measured 8w, such a strong heartbeat. I had hope, started to imagine the future, names…I think it was a girl, I would have called her Sigrid. I smiled, I loved.
But a next visit with my OB was just a few days later, and she offered a scan just for reassurance. Baby measured 8w5d, but the heartbeat was so so slow.
I knew what that meant. The next days were hell. I was still vomiting, my breasts hurt, so tired, for nothing. My baby was dying inside of me.
I tried to do things with it - went to the pool, took walks in the sun.
Yesterday before my scan I jogged up a big hill. I was so sick, but wanted to take baby to my favourite spots in the city - the woods with a view of the entire city. I rubbed my belly, I said sorry for not being sure, for being so scared, and told baby she (?) was loved, wanted.
At the scan, the heartbeat had stopped. 8w5d. I was able to get a D&C the same afternoon. The nurses and doctors were very sweet. I’m home now, sad, empty. But the nausea is gone, the brain fog is gone, and my mental health aside from this grief is more stable. There’s mercy in that.
I don’t know what’s next. No more pregnancies for me. I told my partner that if he wants a biological child, it cannot be with me. I will honour his decisions, and he can always be a part of my and my son’s lives. I don’t know the future, and I am sad there will be no more baby for me, but I know I am privileged and am grateful for what I have.
I wish my 5 losses had a grave, a spot to go to and cry. Maybe I’ll get a tattoo, or set up a little spot at home. If I had a girl she would be named Sigrid, a boy Oskar. I dreamt of a little baby girl, which in the past I thought was a sign, and that dream became a reason to keep trying. But it was just a dream. I gave it my all, and then some, and it was still worth it.
(TW: miscarriage)
Hi all, I just had my D&C of my 5th and final miscarriage. I’m 40 now, and after 5 losses I’m ready to accept I will not have any more babies.
I just wanted to write it out-
I conceived this baby on July 12th (yes I was tracking lol). Conceived with lots of love and good times.
Unknowingly, the baby (I want to call it baby, I know it wasn’t yet) traveled with me from Canada to Holland to see my family, after more than 20 months apart due to Covid. ‘We’ hiked, we ran, we went to the beach. On the last day in Holland, I found out I was pregnant.
I was nervous, scared. Not sure if I even wanted this, so scared of pain after so many losses. I wrote about those fears and doubts.
We traveled back to Canada, embraced by my son (8) and partner. I told my partner the next day, and we agreed to not get excited, not after the 4 losses we had had.
But baby grew, and I had ultrasounds every week (high risk of ectopic). Hormones kicked in, boobs hurt, I started feeling tired, and my mental health suffered.
I became sick, so sick, throwing up 8-14 times a day. I was suffering. I booked an abortion - I didn’t know how to pull through. But I postponed that abortion, had another scan and saw baby grow and have a heartbeat. I got medications that made me a little less sick. I canceled the abortion. I felt love, I wanted this, no matter how sick and awful I felt. But I was so so scared.
Then an 8 week scan. Baby measured 8w, such a strong heartbeat. I had hope, started to imagine the future, names…I think it was a girl, I would have called her Sigrid. I smiled, I loved.
But a next visit with my OB was just a few days later, and she offered a scan just for reassurance. Baby measured 8w5d, but the heartbeat was so so slow.
I knew what that meant. The next days were hell. I was still vomiting, my breasts hurt, so tired, for nothing. My baby was dying inside of me.
I tried to do things with it - went to the pool, took walks in the sun.
Yesterday before my scan I jogged up a big hill. I was so sick, but wanted to take baby to my favourite spots in the city - the woods with a view of the entire city. I rubbed my belly, I said sorry for not being sure, for being so scared, and told baby she (?) was loved, wanted.
At the scan, the heartbeat had stopped. 8w5d. I was able to get a D&C the same afternoon. The nurses and doctors were very sweet. I’m home now, sad, empty. But the nausea is gone, the brain fog is gone, and my mental health aside from this grief is more stable. There’s mercy in that.
I don’t know what’s next. No more pregnancies for me. I told my partner that if he wants a biological child, it cannot be with me. I will honour his decisions, and he can always be a part of my and my son’s lives. I don’t know the future, and I am sad there will be no more baby for me, but I know I am privileged and am grateful for what I have.
I wish my 5 losses had a grave, a spot to go to and cry. Maybe I’ll get a tattoo, or set up a little spot at home. If I had a girl she would be named Sigrid, a boy Oskar. I dreamt of a little baby girl, which in the past I thought was a sign, and that dream became a reason to keep trying. But it was just a dream. I gave it my all, and then some, and it was still worth it.
and in this climate (Montreal) it’s especially hard. A tattoo is a safer bet for me haha
