Ex is asking to change the kids schools after getting married/moving

akne

New member
I'm looking to get some feedback, I'm trying to be open minded, and relatively objective about the request but i have a hard time looking past what I feel is another obvious play to move the kids lives farther away from me. (I'm sorry but I provide as much detail as i can for perspective, if you can stick it out and give me your feedback i would appreciate it.)

Backstory details: My ex and I have two kids, 10, and 7. My 10 yo daughter has Asperger's, and ADD. My 7 year old is for all intensive purposes a normal boy. We divorced in 2017. Last year at the start of the Pandemic, my ex met a dude, had him and his two sons he has half the time move in with her , put up her new home for sale, then they bought a house 30 miles away, and got engaged, and then promptly married. All in 8 months. Looking past how ridiculously fast this all happened, I'm happy she found each other. Then she wanted me to agree to change schools to a new K-5 school last year for the kids from my city, to her new one which is a different city/county. I said no. They had just moved from another school last year (2019-2020 school year) because my daughter had constant issues with other kids and even her teacher and I forced my Ex to actually evaluate this (she had been brushing it off when my daughter brought it up for months), as it was that was a massive amount of disruption in their life. I did state we could revisit this for the next year. So here we are.

She still wants to move the kids out to her school district. I want to keep them in the current school.


Pro of changing school: The other school is highly rated on websites, small class sizes and it being a higher tax bracket kinda area provide more attention for the students. The idea that my kids would get a "better education".

Cons: In general this would be another massive change/disruption in their lives in a years time. My daughter is now just getting into a swing of how things are and would then need to change her whole life again. She would lose any security she had developed with her current friends (she talks to them daily in their remote learning classes, and after school) by being removed from her current social group and thrust into another one. Then after next year cuz its a K-5 school, she would be forced to go to yet another new school after next year when she goes into 6th grade for 3 more years then go into HS. On top of all of that, the school is not art focused, and wouldn't make acceptations to it outside of my daughters IEP.


Pro of Staying in Current school: They are established there. Its a school of the arts, so they intergrade art into most of their curriculum. My daughter is fantastically artistic, she is constantly painting while listening to her teachers over this Remote schooling/quarantine school year. She has retained much more then she would if she couldn't express herself in her assignments like she has. The school has met all of my daughters needs and because they had go to this specific school for multiple summer camp years they (both kids) already know people and staff when we transferred them over to it.

Con: It is technically rated much lower then the other proposed school district. I live in the suburbs of a moderately large city, so the school has a larger student count. Which it turn means more students per class, and not all of them from extremely wealthy families like the new school would be which comes with all the social/economic problems that normally follow.


Other Notes: My Ex was the one who originally suggested this current school, as it was near her previous house and mine and after we discussed it we both agreed it would be a fine change at my daughter's request. In my state, neither one of us has unilateral authority to made major changes to the kids lifes since we both have 50/50 custody. We need to agree on changes. Hence this discussion. I will be honest, I have my own personal hang-ups that I'm trying hard to keep out of my thought process. I feel like since shes rushing into her new perfect life, shes trying to establish the kids lives over there as if I don't matter/exist and every friendship my kids have now wont matter going forward. I promised i wouldn't disappear from my kids lives like my father did to me. The commute to her house and the school is 30 minutes in the best of traffic, in my head no matter what school her and I are driving every school day to pick them up/drop them off to balance it out. Its only fair.

I did call the principle of the school my ex suggested and asked her if she could tell me about the school cuz I'm working to decide.(I'm trying to be objective) She started off telling me how the school is definitely not diverse. This was the first point after "high achieving". My heart sank to be honest, and I actively wrote it down as a con. My family is Caucasian, and her delivery of this detail came across to me as a very "privileged" thing to say. Just rubbed me really wrong.

Also, her new husband's kids would NOT be going to this new school. They go to a private school over by my house. Cuz of course they do.

I guess on one point i wrote all this out to get it out of my system. I have had so much anxiety over the last few days and I'm trying to direct this into something constructive. I think my ex is a good person, and i know she loves our kids. But I also know she would rather forget her past and just have everything over by her. Shes already moved their dentist and the kids dr over to their city.

Thoughts / Feedback / Opinions? I'm trying to be open minded.
 
@akne If it were me, I would push it down the road again and say absolutely not for 5th grade, but we can reevaluate for middle school when daughter would have to make a change anyway.

Then that gives you a year for either ex to settle down and have more stability...or not. And you go from there and evaluate the situation and the middle schools.

(Not to ignore your son's needs, but I think you're right to center the "needier" child for a bit in this big decision. She's at more of a change point than your son, who would have time to acclimate if they did move that next year.)
 
@akne What does it say in your parenting plan when it comes to moving? If it’s a true 50/50 arrangement then she can’t change anything without your agreement. If you say no then that’s it. Some plans have one parent with veto power though. There is usually a limit on mileage for moves and should definitely have rules about changing schools.
 
@khendricks7 She can't move more then 50 miles away, so she met that requirement. And in the end its 50/50 so we have to come to an agreement. If not we need to get a mediator or family court involved.
 
@akne My ex did the same thing, met and married someone within 8 months. eta: My kids also do not go to the same school as their stepsibling because she does virtual school. My ex wanted this to be the option with new wife supervising 100% of my kids schooling, that was a huge no from me.

I fought the school district change he requested. I won. The kids stayed in their current district. If its 50/50 decision making, kids staying in the school is the status quo. You would have to agree to change it or she would have to try to force it via court order.
 
@stefana And thats what I pointed out to her so thats why she has asked if we can make time to have "a discussion". I know her though, she already has her mind made up and is going to try and change mine. I have already in our text messages explained that I am not interested in changing the kids schools but would entertain the discussion.

I'm very happy that she found her perfect guy (they are even grossly lovey-dovey on facebook which screams "look at how happy I am") but i dislike needless change.
 
@akne I would refuse to have a face to face conversation. I would email her saying that you believe the current school is the right choice for the children and your reasons remain the same as last year when this was decided and that you will not change the school without a court order. End of conversation.
 
@akne It seems like you have a good idea of what's best for your kids and are trying to take a balanced approach to the decision. I think you have to ignore all the non child focused aspects of this and focus on advocating for your kids. The new school might be more convenient for your ex, but you have 50/50 so it's not really better if it's less convenient for you. The most convenient school would be close to both of you. Also, the best school for your kids may not be the most convenient one.
 
@akne Just wanted to tell you how awesome it is you analyzed and wrote down the pros and cons of each thing here. It's very easy and common to simply represent the story in such a way that you can only get the answer you want.

I have no opinions here but I very much hope things pan out in a way that keeps you and your kids happy.
 
@akne My only feedback, since I feel like you were so thorough and really thought about everything, is I think your ex has some issues with being spontaneous and fleeting.

So make sure it’s not just a fleeting decision she wants since she’s already tried to uproot the kids entire life and has had so many changes.

Personally I would want to keep at least one thing in their lives consistent. The grass is not always greener.

Maybe ask the kids and try to really see what they would like, but make sure to use “if” statements so they don’t get their hopes up either way.
 
@godisgraciois I actually already spoke with the kids. "Hey, mom and I are trying to figure out which school you should go to. If you had the chance to go to a fancy new school out by mom would you be interested in that?"

My daughter was like "NO, Absolutely not. I would take city transportation back to my own school every day if I had to. I love my school"

My Son "Nooo, i wanna stay at my current one. Can I play the playstation now?"
 
@akne So find a 3rd option, have them go to the private school near you.. :D

I get it alot easier said then done.. But assuming their other kids go to the school near you, this appears (offhand) to be less of having kids closer to one parent or the other. As her "new" kids go to the one near you. It appears offhand that now that she's looking at a larger area of "shared" region/area that you as a family are working with.

In general I suggest standing back from it all and seeing what's best for the kids. My kids have ADHD, and dealt with a lot of stress from my ex. They still see her, and her new place is outside of the district. She wants to have them 50/50.. and take them to school etc (she's not as far as you are though. (right now it's more of a 80/20) Any case ignoring my issues..

Consider what's best for the kids.. none of my kids have Asperger's nor have I dealt with it so I don't know really what to suggest.. But for the one that has another year left at the school, I'd almost suggest to let her finish at the current school. And look ahead and see where she should go for 6+ look at the region between the two of you and see where the best place for her.
 
@akne Well if you chip in some, and ex & hubby does who knows... Aparently they can afford to send two kids. Some schools offer a discount for multiple...
But yeah money is a touchy subject... I'd love to send my kids to a Montessori or the Goddard school.. But their expensive as hell...
 
@akne Your pros for staying put far outweigh the cons. And as a parent of a neurodivergent child, you absolutely have to prioritize your daughter’s needs and comfort.

The only pro for switching that isn’t about your ex’s convenience is about wealth and school ratings. Well, those go hand in hand unfortunately. As a teacher, I’d suggest not paying too much attention to school scores. They’re based on standardized test scores and are not the only important measure of a school community and experience. It sounds like your daughter is thriving where she is, so why change her yet again?

Add to all that your daughter’s (and son’s) response to considering a move and the right decision is pretty clear.
 
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