Even More Unsolicited Perspective - There is Hope!

mndad2

New member
These couple of days I've posted on a few different topics that have garnered lots of interest, so I wanted to keep the streak alive! My goal has been to share advice/perspective that I wish I would have been exposed to earlier in my parenting journey.

Today, I wanted to provide my raw and honest perspective about the first three months of having twins. This is not a new topic in community, but it absolutely a topic that most parents of singletons avoid like the plague.

So, here's the scoop: the first three months of having twins were, without question, the worst three months of my life. Yep, I said it. It was terrible. You enjoyed those "precious moments"? I think you're batshit crazy. That "little smile, ever so brief" was not even remotely close enough to get me through the day. You "wouldn't trade it for anything"? I'd trade it for nothing! Hell, if there was an option to ship off my infants to some kind of infant colony for the first three months of their lives, I'd be the first to sign up! As you kids get older, they call this summer camp!

Let's all cut the blowhard BS on this topic. If you are the 1 in 100 that actually enjoyed this chapter, go ahead and keep that to yourself (and for some of you, stop lying to yourselves!). This kinda stuff doesn't help the other 99 that are struggling.

You are not a bad person if you hate the early months of raising multiples. It does not mean you don't love your children. It doesn't mean you weren't ready to be a parent. It doesn't mean you are or will be a bad parent. Ideally, you'll live to see your kids turn 50, so those three months might only represent 0.5% of your job as a parent. Being a parent is so much more than the very brief chapter of being a parent to infants.

In those early days, it drove me absolutely crazy to hear other parents (including those of multiples) tell me "Well... it doesn't necessarily get easier, it's just... different." Nope, you're wrong. My 1 year olds are 100000x easier than they were those first few months. Will there be chapters ahead that are more difficult than the chapter I'm in today? Absolutely! Will there be more terrible chapters? probably!

So, for those of you drudging through the first 90 days, hang in there. I promise you, it will get better. So, so much better. There is hope!

When I first found out I was having twins, I called a friend's older brother who had twins who are several years older than me. When I asked for advice, his simple response was: "You're fucked." Best and most honest feedback I got before my kids were born.

Thank you for attending today's TED talk.
 
@mndad2 💯! It sucks. It does get better, and every phase has its challenges. On of my happiest days was when I gave away my double strollers. Another amazing milestone was being able to leave my house with the kids alone inside, and I could take a walk around my neighborhood with my husband. Taking a walk alone was liberating. And anyone that pines about wanting multiples has no idea what the hell they are talking about.
 
@ffm1967 It’s years away for me but I honestly cannot wait til I can get rid of my huge, annoying, cumbersome double pram. Mine are still using the bassinets and it is SUCH A PAIN.
 
@ffm1967 I am obsessed with my twins and I love them madly and I’d never want anything different than what I have now, but I second your last sentence. Anyone who says they want multiples just doesn’t have a fucking clue.
 
@ffm1967 The other people without multiples pining for them has always bothered me. All through my pregnancy I had friends tell me how lucky I was because it’s “one and done” and how that would just be so much easier for them than trying to have a second kid…. Like okay. It’s not and pretty sure based on my current 7 weeks of experience as a twin parent you would have a very hard time with it.
 
@jahrooshshalom They have no idea the toll being double pregnant has on a body and it was honestly a very isolating and lonely experience looking back. I didn’t realize how much more difficult it was until almost a year postpartum when I finally started feeling normal and could compare it to what had just become my normal.
 
@dan123 Absolutely. I would be sitting on the couch for days on end during the third trimester and wishing I could do things and people telling me how they wish they could relax like me. Or the people thinking I’m being “too cautious” or lazy or whatever. Nope just couldn’t function because there are too babies instead of one here. Also the delivery which ended a week earlier and I was on magnesium because of preeclampsia and don’t remember holding my children for the first time. Which is so common for twins I feel like.
 
@mndad2 😭 I have 12 week/7 week adjusted boys and this makes me feel better. I love my babies and I wanted them for six years but this is so so so hard. No one is happy. Not me, not my husband, not my poor colicky reflux babies. I am afraid we ruined our lives. I am afraid having twins just sucks and we got screwed over by life. Hoping it gets better soon.
 
@daiphucka It’s super fucking hard. Every day was survival for the first few months (years?) idk it’s all a blur until maybe 3 yrs. Mine are about to turn 8 and it’s so damn amazing now. It’s so worth it once you get through the absolute exhaustion.
 
@daiphucka Honestly, you're so, so close to the finish line on the worst stuff! We are at 5 months, one day shortly after their 3 month birthday it was like...this is better! The fun is outweighing the hard!

Even the reflux gets better. Ours had rough reflux (what is it with twins and reflux?? I feel like I see that mentioned as a problem here more so than my bump group), soaked onesies after every feed, it was demoralizing. Sometime around 3 months, I felt like I was changing onesies less. By four months, I realized they can wear the same thing all day, and while the spit up still happens at 5 it feels way more normal (definitely a lot more clear drool now).

You're so close, you got this!
 
@daiphucka It 100% gets better and you are in the absolute worst of it right now. I promise it gets better. It’s going to be awhile but it will get better.
 
@mndad2 Yeah hearing "it doesn't get easier, just different was disheartening because I was struggling SO MUCH and there's no way I could have dealt with the same level of difficulty indefinitely. But it also felt like total bullshit, because the people who said it did not seem as fucked up as I felt. The first months are absolutely harder than everything else. Doesn't mean the other stuff is easy. Lol, hell no. It's still hard. It's just not as hard as it was then.

Also, a singleton after twins feels like such a breeze. I can actually remember the first few months of her life too!
 
@mndad2 Not gonna lie, my wife and I (first time parents) are expecting twins in 7 months and I am really terrified for those first few months. Trying to enjoy getting sleep now while I can. I just hope we can make it through without having mental breakdowns.
 
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