Emotional trauma from having NICU experience

[youngwarrior]

Hey friends, my son was born unresponsive via C-section at 39w5d due to inhaling meconium. Of course he had to be incubated & spent 6 days in the NICU. We’ve been home for a few weeks now & we’re recovering well however I find myself haunted by this experience. Yes I’m discussing this with a mental health professional but I think I need to release these thoughts with folks who’ve experienced the NICU. No doubt I haven’t fully processed this experience. I also have a 5 year old daughter whom I had to spend 5 days away from & I can’t get over this one FaceTime call in which she was crying because we were apart. I’m lowkey torn by this entire experience. Any wisdom, advice with kindness would be greatly appreciated. Thank you

 

[zesterer]

@youngwarrior Haunted is 100% the right word…I had a traumatic, unexpected delivery with my first as well, at 30w, in which baby and I both could have died had we gotten to the hospital even 5 min later. He was born unresponsive and purple, but thankfully quickly resuscitated. That was followed by 49 days in the NICU/SCN. My little boy just turned 4mo recently though, and is now doing great.

I’ve really been struggling with the loss of the rest of my pregnancy experience, especially because this will likely be my only due to not wanting to risk the same thing happening (placental abruption/precipitous labor with a footling breech baby), and also knowing my husband and I would really struggle if we had to do another NICU stay. I’m 37 too, so the risks are only going up with time. It hits me at random times, and it’s still so hard to see people who have the “normal” experience and not be a little jealous that they don’t know the fear of giving birth and having to wait those agonizing minutes to hear “we have a live baby”, or the pain of being discharged and having to go home without your baby.

To be honest, this community has helped me a lot, in some ways more than my therapist, because there’s just a level of understanding that comes from sharing with people who’ve had similar experiences. This is one of those “you don’t truly get out until you’ve lived it” situations. I’ve also talked to friends and family when I feel able, and most of all just tried to give myself and my husband grace. This whole experience is filled with so many conflicting, multi-layered emotions (the joy of having baby but also mourning the loss of the typical joyful delivery experience, for example), and it’s going to take time to process and begin to heal. Just take it one day at a time

 

[konan]

@youngwarrior My son was also born via c section, my first baby, at 29+5 on May 4th. He's been in NICU since..Haunting is the perfect word to describe how I've been feeling today. It isn't easy by any means no matter how long your stay is..leaving your baby while you go home is such an unnattural feeling. Sending you tons of love

 

[jgarlits]

@youngwarrior Being a NICU parent is traumatic. Whether you are there six days or six months, it is some of the most stressful and exhausting experiences a parent can face. What you are feeling is completely normal and expected.

Give yourself grace. You’ve already recognized you’re still processing things which is a huge step in the right direction. Getting help is also a huge step.

Take things one day at a time, look for the happy moments, and remember that the time in the NICU and the trials therein were a means to an end.

Good luck!

 

[jesusismysavior821201]

@youngwarrior First of all, congrats on leaving the NICU and being home. It is an extremely traumatic experience. Our baby girl born 40+2 was a severe meconium aspiration baby. She had pulmonary hypertension and all the awful things that happen as a result of meconium aspiration. She was intubated on an oscillator and on paralytic medication for the first two weeks of her life. We spent 40 days in the NICU, with half our stay being in the level 3 NiCU. It was horrific and to this day I don’t know how we made it and how she’s been totally fine since then. Just keep speaking with your therapist. Time heals and just breathe a deep sigh of relief that you’re home.

 

[manga006]

@youngwarrior I’m so sorry you went through this!

My son was born 40+5. He also aspirated meconium and was born not breathing. He was cooled and had seizures during the cooling period. We spent 10 days in the hospital (5 in NICU, 5 on the regular pediatric unit) he was diagnosed with moderate to severe HIE. He is now 10 months old and couldn’t be doing better! He’s met all his milestones early and is the happiest (and busiest!) baby I’ve ever met!

The NICU trauma never goes away. However, it does get easier with time and therapy. I remember the first few months I spiralled almost every night worried about what our life would be like after what we went through. It was awful.

I spent a lot of time on this subreddit, it helped me a lot to know I wasn’t alone in how I felt and was also always open to my partner and family and friends about how I was feeling.

I still think about our time in the hospital and my labor and delivery but it is far less frequent and the thoughts are less sad. Watching my baby grow and thrive naturally helped me cope. I didn’t do a ton of therapy, but I wish I did and still plan to once I’m back to work with benefits.

Take it day by day and let yourself feel your feelings. It’s ok to be sad and to mourn the experience you thought and wish you’d have!

Sending love

 

[youngwarrior]

Thank you so much y’all . I’ll be back with more gratitude but for now just reading your testimonies is doing a lot for my spirit. Thank you so much

 

[princefox3]

@youngwarrior You got this!

 

[anna_a]

@youngwarrior I was diagnosed with PTSD from my experience. You are doing great with talking to a professional, keep it up. I feel so much better now though, 3 years down the road. It was hard, because it’s just hard to process anything when you’re in the newborn life and hormones. I probably started feeling back to my regular self 2 years later. It sounds sad but healing is slow and everything was getting better all the time. Just keep going to therapy and you’ll get there! It can be very traumatic for people.

 

[kylespringer]

@youngwarrior Our little one has been home for 6 days after 26 in the Nicu. Similarly seeking professional help for all the emotions.

I mostly wanted to comment on your 5 year old. I’m a pediatric SLP with minor in psych. Your little one cried on the phone because she has a strong healthy attachment to you, I promise she is not scarred for life. That’s a normal response for a healthy kiddo. Hang in there OP!

 

[ldh]

@youngwarrior Still not home, my 30 weeker has been in 8 weeks now but haunted is definitely the word for describing this experience. Personally I didn’t let myself think about anything in the beginning because I just had to get through it, but once it became daily life and I was out of “survival mode” and started processing things I realized ….wow, that was a lot. It’s a lot to deal with and it’s normal to feel that way.

 

[cubby5000]

@youngwarrior I’m so sorry you had to go through this. There’s nothing that scars quite as deeply as watching your child in danger or pain and being able to do nothing about it.

My twins were born at 26 weeks due to HELLP syndrome and were in the NICU for 14 weeks. In those 14 weeks I cried exactly once during a Brady event my daughter was having while on my chest. First there was just one nurse trying to annoy my daughter into breathing, then there were suddenly 6 others in our pod. My husband was at work and I was alone so I alone carry this memory.

It’s been 5.5 years. My kiddos are happy and healthy and thriving. Our lives are amazing and so much better for having them with us. They’re my favorite people.

But sometimes I close my eyes and I hear the alarms. I feel the pain and panic. I cry even knowing my babies are fine resting in the next room. It gets easier, the pain dulls, the happy soothes those haunted feelings. But I’m not sure it goes away completely. It changed me as a person to my very core.

 

[youngwarrior]

Thank you all SO much for all your support, kind words & assurance. Everyday I read your comments & I’m feeling more like myself again. I’m finding the will to take care of myself again- I’m eating/sleeping/thinking better . I’m sending lots of love back to you all. I love you all & thank you for communing with me

 

[recheal95]

@youngwarrior I wish I had some advice, but sadly I don’t. Just commenting so you know you’re not alone. Plus postpartum hormones amplify all the normal emotions you’d be feeling anyway. I will say it does get easier with time. Being home finally and bonding with my son is what helped the most. My son spent 6 weeks in the NICU, and it was awful. I even work in the NICU, so you would think it wouldn’t have been so hard on me…but I was still wrecked by it. It’s a really unfair and shitty situation.