E-learning is hurting relationship with child, while Dad still gets to be the “fun” parent

[struggling26]

7 year old lives primarily with me (mom), and has every other weekend at her Dad’s. Due to COVID, I was able to move to working remotely to supervise my child’s e-learning, and it was important to me that she had an organized and consistent place she could call her own for remote schooling, plus her Dad wanted nothing to do with the remote schooling anyway. So she’s doing e-learning at my house, while I work remotely. It has really put a strain on our relationship because I have to be the “mean mom” who is constantly telling her what to do, reminding her to finish this or that assignment, all while I’m working and sometimes on the phone or in a meeting and can’t provide the support she needs, and our days together are no longer fun like they were before all of this.

Then she goes to Dad’s for the weekend. It’s just like before Covid, fun and games, no school, no stress, just fun. At my house, she throws fits, acts out, tells me she wants to go to dad’s because it’s boring here, and I don’t feel like I have the same little girl anymore.

I’m beyond exhausted both physically and mentally and growing anxious daily about if my relationship with my daughter will ever recover. Anyone else feeling like this?

 

[katrina2017]

@struggling26 Just know that you’re not alone. I tried sending my kid with 1 assignment per weekend just so dad could stay involved in school (he said he wanted that) and it was too stressful for him.... He’s a teacher.

Luckily I have enough weekend time we block off one day/month for “fun day” with just the two of us, no chores, no homework- just special bonding. I think it helps our son remember that mom’s the enforcer because she has to be, not because she likes being mean.

As a side note- social scientists are watching how women are disproportionately being hurt in the pandemic because they are more likely to take a step back in their career for remote learning, coordinating needs for older parents etc. It’ll take at least a decade to make up for all the momentum we’re losing right now.

 

[struggling26]

@katrina2017 Thank you. I’m sorry you’re also going through this. It’s just so awful. As a working parent, I do appreciate seeing my daughter more but it’s not how I would like to spend our time together. We do try to plan a “fun day” - usually Sundays so I will keep doing that.

 

[ebetch84]

@struggling26 My kids are a little older and my ex and I have an unusually great co-parenting relationship so YMMV...
When this issue started we decided to level the playing field. My kids do their "easy" work at dad's house. The reading, the typing, the finish work on projects. As a bonus, dad now knows what's going on in school. It's never more than an hour or two of work so it doesn't interfere.

 

[struggling26]

@ebetch84 You’re in a good position. I wish he would be more helpful but when I have sent actual homework with her to his house, he brings it back the next day and says they were too busy. It blows my mind

 

[katrina2017]

@struggling26 I'm in this exact position, too. I started a "gold star" program where she starts with three gold stars and if she misbehaves i take one away. They carry over and she can trade them in for things.

Point being, it has helped establish a routine and she enjoys it. She trades them in for trips to play with me at the park, movie night with hot cocoa and popcorn, and fro-yo if she's good all week. It's a little bit of excitement for her that she can look forward to. It's all we can really do with the time that we have.

 

[struggling26]

@katrina2017 This is a good idea. Thanks!

 

[fedya]

@struggling26 My kid is 16 and doesn't see his other parent at all. Even though they arefully capable, they are behind in all of all of their classes. I had to lay out some pretty harsh rules that stay in place until they get caught up. But I also realize that it is hard on them as well, so I make sure we have regular time together doing something fun and not talking about school. This switch to e-learning has been incredibly hard for parents, especially when you have to be both parents.

If your child is doing well in school maybe you could contact their teacher and explain the parenting situation to see if there is anything they can do to help lighten the load for you. For example, if they have to do five spelling assignments a week but always score well on spelling tests perhaps they could do three. I have found my child's teachers to be incredibly accommodating if you explain what you and your child are dealing with.

 

[struggling26]

@fedya Her teacher has been super helpful and accommodating! We tend to do leftover daytime schoolwork after I’m done with work, and the teacher is really flexible with due dates.

 

[lexmark]

@struggling26 I am in the same position as you. Dad has them Fri eve - Mon eve with all the weekend fun that comes with it, and he has one day of virtual learning. I have them Mon eve - Fri eve. He found the virtual learning too much and they missed assignments when we swapped for one week. I now work a reduced schedule remotely while he keeps his 40hr remote week.

I, too, was worried about becoming only the strict enforcer, so I’ve been taking a half day on Wednesdays to take the kids to the park (when it was warm), socially distanced field trips to the zoo and aquarium, and we did a few fun STEM experiments so I could have quality bonding time away from work and school. It did help. We’re driving to see the winter lights tomorrow.

It’s so much work to plan for but it’s helped to alleviate the collective stress in the house while we are all working and schooling remotely.

I’ve also given them tasks to “help mommy around the house” like taking the dog out, feeding her, or cleaning the kitchen table. They’ve seen me physically stressed out and crying while making lunch due to work deadlines one pitiful afternoon and ever since, they’ve taken more to try to be my helpers. They see that Mom is doing it by herself. It works with my 10 and 8 yo so this may be age dependent. Younger aged children may not be able to get this concept.

 

[struggling26]

@lexmark Thanks for your reply. I’m so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you have a good system in place and I’ll take these recommendations into consideration. I hope things get better soon for everyone!

 

[gofthesearching]

@struggling26 Can you do school at a schedule that works for both you and your daughter?

That's what I've been doing. I have a kindergartener that is virtual learning, a 1yr old, I also work and go to school from home. So we do assignments when we can. Sometimes we only attend class for half a days. As long as they are thriving and learning, I don't see a problem of doing what works for your household.

These times are about managing and survival.

 

[struggling26]

@gofthesearching Thanks, I agree it’s important to just think about this in terms of basic survival. I do work shortened days to help her with school but it’s not the fun stuff that we normally would do, and it takes longer than pre-covid homework would. So I think that’s where a lot of the frustration comes in, but we do take a breather if she gets overwhelmed (which may end up delaying the “end of the day” but still worth it).

 

[prabakaran]

@struggling26 Maybe you could tell your child that you don’t want school to impact your relationship and agree on some rules together. My kids have been able to understand when I step back and tell them how the pandemic impacts adults (in an age-appropriate way).

 

[struggling26]

@prabakaran That’s a good idea, thank you! I often have quite frank conversations with my daughter to encourage an open dialogue. I hadn’t thought about this though, thanks very much!

 

[marcosgpro]

@struggling26 My kid and I really struggled with striking a balance and understanding with the mom is working, mom is teaching you, and normal mom time.

I can't help with your coparenting issue, it really sucks, but it sounds like you're rather stuck.

These helped my kid and I strike a better balance:

Incentives:

*Reward system. Each day of completed work my kiddo earns towards a small prize. There is a "small prize" box, and a larger prize box. They get the small prize box more often than the large. Nothing crazy expensive is in either box. $0-$5.
*Once work is done, it's kid choice. Want to watch TV or play a video game? Jave at it.

The incentives have helped ease some of the arguments about finishing work. Now instead of fighting my kid, we are being a team and my goal is to help reach XYZ incentive.

Empathize:

*I acknowledge that this kind of schooling is HARD, and that my kid misses recess and lunch with other kids.
*I admit it's hard for me, and I'm not a teacher and I'm doing my best to help.

Breaks/building obvious start end of work day:

*If you can squeeze in a small play break during your work day, or before or after your work day (or all three), it really helps.

My kid and I get up early, play, get ready, go for a walk, and then my workday starts. This way we've had fun together before it all starts, and the walk helps signal his brain that it's a work/school day. Like a fake commute.

And you know what. You have permission to NOT have all your kids work done perfectly. This is all HARD. You can give yourself and your kid some grace. I promise with how much you seem to care, she will be OK if you "slack" a little during this time.

 

[struggling26]

@marcosgpro These are all great ideas! Thank you so much!

 

[arjunsuresh]

@struggling26 Oh man, I hear you. My ex has been horrible with remote school.

I don’t know if this is possible for you, but I found a local high school student who does daily zoom sessions with my 4th grade son for 1-3 hours a day. I gave her access to his google classroom and photos of his worksheets. She is awesome, and he actually listens to her. Work gets done with no fighting, I don’t get fired, and I’m not just mean mommy.

 

[struggling26]

@arjunsuresh That’s a great recommendation! I will look into that.

 

[katrina2017]

@struggling26 This is pretty common with EOW situations. Is it a work schedule thing, custody order, or does he have no interest in 50/50?