Do you let your kid skip family activities for stuff the other parent wants to do with them during your time?

[carolvdmerwe]

@dennisbon Kid 1 is 11. The sad thing is I actually did schedule a little rec bball thing for our younger kid (6) because I couldn’t get ex’s agreement on any extracurriculars for her. We were very clear with the coach that Kid 3 would miss half the games/practices, Kid 3 understood this was a team for when she was at our house only, we never suggested to her that she was missing events on the other weeks, and never pressured ex to take her (we did offer to take her a couple times, which ex said no to, which was fine).

Ex was livid and decided this means they can unilaterally sign the kids up for activities too. The every-other-week sport worked fine with a 6 year old but obviously an 11 year old knows when he’s missing games. maybe I am getting what I deserve

 

[dennisbon]

@carolvdmerwe Ugh, what a MESS. I feel for you. It’s logical that extracurriculars follow the school district. It really might be worth mediation/adjusting CO language. I know that’s subjective because court costs are so intimidating. But I think it’s in the best interest of kids to have sports teams where they go to school just like the other kids. That way they build a community where they’re spending their time.

How far away does ex live?

 

[vikingqueen]

@carolvdmerwe I have never understood this logic. When my kids were younger, I always allowed them to take part in activities that they were interested(didn’t get divorced until my kids were in middle/high school) I feel like your interpreting your ex signing up your child as some sort of confrontation aimed at you. If you can take the negative emotions towards your ex out of it, this is just something your child wants to be a part of and has nothing to do with you. As your kids get older, their time with their friends will become more important to them than spending “family” time regardless of coparenting or not. This isn’t about you but your child.

 

[carolvdmerwe]

@vikingqueen I am pretty sure that in an intact family I would still want to limit my kids to a single sport or other intensive weekend activity at a time, and I would expect them to commit to going to every event unless they were sick or there was some other unusual circumstance not in their control.

 

[sadmama]

@carolvdmerwe I agree with you here. It’s one thing if you are denying your child any sort of extracurricular but you aren’t. I discuss with my spouse any time we want to sign our daughter up for a sport, yes we are married but also how do you not discuss with the other parent? The child isn’t able to see how extracurriculars can be used to manipulate the child and you can’t have that conversation with them. We have let my SS go to activities with his other parent during our time with him but not if we have plans. You can say no and set boundaries without it always being “about the ex”. Being the bigger person to a fault can cause issues in the long run.

 

[wildman77]

@carolvdmerwe For me, a kid this age is old enough to understand the consequences of scheduling conflicts. While the parents are ultimately responsible for scheduling, the kid may be in need of some realistic consequences. Let him choose, live with your own disappointment, and allow your child to have autonomy over his own time. If he regrets his decision, that's a learning opportunity for him. Your job as his parent is to be an example of emotional maturity and understanding of autonomy and self respect. Your child is capable of making his own decisions, and you are old enough to deal with whatever feelings those decisions make you have. At some point you've got to stop blaming the other parent for your child's autonomy.

 

[wildman77]

Just realized there was no age posted. Assuming if both skiing and basketball are options for this kid, they're between 7-14. That's old enough for autonomy and consequences that aren't vindictive but just natural progression of life choices.

 

[katrina2017]

@carolvdmerwe One, his father needs to stop scheduling activities unless you agree, especially if it’s going to interfere with your time. If your son said he wanted to ski and you paid for it, that’s too bad. He can skip one game. It sounds like the child is trying to please both parents and that’s fine, but there shouldn’t be any back and forth and changing his mind at the last minute.

 

[joeysoley]

@carolvdmerwe Normally I will hold the line about him going skiing, but with the comments it changes things for me. The child is clearly angry, and blames dad for the divorce, and the major changes in his life. Making him going skiing will only further perpetuate these feelings. Dad needs to take time to seriously work on mending this divide. What is the point of family skiing when it doesn’t bond you, but push you further away from one another. I would let the child play basketball and start therapy to work on the relationship.

 

[danields]

@carolvdmerwe Activities during my time are only possibly available if discussed upfront and don’t conflict with my own plans. That’s it. Signed up for something without my consideration? Not available. We already have plans? Not available. Child also knows this policy so they are never put in the middle. Something comes up and child wants to go and there is no conflict? No problem. Also - when my answer is No - I don’t explain why. Policy is clear and explanations for my ex are an invitation to scrutiny for a way in.

 

[walkingwfaith7]

@carolvdmerwe not sure how old your kid is, but just let him do what he wants. he wants to Skii AND play ball? sorry, its just not possible to do both- make him choose. part of growing up is decisions like that lol

 

[fashionhandbagsx]

@carolvdmerwe I’d let the kid go to the game.

 

[pursuitoflove]

@carolvdmerwe So, I have 2 SD's (13&8) and 1 bio kid (5f). If this was us, we would let the kids decide which they go to. I'm a firm believer in giving kids choices so they can learn cause and effect. Actions have consquences. It also helps them learn what's important to them.

My oldest would sometimes opt to stay with her mom rather than go visit my family when we were still building a relationship, which was fine. she would be annoyed her little sister would usually be annoyed her sister would have all these stories and she would feel ostracized. Now she won't miss a trip.

I hope my word vomit makes sense.

 

[torahman]

@carolvdmerwe I think your son is getting old enough to start being part of the conversation when decisions are made about extracurricular activities. With my kids (3 kids, divorced, relatively amicable co-parenting), their dad and I discuss details and then we bring whichever kid it is into the conversation and lay out our expectations for how things will move forward before they make a decision:

• If they sign up for something that both of us agree on getting them to, we expect 100% effort and commitment to that activity until their commitment is complete.
• If the other parent does not wish to commit to an activity for various reasons, the child can still potentially sign up, but only if the activity allows for partial participation.
• If only one parent commits to get the kid to the activity, then it is their responsibility to transport them there and back, even if it is not their week.
• Should any other activity come up on the non-commited parent's week, then the child may have a decision to make, depending on the activity and it's overall importance (i.e. funerals, family milestone events, big trips, etc., they do NOT get to decide).
• If the committed parent cannot transport child on the non-commited parent's week, the child will miss the activity unless the non-commited parent chooses to transport them. One time transport does not mean the parent is now committed to the activity either.

Obviously, we don't say it so clinically. Lol. But this tells our kids what to expect when they are given the opportunity to decide whether or not they want to do something. And that way, the other parent cannot claim things like, "oh well mom/dad said yes, I don't know why they are backing out now". Your kid is less likely to be caught off guard or manipulated. And it teaches them the responsibility of having to consider what else is going on in their life and in the family schedule or what else they have already committed to and whether or not it is doable.

As far as this particular issue, I would sit down with your son. Lay out the two options. Explain to him the pros and cons of both. And then ask what his thoughts are or if there are any questions or concerns he has. If he is angry, ask him to explain why he is angry. Don't react, just listen. Obviously don't tolerate disrespect, but don't get defensive if he accuses you of something his other parent might have said. You'll be better prepared to help and guide him if you know the full extent of what he is feeling. And then make your decision based on what is said in the conversation. Discuss it with him, your reasoningsnand your expectations and boundaries moving forward. And moving forward, set the expectations and boundaries with your ex as well. Inform them that if they choose to schedule activities that overlap your time without your consent, the child will not be participating during your time. Or whatever line in the sand you want to draw.

Good luck! It's never easy, but you got this!

 

[atlassalta]

@carolvdmerwe My husband’s parenting plan prohibits this. And since he works out of town, we tend to take up every minute we possibly can get since chances are he has to change the schedule often.

However, 16yo SS really wanted to film football practice for his school and it impeded on our time. My husband granted permission for it.

I would let him go to the game. But I’d address it with the other parent. State that this was not agreed upon and you don’t like being forced into this, so ask that it not happen again. Keep track of this and other issues with custody or the parenting plan so you can reference it if you need to bring it to mediation or court.