@jlkuhioe We have little external support. My parents live interstate and my in-laws live 2 hour drive away in a country town. In-laws are also on a very limited income and we don't like to ask them to drive that far on a regular basis as we don't want their car to break down. My LO is also pretty dreadful with others, she would probably be okay with her Nanna but she will not stay with anyone else. My brother and his partner have recently moved to our city which is great and I'm hoping when my daughter is older she could have time with them. My sisters also live far away and my sister in law is a basket case who can't deal with her own kids. So yeah I think it has really impacted our decision for kids
Do you have a village?
- Thread starter jlkuhioe
- Start date
@jlkuhioe Same that someone else said - we have a village but we've built it ourselves... mostly. Our parents live 45+ minutes away, but if I ask in advance and someone is available, either my dad or my husband's mom will come up to watch my 18 month old during my appointments. It's a bit of a drive and even if my appointment is quick, it's a whole day thing of having to clean the house before they come and entertaining them because they'll stay the whole day. I've considered hiring a sitter just so it's not as much of a thing lol.
But other than that, it's a little network of other SAHMs in the area that I've put effort into meeting, getting to know and keeping in touch with. Some of them are closer with each other because their kids are a bit older and go to preschool together. I'm worried if I send my daughter to a different preschool, we might have trouble staying in touch. Or I'll be busy trying to connect with parents at our preschool...
Oh, neighbors, too! We moved when babe was 6 months old and we got lucky with really awesome neighbors who have older kids. They've lived here longer and kind of already have a network. They don't necessarily watch my daughter, but they're absolutely still a part of the village. Sometimes the duty of the village isn't to help you with baby, but it's to lend you a spice you're out of so you don't have to run to the store, or have a glass of wine with you in front of your house after you've put baby down so you can have an hour of adult interaction, or work out with you at the park with their kids and your kid in tow. Watch your kitty when you go out of town for the weekend so you dont have to have a stranger in your house. Help you shovel the drive when it's snowy. That's what our village looks like, anyway. Being supported and feeling connected to your community.
I'm still one and done though, no matter how strong our village is!
But other than that, it's a little network of other SAHMs in the area that I've put effort into meeting, getting to know and keeping in touch with. Some of them are closer with each other because their kids are a bit older and go to preschool together. I'm worried if I send my daughter to a different preschool, we might have trouble staying in touch. Or I'll be busy trying to connect with parents at our preschool...
Oh, neighbors, too! We moved when babe was 6 months old and we got lucky with really awesome neighbors who have older kids. They've lived here longer and kind of already have a network. They don't necessarily watch my daughter, but they're absolutely still a part of the village. Sometimes the duty of the village isn't to help you with baby, but it's to lend you a spice you're out of so you don't have to run to the store, or have a glass of wine with you in front of your house after you've put baby down so you can have an hour of adult interaction, or work out with you at the park with their kids and your kid in tow. Watch your kitty when you go out of town for the weekend so you dont have to have a stranger in your house. Help you shovel the drive when it's snowy. That's what our village looks like, anyway. Being supported and feeling connected to your community.
I'm still one and done though, no matter how strong our village is!
akerman2631
New member
@jlkuhioe I do have a village. It took years to develop and it takes work and effort to maintain.
My parents are great and they watch my preschooler two days a week. But then also means as a significant caregiver in his life they do have a say in how he is raised. And also means that their comments on my husband and minea parenting are valid constructive criticism. Sometimes that's hard to deal with but I wouldn't have it any other way.
I have a good community of friends. They support us an individuals and humor us and interact with our kid at bbqs even if he is the only child there. They are friends we have maintened close, growing apart and close again friendships over decades. But it also means I always feel a little guilty that I don't always keep in touch. There is always someone who we havent seen in awhile and that we should have over for dinner.
We have a group of 4 families that we are actively developing deeper friendships with from our neighborhood. It meant a semi-impromotu bbq for 20 over the weekend. I love the idea that my neighbors know us and appreciate us. But it's taken 3 years, a kid and a pandemic to get to the point where we can do this.
Even with all of it, it means that we are still one and done. I am developing these connections because my kid won't have a sibling. He won't have cousins. He will need to move through the world with a chosen family once my parents and my husband and I pass away. I am trying to teach him how to find that chosen family.
My parents are great and they watch my preschooler two days a week. But then also means as a significant caregiver in his life they do have a say in how he is raised. And also means that their comments on my husband and minea parenting are valid constructive criticism. Sometimes that's hard to deal with but I wouldn't have it any other way.
I have a good community of friends. They support us an individuals and humor us and interact with our kid at bbqs even if he is the only child there. They are friends we have maintened close, growing apart and close again friendships over decades. But it also means I always feel a little guilty that I don't always keep in touch. There is always someone who we havent seen in awhile and that we should have over for dinner.
We have a group of 4 families that we are actively developing deeper friendships with from our neighborhood. It meant a semi-impromotu bbq for 20 over the weekend. I love the idea that my neighbors know us and appreciate us. But it's taken 3 years, a kid and a pandemic to get to the point where we can do this.
Even with all of it, it means that we are still one and done. I am developing these connections because my kid won't have a sibling. He won't have cousins. He will need to move through the world with a chosen family once my parents and my husband and I pass away. I am trying to teach him how to find that chosen family.
katrina2017
New member
hiplainsthrifter
New member
@jlkuhioe I’m a part time SAHM (work 2 days, stay home 3 days), and my parents watch my son those 2 days. But it makes me sad that they live farther away than is super convenient-1.5 hour drive. I would give anything if they were like 15 minutes away and we could just pop in to visit if we were having a bad day!! I feel bad complaining since we do get help but I’m still jealous of people who get to see their parents even more than me lol.
@jlkuhioe no village here. my mom moved to NC and is pretty checked out. my dad & stepmom live 30 minutes away but are in their own world. SO has some family nearby but they aren’t able to help due to medical issues. our only help is daycare. it’s honestly very tough and isolating. i don’t see us having another kid cuz of this.
katrina2017
New member
katrina2017
New member
connecterz
New member
@jlkuhioe I had a small village prior to my son’s birth and they’ve been awesome about being in his life (three of my best friends). Both of our families live out of state so we only get to see them once or twice a year. My best friend is great about making us do a date night at least once a month while she watches our son. It can still be a little lonely, especially during holidays when our friends are doing things with their respective families, but we are grateful for all the love we do have. This has been a small factor into why we are OAD, but mostly because I would most likely have a high-risk pregnancy if I were to conceive again (son was born at 25 weeks).
@jlkuhioe I prefer it just us three 
we don’t have to deal with unsolicited advice or deal with anyone more than what we want (which is very little tbh as we get drained having to visit/host)
It Didn’t influence our decision as we’re more than happy with our only. He’s everything and more than what we expected!
But we also know our limits and know that mentally,emotionally another child would drain our energy. And we wouldn’t be able to give our 110% to our son.
we don’t have to deal with unsolicited advice or deal with anyone more than what we want (which is very little tbh as we get drained having to visit/host)It Didn’t influence our decision as we’re more than happy with our only. He’s everything and more than what we expected!
But we also know our limits and know that mentally,emotionally another child would drain our energy. And we wouldn’t be able to give our 110% to our son.
8786cypress
New member
@jlkuhioe Oddly enough, until now I hadn't considered the connection between being OAD and lacking a village. I'm still pregnant and expect to be OAD unless I get a wild hair up my butt and want a second kid in my mid-forties (I'm 42 already). My husband and I do not have a village at all and that scares me. He kind of kept to himself when he moved to this town and I moved up right before the pandemic. My parents are elderly (father also has Parkinson's disease) and live on the opposite side of the country. My in-laws are in our state but a six-hour drive away, along with two of my siblings-in-law. The siblings-in-law are nowhere near this life stage, either (we're all a bunch of late bloomers). My brother is across the country and barely keeping a lid on his three kids. I don't even live near coworkers--my job is a 75-minute commute away and I telework the majority of the time.
Whew, that looks like a lot of complaining or lamenting. I'm getting pretty anxious about it all but the bit of hope I have is the plan to eventually move to the same city as the in-laws. Husband and I agreed that this could happen as early as the end of next year or a few years from now, when we need more options for future daughter's education.
Whew, that looks like a lot of complaining or lamenting. I'm getting pretty anxious about it all but the bit of hope I have is the plan to eventually move to the same city as the in-laws. Husband and I agreed that this could happen as early as the end of next year or a few years from now, when we need more options for future daughter's education.
katrina2017
New member
@katrina2017 What’s that?
katrina2017
New member
@katrina2017 Oh I totally understand the intent, my response is a dig at the fact that the modern day family does not have the right support to raise children.
@jlkuhioe I do not have a village, live far from family and have few friends, post-pandemic. My family is absentee, his family is on the judgey side.
It is hard & sometimes I want to move closer to family, but we just bought a house here. So I’m feeling stuck and like I have to rebuild the village.
One makes it possible, two would be too stressful. The ones I know with two have grandparents who visit & help, even if they live far.
It is hard & sometimes I want to move closer to family, but we just bought a house here. So I’m feeling stuck and like I have to rebuild the village.
One makes it possible, two would be too stressful. The ones I know with two have grandparents who visit & help, even if they live far.
@jlkuhioe We don’t do much have a village as a hamlet. And plenty of idiots therein. I love my folks but they’re 2 hrs away. They’re planning to come up once a week to look after kiddo but I don’t know how sustainable that is. In laws are always busy with the other grandchildren. And that’s it. Amazing group of mums locally but we support each other on WhatsApp more than anything. We’re all busy with our own shit so can’t really jump up and look after each other’s sprogs.
I feel awful saying it but I can’t wait until she starts nursery. I’ll have oodles of time even with working (I wfh) and she will have so much stimulation.
I feel awful saying it but I can’t wait until she starts nursery. I’ll have oodles of time even with working (I wfh) and she will have so much stimulation.
@jlkuhioe I have a village I built myself.
But — I don’t know who ever had these magical hyper-involved extends families outside of books. I know two people total who were really close to their grandparents growing up. I don’t know anybody whose parents took vacations without them when they were growing up or who had date nights more regularly than a couple times a year.
But — I don’t know who ever had these magical hyper-involved extends families outside of books. I know two people total who were really close to their grandparents growing up. I don’t know anybody whose parents took vacations without them when they were growing up or who had date nights more regularly than a couple times a year.