@jlkuhioe No. We live seven hours by car from my family and 10 hours by car from j my y husbands family. My friends are almost all single and in our 40s. My husbands friends live all over the country but none are in our city; they’re all in high cost locations like Boston, Seattle, and NYC and San Fran.
Do you have a village?
- Thread starter jlkuhioe
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sherrick0915
New member
@jlkuhioe I certainly do not. It’s myself and my husband.
I don’t speak to my mum as she’s an alcoholic and my husbands mum cares for his dad who has dementia and lives over 700kms away.
They pushed so much on us during our labour classes and appointments that it takes a village, but what about those with no village?!
I don’t speak to my mum as she’s an alcoholic and my husbands mum cares for his dad who has dementia and lives over 700kms away.
They pushed so much on us during our labour classes and appointments that it takes a village, but what about those with no village?!
katrina2017
New member
@jlkuhioe I guess it somewhat depends on one’s definition of village. Genetic relatives? Nope, they are all too physically limited, addicted, or unstable. Ironically one family member even made a huge deal about “don’t ever ask me to babysit” or expect her to raise my baby. Internally, I was like “Shit, Leanne, I wouldn’t trust you to water my plants” Thankfully, none of them live close anyway so I don’t have to pretend to be interested in involving them. My village is two neighbors who can babysit from time to time and a spectacular preschool program. I’m always on the lookout for additional babysitters. The “no village” situation seems to be common in my area because several kid oriented businesses (dance class and gymnastics) offer “date night” drop off programs once a month.
@jlkuhioe We have two close friends. One lives 40 mins away and the other 15 mins away. Son also just started daycare last month at 18 mos. So, daycare and those two friends are our village. My family lives out of state and my husband’s family is nearby but not interested.
I would consider a second if daycare cost half of what it does. We pay $1500/ month for 3 days/ week of care for a toddler. That’s insanity.
I would consider a second if daycare cost half of what it does. We pay $1500/ month for 3 days/ week of care for a toddler. That’s insanity.
katrina2017
New member
@jlkuhioe No. We had friends who were very supportive during pregnancy but when the baby came nothing. Now he was born at the start of covid so that definitely mad it worse of course. Now we've moved out of state because, hey no reason to stay and I'm sure as heck not raising a kid in TX with all the nonsense and a couple from that friend group is pregnant. With TWINS. I can only hope they more support then we did.
Family. It's really just our moms. They both still live in TX. My MIL comes on school breaks when she isn't doing stuff with her, much much younger step kids. And my mom comes when she can...but maybe only 2 or 3 times a year.
We'd travel more but 3 tickets plus boarding 3 pets makes it a lot more expensive for us to go to them. Plus they can't host so we have to pay for a hotel. Vs them buying 1 ticket and staying with us.
We thankfully have one set of friends here who are old co workers of my husband's from years ago and they have an almost 4 year old and are pregnant with a 2nd(yay baby cuddles that I don't have to take home lol) and we are basically like "PLEASE LOVE US" but I think they are in the same boat so we've been able to do stuff most weekends.
But really. It's just me and my husband.
Family. It's really just our moms. They both still live in TX. My MIL comes on school breaks when she isn't doing stuff with her, much much younger step kids. And my mom comes when she can...but maybe only 2 or 3 times a year.
We'd travel more but 3 tickets plus boarding 3 pets makes it a lot more expensive for us to go to them. Plus they can't host so we have to pay for a hotel. Vs them buying 1 ticket and staying with us.
We thankfully have one set of friends here who are old co workers of my husband's from years ago and they have an almost 4 year old and are pregnant with a 2nd(yay baby cuddles that I don't have to take home lol) and we are basically like "PLEASE LOVE US" but I think they are in the same boat so we've been able to do stuff most weekends.
But really. It's just me and my husband.
katrina2017
New member
@jlkuhioe We do! Both my husband's parents and my parents live in the same city as us. His parents are really supportive and will watch our son at any time. My parents are a little different but they are still supportive.
I just love the structure of our three person family. I feel like a better mom and I don't think I would be able to do what I do with multiples.
I just love the structure of our three person family. I feel like a better mom and I don't think I would be able to do what I do with multiples.
huthamcauquan1
New member
@jlkuhioe Not sure how to answer. My SO is a workaholic and is gone most of the day and is gone every day. Every 2-3 weeks we take a weekend to ourselves as a family unit. I’m a sahm, my choice, and my circle of friends is very small. I never ask them to take on my child nor do I need them to. My daughter is very easy for me and my mental health isn’t suffering. SO had many friends but they aren’t mine and I don’t consider them babysitters. My only family is my sister but she lives hours away and I make it a point once a month to see her.
So for my daughter and getting breaks from her, I would say no. For myself, my friends and occasional time with my sister, I would say yes.
So for my daughter and getting breaks from her, I would say no. For myself, my friends and occasional time with my sister, I would say yes.
@jlkuhioe My family lives in another country and SO’s parents are getting on with age. My LO is nearly 3. When he was younger, they used to take him for a day each week, but in the last 6 months he has gotten too tall and heavy for them to pick up and his energy levels are even too much for SO and me sometimes. 
Now we make sure to bring him to their place once every weekend for a few hours, but we dip out for 1-2 hrs max during that and usually SO helps them with something around the house.
LO started nursery full time this week. SO works from home, but lots of calls etc, so it’s definitely easier not to have LO and me wrestling downstairs. I work and study part-time… Not gonna lie, I was miserable when I was at home with him full-time; I felt so lonely and just… like I couldn’t do anything right. And then I felt horrible for not ‘enjoying him’ more. It got lots better once he started going to nursery 2-3 times a week. So maybe that made up for the lack of village.
More of a village might have helped from the get-go, I don’t know.
Edited to add: Just remembered how my family visited for a week (1 hr flight away) when LO was a few weeks old and I thought ‘Thank God, help, maybe SO and I will get some sleep’ and apart from asking me why I looked so tired every 2 hrs and taking LO for a 20 min walk, I had to constantly be there as nobody wanted to change a nappy so I could lie down. Never mind that they all talked about how much they’d help before they came. They didn’t even put their own dishes in the dishwasher. Jesus lol
Now we make sure to bring him to their place once every weekend for a few hours, but we dip out for 1-2 hrs max during that and usually SO helps them with something around the house.LO started nursery full time this week. SO works from home, but lots of calls etc, so it’s definitely easier not to have LO and me wrestling downstairs. I work and study part-time… Not gonna lie, I was miserable when I was at home with him full-time; I felt so lonely and just… like I couldn’t do anything right. And then I felt horrible for not ‘enjoying him’ more. It got lots better once he started going to nursery 2-3 times a week. So maybe that made up for the lack of village.
More of a village might have helped from the get-go, I don’t know.
Edited to add: Just remembered how my family visited for a week (1 hr flight away) when LO was a few weeks old and I thought ‘Thank God, help, maybe SO and I will get some sleep’ and apart from asking me why I looked so tired every 2 hrs and taking LO for a 20 min walk, I had to constantly be there as nobody wanted to change a nappy so I could lie down. Never mind that they all talked about how much they’d help before they came. They didn’t even put their own dishes in the dishwasher. Jesus lol
allisonwells
New member
@jlkuhioe No village here, did 5.5 years solo, then moved in with my spouse, I rarely had even emotional support from my fam to this day. Spouses family is not really close and MIL passed a few years ago. We’ve made it all work, but I don’t really know what life would be like if I allowed my fam too close in to my happy place? I don’t really trust them.
@jlkuhioe We used to live 10 mins from my husbands parents and they did literally nothing to help us during our only’s first year. His sister also lives 10 minutes from them but has two kids and her life is a total shitshow so all their energy and time went to those grandkids.
It was really hard, especially for my husband, to have them prioritize his sister, especially since he was way more involved helping his parents with their farm than his sister ever has been. It was upsetting for him, and the situation got so tense that we ended up moving 2hrs away somewhere that was less far from my family.
Now we are 2 hrs from his folks, 2 hrs from my mom and an hour from my dad and my brother. My mom is the only one who volunteers to take care our now 5 year old, but she has mental health issues and we don’t feel comfortable with her independently caring for our kid.
Luckily we are really close with all our neighbours (most are either elderly or have teenage kids) who would gladly help us in a pinch, but for the most part we are on our own. We decided to be OAD before our kid was born, but not having a village has definitely prevented us from ever reconsidering our initial decision.
It was really hard, especially for my husband, to have them prioritize his sister, especially since he was way more involved helping his parents with their farm than his sister ever has been. It was upsetting for him, and the situation got so tense that we ended up moving 2hrs away somewhere that was less far from my family.
Now we are 2 hrs from his folks, 2 hrs from my mom and an hour from my dad and my brother. My mom is the only one who volunteers to take care our now 5 year old, but she has mental health issues and we don’t feel comfortable with her independently caring for our kid.
Luckily we are really close with all our neighbours (most are either elderly or have teenage kids) who would gladly help us in a pinch, but for the most part we are on our own. We decided to be OAD before our kid was born, but not having a village has definitely prevented us from ever reconsidering our initial decision.
katrina2017
New member
oldsnake223
New member
@jlkuhioe I have a village of grandparents. I’m very very lucky. I also have the first grandchild/first grandchild anyone can interact with.
That said, I had to move back to my hometown for it. The trade off is worth it for my daughter to have strong bonds with her grandparents, but me as an individual cries for my old city weekly. I grew up military and saw my parents struggle with no extended family nearby, it’s really tough and my heart breaks for parents that have no help.
That said, I had to move back to my hometown for it. The trade off is worth it for my daughter to have strong bonds with her grandparents, but me as an individual cries for my old city weekly. I grew up military and saw my parents struggle with no extended family nearby, it’s really tough and my heart breaks for parents that have no help.
reporter94
New member
@jlkuhioe Yes. We have a larger village than most. We still decided to be one and done, because even with a village, absolutely nobody else is there when you’re in potty training hell. A lot of it for me was that my husband works out of town a lot, so I do a lot of solo parenting. Even with family and friends around, it’s hard to manage all of it alone. My hat is always off to all the single parents out there.
@jlkuhioe No village. Single mother with a 4 year old with additional needs. He sees his father on the odd weekend if (nothing from Dec to July!). Other than that it's just me. He's met my family a couple of times (twice for my parents, 4 times for my sister and family, once for my brother). Never been alone with anyone other than me, dad or nursery.
But even if I did have a village I still think I'd be OAD because of money, housing, age and health issues.
But even if I did have a village I still think I'd be OAD because of money, housing, age and health issues.