Do you all accommodate any kids activity/sport you can? Or do you draw a line even if you COULD make it happen?

[dennisbon]

Not much to elaborate on here. Read more if you want. In my situation kids are 6 & 8. They’ve both been doing rec soccer since age of 5 and started doing fall indoor soccer practice 1x/week at 6.

This year dad signed 8 Y/O up for competitive club soccer. 3-4 night commitment for 5-6 months. 2 out of town tournaments and some all weekend local tournaments. Thank god it’s over.

Technically we CAN accommodate such activities. We have the work availability and can squeeze the money out. But it’s not comfortable.

I mean I don’t want to be a jerk or stop them from pursing their passions. But I think it’s a wild commitment for the age of 8. We get home from school at 3 give or take 15 minutes and they go to bed at 8. Our routine before this was they get screen/free time to play with friends until 5/6. I cook dinner and tidy up while they do that. Then after dinner as a family (both home by then) homework, bath, and family time. We mostly reserved weekends for outings, some down time for everybody, and birthday parties. A few hours of shopping/heavy cleaning too. We live 2 minutes from a YMCA, so we’d go swimming as a family 2-5x per week to burn energy during cold months.

I so desperately miss that flexibility. I feel like with frequent practices/games EVERYTHING is thrown out of balance. Cleaning, mealtimes, bedtimes, down time for all of us, family time, outings. Soccer practice and driving to these games means our evening routines are all over the place. I’m used to cooking every night, doing a load of laundry most days, giving the kids free time daily, and getting family/down time every night.

Maybe it’s that we’re not well off? We don’t have a dishwasher, we have a tiny rental that takes a lot of work to keep organized and clean. We’re 20 minutes from most of these fields. Closer homes are way over budget. Convenience luxuries like buying takeout frequently, hiring a cleaner, etc are out of reach.

I just question if I’m a lazy homebody or if this is common to opt out of. In my household growing up kids did rec until at least middle school. But I know other families who has minimum 1 activity per season and were competitive always.

I know they’ll be disappointed if we say no to competition. But on the surface they were so much happier and calmer with rec only.

 

[emilyd]

@dennisbon If your kids are passionate about a certain sport, I can absolutely see the reasoning behind throwing some time and money into it. But not at the expense of the family, you as parents and spouses, and the kids themselves. Developmentally children need unstructured play.

Honestly, I let my kid take the lead regarding what activities she wanted to do. She's 17 and a senior now so I can give y'all a fairly decent retrospective. I've been pretty firm on one or two activities a week until she hit 11th grade and there were multiple clubs she wanted to participate in.

Kiddo absolutely loathed classic team sports, even as a little kid, so I've had her I'm martial arts classes (mixed martial arts usually) on and off since she was three. My kid's real passions have been science and art, and that's what we've focused on. She received art lessons throughout elementary school and junior high and is now a talented graphic, multimedia, and sculpture artist. She also participated in science-based extracurriculars, and worked as an artist/setbuilder/crew member for her junior high school's drama club.

During her senior year she plans to participate in the art club, work in the school's community gardens, and continue working as a crew member with the drama club.

 

[dennisbon]

@emilyd Are you my mom? Because this sounds exactly like my upbringing and interest set I’m not going to lie, a guilty part of me wishes they were nerdier. I’m SO happy and supportive of them talking to me about soccer for hours on end and trying my best to help them practice.

I’d be totally fine with 2 activities each per week. But only if they were one day commitments. Ideally things like Karate, rec soccer, scouts, and school sponsored activities/sports for scheduling convenience. I am losing my mind driving to 4 different locations every week with both kids. Spending entire weekends at tournaments. He IS passionate. But it’s totally coming at the expense of him, his sister, and us parents. Just family life as a whole is catawompus.

 

[noelie]

@emilyd Your daughter sounds like such a cool kid!

 

[emilyd]

@noelie She's an incredible kid and I'm very lucky to have her!

 

[4rtlauderdale]

@dennisbon I don’t think the entire family should be set on fire so that kids can do activities. If it’s not a huge stress, great. If it makes everyone’s life worse, nope!

 

[dennisbon]

@4rtlauderdale Simple and well put! Life has certainly been an inferno. I cannot imagine 2 kids competing at this level. Honestly even with the 1 it gratefully mostly lined up with dad’s winter layoff and we were still losing it.

 

[xuongmaykido]

@dennisbon I feel the same way you do but on the flip side, my parents were also the same way and it got to the point where I just stopped asking and didn’t do anything after jr high. Even though I’d rather not, I plan on embracing whatever my kids are into and letting them do as much of it as possible. My oldest is only 3 and we do soccer and gymnastics one day a week for both and I don’t love it…but she does. I don’t want her thinking she couldn’t done more or been better, 15 yrs from now bc I wasn’t supportive (bc that’s how I feel about my parents).

 

[shoutlifestyle]

@xuongmaykido I grew up the same way. My parents never signed me up for anything, not even summer camps. I stayed home playing video games from morning to night. That was basically my childhood. They were also homebodies. I wish they signed me up for at least a team sport or something.

 

[benftw]

@shoutlifestyle Right but there's a middle ground between video games from dawn to dusk and sports 6 days a week for 6 months.

 

[mormonmartini]

@xuongmaykido Yup same. My sister and frequently talk about how much different things would be if we were encouraged to actively pursue our passions.

It’s good to also keep in mind that although down time now is great a lot of down time as teenagers leads to bored teenagers doing really stupid things.

 

[collegedude]

@xuongmaykido I honestly was forced to do a lot of things that my mom wanted me to do. If I had been asked even as young as 5 or 6 I knew what I wanted to try I would have said dance gymnastics or other girly things. I would've been a much happier kid because I felt listened too and seen for what I wanted. Instead I grew up pretty resentful of the decisions my parents chose for me and I don't talk with them often.

 

[1christian]

@xuongmaykido Same. My parents couldn’t be bothered and I had to make my own way anywhere I wanted to go (and I took a bus to school). Sad childhood. I think this is why I do a bunch of extracurriculars as an adult lol!

 

[kdr95]

@dennisbon My kid's cousins did intense club sports when they were younger, and now that they're both in high school, they both opted out and have no extracurriculars. I was pretty astounded, as to me, much of the point would've been for college admissions/scholarship help, and now they're so burnt out, they don't do anything? Yikes.

That said, my stepson did easy rec soccer, which pretty much dried up in middle school, and his first high school year was a shock to him. He was not used to that level of commitment nor competition. He didn't like it and dropped out and also now has no extracurriculars.

So.... yeah, I dunno. Not everything a kid does should be with an eye to college, but that's still a factor, I think?

For the cousins, I wasn't a fan of how the other kid's life also had to revolve around the competitive one, either. They did a good job of trying to rotate who was the focal point, but at some point both wanted to do things, and the parents were run ragged. One kid eating in the car on the way, one eating during the other kid's thing, homework on bleachers/in cars, and the coordination of two full time jobs for the parents? Yuck. No wonder they got burnt out!

 

[recuerdo]

@kdr95 Agreed I think there is a balance here. I was not pushed towards any athletic activity as a tween/teen, and now wish that I had done some sort of team sport with some level of consistency. I think it would have been good for friendships and also to get a healthy level of activity.

However, I also had cousins who were constantly enrolled in a travel sport from the age of 7. It was to the point that they bought a conversion van and were constantly out of town on weekends, playing in tournaments. The boys all played (at varying ages), and the girl basically had to be dragged around with them for almost her entire childhood. I got the sense that they played through high school out of obligation, but they were so burnt out that they opted out of any offers they had to play in college.

I’m shooting for the middle ground between those two.

 

[kdr95]

@recuerdo I agree with the balance. Especially when they are very young, it seems like a good idea to try out different things at lower levels, see what they like, maybe something will stick, maybe not.

If I had the say for my kid, I would require at least one activity throughout high school. Ideally one sport, one non-sport, but I'd settle for just one Thing.

I think I would feel so crushed to have devoted so much time and energy into something like that, only for my kid to end up hating it to the point of turning down college offers.

 

[crustyfrog]

@kdr95 Agreed with balance. My brother did basketball/football and maybe track and field in high school and enjoyed them all but his senior year of sports got ruined by COVID. He plays rugby as a club sport in college now and loves it, but I think bc his HS sports were mostly of his choosing he’s chosen to stay active.

I personally didn’t do team sports and my parents didn’t really embrace what I wanted to do (I did karate for a while and then horseback riding) my mom was super disappointed I wasn’t more of an athlete and definitely showed it and I’m still salty about it in my mid-thirties.

I plan on embracing what my kids want to do, but after reading essentialism encouraging them to pick one thing to run with when they’re a little older. We do most of our activities through the Y right now

 

[dennisbon]

@kdr95 Oh god, I feel like your niece/nephew’s story gave me a glimpse into my future. No WAY do I want to be doing homework on bleachers, eating in cars more often than not, or (ew) focusing on a non academic scholarship. If they got one I’d be incredibly proud.

But I’d NEVER try and pressure a kid to get a nonacademic scholarship and treat an extracurricular as an “investment”. No.. it’s for enjoyment. And personal development. I wouldn’t want that pressure behind their fun time. Anything more than enjoyment is gravy.

Now grades and test scores, I want to try and keep those as high as possible like anybody. I feel like it’s a lot more black/white with effort to reward getting good marks. If you study enough and ask for help where you need it, I think that’s a much more clear cut route to scholarships. And it’s in line with the actual goal- getting the most out of education.

I totally get what you mean with your kid being outcompeted by middle school. I’m hoping to find a balance by finding some supplemental soccer training camps between rec. At 10-11 I’d reconsider enrolling in comp. By then we’ll hopefully have far more money and flexibility. And he’ll hopefully be far more independent and capable of balancing on his own.

 

[katrina2017]

@dennisbon Just curious. As someone who got an athletic scholarship, what’s so ew about it?

 

[dennisbon]

@katrina2017 That’s amazing! I’m not anti- athletic scholarship. I’d be super proud.

What I don’t like is parents pushing/forcing sports with the main agenda of a sports scholarship. I’ve known people who have been just miserable with these dynamics. I think extracurriculars should be fun and personal passions. Kids grow and change. Priorities change. Things come up. School gets harder.