Difficult 17 year old

graciegirl

New member
My 17 year old has literally going to drive me insane. He has been hanging around some kids from school I can’t stand. School had always been awful. He literally hasn’t passed a math class since 5th grade. He has done summer school and been able to make up the credits with extra help from us and a tutor. Last semester he flunked 3/almost 4 classes. He only passed history because I emailed all the teachers to try and get a plan in place for this semester. The history teacher was the only one who emailed back and said if he turned in an assignment he would pass. My son said he did but he didn’t. I found it in his computer and submitted it so he would at least pass that class. He is in credit recovery with the football coach doing 2 classes and will have to do 2 more online and 1 this summer to be caught up for senior year and that’s if he fails nothing else. I swear he did it on purpose this last semester. He said he hates school and is moving out as soon as he is 18. He will turn 18 in August and won’t graduate til next May.
The kids he is hanging around with he does play football with but one of them didn’t even suit up for a game because of grades. Over the summer I did catch him vaping and he admitted the kid from the team is selling them because his cousin owns a shop. I did make him take a drug test then and nothing showed up but have keep finding them and when I do I throw them away.
He does work but doesn’t make much money. He had quite a bit saved until football started last year and then couldn’t work much. But part of the problem is he buys other people food, drives everyone around wasting his gas. I also see on his bank account him sending people money on PayPal and cash app but he said he didn’t do it.
We have life 360 on his phone but he gets mad at me and turns it off or pauses it. I did put an AirTag in his car because I don’t trust him. He paid for most of his truck but I paid for the rest and pay the insurance. His “friends” have trashed the inside and h has let them. One wrote on the dashboard and back seat with sharpie and have broke stuff inside. I tell him nobody is allowed in it but that gets ignored. He has 2 really good friends he still sees at school and plays video games with but they hate these other friends.
If I let him do anything and tell him what time to be home he will ask to stay longer and I say no he says I said please and will do it anyway. I have taken the keys away but if I don’t let him drive to school he refuses to go and I can’t drag him there. The last time I took his keys and took his brother somewhere he broke our glass screen door.
We did do a therapy appointment that he refused to drive to with me and drove himself. I had to wait outside because the waiting room was getting remolded and I ran to the gas station for 10 minutes and came back and he was in his truck. He said the guy said he didn’t have to stay if he didn’t want to talk. His dr wants to test him for add to see if that’s part of the school problem which he agreed to but now he refuses to do the paperwork.
I am at my wits end trying to figure out what to do. I turn off his internet so he can’t play games. Put screen time on his phone while he is at school but then I have to block his number because I am trying to work and he will text me over and over.
H has only seen his biological dad 2 times in the last 2 years. He had an awesome step dad and he tried to help but he doesn’t know what to do either. My son tells me I am crazy, I am the one that needs therapy. He can scream but if I raise my voice he tells me to stop yelling. He tells me to hit him so he can call the cops.
I tell l him I can’t handle the constant lying and attitude. I have even asked the teachers why they don’t do detention for ditching class anymore. It seems like a lot of the time the teachers only care about the smart kids that are going to go to college. I want him to graduate. I know vaping can cause changes in teens but I am not convinced it’s drugs. He tells me he is moving out when he is 18 and going no contact with me, I know that is coming from his friends. My kids are really spaced apart, he has. 36 year old sister and a 28 year old brother who is disabled. Even his sister tells him you can’t lie to mom, she knows everything.
Sorry this is so long, thank you if you made it through. Just need some advice.
 
@graciegirl He might have ADHD but there's definitely more going on here. ADHD doesn't make you willfully defiant. He's intentionally acting out for some reason, but if he's refusing to go to counseling and has completely shut you out, there's not much you can do to find out why. Who owns the phone and pays the bill? I'd honestly take away any data privileges and only let him have text/call capabilities and lock it up as soon as he gets home. And take the keys to that truck. It may be "his" but technically, since he's not 18 yet, anything that's his is still under your control. No video games, no football, no hanging out with friends until his grades improve. If he takes off, call him in as a runaway, even if you know where he is. If he refuses to go to school, call the truancy officer and make him go. I'd be pulling out all the stops and make him realize how much he's losing by not following the rules. If he doesn't learn now, he's gonna get a nasty wake up call as soon as he turns 18 and tries these "I don't wanna" games in the real world.
 
@graciegirl My son became a living nightmare for us. He is an only child and we struggled having him. We were so grateful to finally have a child, we were easy prey when he became a teenager. We always tried to fix everything for him. Even at school. The teachers always liked him so he never had any real consequences for his actions. Well once he turned 17, things took a horrible turn. He got caught buying pot and was kicked out of trade school college courses. He loved going to that. I thought ok now he's going to pull his head out of his butt, but no, he got more defiant.

I finally had enough. We took his keys, phone and his paychecks. He turns 18 in May and graduates. I told him June 1st you are out of this house. If you can't follow the rules now, you sure as hell aren't going to live here as an adult. I stopped doing his laundry and making dinner. Telling him that in a few short months he's going to be doing this on his own so he needs to get used to it. I put his checks in a savings account so he'll have it for rent.

I have stayed firm. And the kid is scared crapless. He knows he's no where near ready to live on his own. For the last few weeks his attitude has been amazing. He's been doing his school work without being hounded.

I told him if he can follow our rules, he can stay after he graduates. But we were no longer his door mat and if he wants to stay here. He's going to have to earn it.

I wish I had done it earlier. But man it was hard. I love him so much and want him to be successful in full in life. But I finally realized I couldn't want it more than him.
 
@bermellones123 You are an excellent parent. Truly.

The world needs more parents like you.

Your son is learning tough lessons now, and he will benefit from this experience for the rest of his life.

Signed, another mom of a 17 year old.
 
@graciegirl I can relate to a lot of what you are going through with the car and bad friends. My son has been take me advantage of with the car and it ended up with him feeling pressured into letting people drive his car and of course, they crashed it. His consequence was to pay for it (I didn't put it through insurance because rates are already insane). He learned his lesson with that. Yet, there were still multiple things happening with so called "friends". Stealing from him (through cash app), ruining his property.

Actually we had a major dust up a few weeks ago because he had the people in his car that I forbade from being in his car due to several issues that have happened. His punishment was not having his car for a couple of weeks. I parked it in the garage and kept his keys on me. If I had to, I'd get a safe deposit box and put his keys there or rent a storage space for his car.

My son is neurodivergent and I definitely think it's part of the problem. He is saying how bored he is so he was willing to hang out with these friends to have something to do. I also think he was overly trusting and didn't realize people could be so shitty because he wouldn't have done the things to them that they did to him.

I've been trying to get my son into counseling while he was willing to do it. I phrased it to him as someone helping him set boundaries, giving him coping skills/tools on how to alleviate stressors. He was open to it but the facility we went to for the assessment 3 months ago and finally assigned us to a counselor in training who is not in network so I'm completely back to the drawing board with that because they won't return my calls to put us in network which is so frustrating.

I'm not condoning not punishing your son when he disobeys you. If he breaks your property, he should pay, if his friends are ruining his car, then he should pay to get it repaired/cleaned. I feel like deep down he has to know he is being taken advantage of. My son realized it after months but his consequences cost him thousands of dollars and losing his privileges. I hope these consequences have made him realize he needs to choose his friends more carefully.

If you can spend some time with him in a way where it isn't an argument to find out what is going through his head, that may really help. That's what ended up happening with my son. I would take him for a treat and a car ride and for whatever reason, that made him more open to just having one on one time and talking. He explained his thought process and more I didn't know with his friend group and how he got caught up with these newer kids. We talked about it and how things slid downhill fast. I had never had much trouble with him in the past and he never really got in trouble at school but I really feel like the freedom of driving and having a car attracted a lot of new people who were using him. I'm definitely not out of the woods with him and still hope to get counseling soon. I hope things get better for you.
 
@graciegirl Unfortunately, he's at an age now (when does he turn 18?) where he's going to start facing permanent repercussions for his poor life choices. You running interference for him (begging the teachers to help him pass a class, turning in assignments for him) is not helping the situation at all. What are his plans after graduation? Has he applied to colleges or trade schools? Does he have plans to work? If he's not going to graduate on time, can he enroll in a GED program and get his diploma that way?

He's not thirteen, he's almost a legal adult, and some of his shenanigans are going to permanently affect his life, and he needs to face that fact.
 
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