Depressed Teenager Abroad

[prayingp]

Hello, I’m currently navigating some difficult topics with my 19m teenager.

He is currently studying abroad and called me in absolute distress to confess he had “Grey bugs in his bush” his words not mine. After taking down his symptoms it wasn’t difficult for me hypothesize that he had crabs. (Confirmed this with my friend that’s a doctor, he will be getting tested on Thursday for other STDs to ensure nothing else is going on).

I’m deeply disappointed in my teenager, he knows about safe sex, we discussed prep due to his sexuality and I paid the 600 dollar fee for testing and the necessary medications.

He is completely distraught, panicking and crying and feeling sorry for himself. He mentioned that he’s depressed because he’s poor. He’s also depressed because he lost his full ride due to his GPA dropping below a 3.3 (it’s a 3.2 so not totally terrible). Lastly, he’s depressed because of issues with other family members.

Listening to him cry about these issues is frustrating considering he left without ensuring his scholarship situation was resolved and second because despite being exceptionally bright he’s been extremely unsafe and hypersexual. Most importantly he’s studying abroad and living a dream most people never get to! Granted he did that with scholarships and money he saved up while working his freshmen year of college. He just can’t stop comparing himself to other students and their large budgets.

I’m frustrated with him because I’ve given him the leniency he wanted because he thought he was an adult and should be treated like one.

When he was on the phone with me for the last SIX hours I was not coddling him or allowing him to pity himself. It was important that we get a plan of action in place which is what we did.

He has an appointment with a psychiatrist today because we had already discussed his self destructive behaviors. Due to him destroying a friendship with the only person that he had made friends with due to the friend not reciprocating his romantic feelings.

My question and need for advice is, what else can I do? He also confessed not doing well in his classes up there despite not working.

Should I bring him home? Should I pull him from the top tier university he’s currently at here at home and make him go to community college?

Should I micromanage him from a world away? I just don’t know what to do to ensure the self-destructive behaviors don’t continue.

 

[fasonreeman]

@prayingp If he doesn't want to be there and he's depressed then it's in his best interest to go home. Hopefully you understand that condoms don't prevent crabs right? Tell him to go in the bathroom and shave his pubic area completely.

 

[prayingp]

@fasonreeman Hi! Fully aware that pubic lice are not preventable with Condoms. It was late and I was not clear but he confessed to not using protection and having multiple partners in just one month and not practicing safe sex. Hence the need to ensure nothing else is going on and getting tested this week for STDs.

I’m honestly not here to judge my kid on his sexual activity. What I will not condone is not practicing safe sex and hyper sexual tendencies to bury other emotional or mental distresses.

He has not confirmed what he wants, he is still trying to calm down. I’m giving him grace and space to breathe and checking in periodically to ensure he’s still okay.

Love him to pieces and I’m heartbroken he’s going through this. He knows that no matter what he can always come home.

That instinct to keep him safe under my roof is a strong one to overcome for myself personally.

 

[katrina2017]

@prayingp He is still a kid. Worked hard and burnt out. Needs psychologist which you can arrange for online so he does not have to make sudden moves. Wonderful psychologists in Europe

 

[jocurizuma]

@prayingp Crabs is probably best case scenario here, and it’s great that he’s talking to you.

 

[michaelo]

@prayingp I would do exactly what you did and not bring him home.

A couple of things — you are the safest person, so he will unload everything on you at a time of crisis, which in one 6 hour session may sound worse than it is. He’s still a teen with intense vacillating emotions, you listened, helped him develop a plan, and will be there should he call again. You did not judge, you listened, you supported him. He may already be in a much better place emotionally.

As far as unsafe sex practices, it is difficult to prevent the transmission of pubic lice, unless you are hairless, which can shaving bring about other unpleasant risks. As condoms, do not protect — lice (or scabies) are crafty little devils that just want any type of close contact to hop on across, lol. But I am guessing if he is going in for prep, he or partner did not even use a condom, he’s not first teen or person that did this and he will not be the last. I would not say anything about being disappointed, but listen to him, and if there are openings, reinforce his own beliefs about taking care of himself and making safer choices with sexual partners.

For me, I would try to give him several more months to overcome this crisis.

 

[prayingp]

@michaelo Hi I’m referring to him actually not being safe and not using protection while having multiple partners in one month. That’s quite frankly much bigger than the pubic lice.

He’s honestly a great kid, he works so hard to accomplish his dreams and we try our best to help where we can.

Thank you for your advice in giving him more time. It’s a concern of mine that I give him too much space to make his own mistakes. Definitely wanted someone’s non bias opinion on our parenting approach for our still teenager desperate to grow up.

 

[michaelo]

@prayingp The first thing that pops into my mind:

I have worked in healthcare and I have treated a lot of STDs, so i admit I am biased. But I have seen lots of teens living at home get them. I have seen lots living on a campus in the states get them. So it’s hard to know for sure, and although, sure this behavior could be a result of coping poorly being overseas away from parental influences, the odds are, it really is just more a stumbling block of growing up, and the same could happen at home closer to you. Idk, it’s hard to know.

 

[junipham]

@prayingp Crabs is not a big deal, very treatable. Decent lesson. Hang in there with him in this rough patch, over seas can be difficult adjustment

 

[ajhnh]

@prayingp I lived abroad myself as a student. It is hard work - I didnt even speak the language! It is hard to make friends as social groups were already in place. What I found helped was trying to get a couple of different groups of friends or things I was doing. When you literally have no mates you seem so boring and needy! So I got a couple of different jobs alongside my studies - then when someone said what did you do last week I could give a few different things that I’d done! Worked a treat. A few clubs/ hobbies that you can just turn up to and there’s a ready made community also good. I didn’t ever tell my parents how sad I was - to be honest I couldn’t afford the phone call! Just need to knuckle down and crack on. He’ll have felt better speaking to you and reassured but it isn’t easy.

 

[katrina2017]

@prayingp “Grey bugs in my bush” can we just appreciate moody teenagers here. Hilarious. Still a kid.

 

[quest20]

@prayingp If he can find a therapist or counsellor near him, that’s good. Otherwise maybe an online counselling program. Don’t bring him home—this is part of his journey.