Deep breath and here we go

[carlosbroch]

Ok, my son is 17 and an 11th grader. Always has been smart and is taking 3 AP classes this year.

The problems that I have been having with him are more to do with getting his assignments in on time and actually DOING the assignments. He appears to procrastinate.

So, buckle up because there is a lot more to this story.

Last week was end of quarter. I had a lot conversation with him over the summer regarding getting assignments in on time as they relate to his activities and mainly, marching band and winter indoor drumline.

Last Tuesday, I looked at his grades for the first time since early September, and he had an F in his AP English composition class because he had 9 missing assignments. End of term was on Friday. I told him he could not do his activities in the evenings because of the missing assignments, plus, he could not sign up for winter indoor drumline.

He was absolutely pissed off at me and was slamming kitchen draws and cabinets and even broke my kitchen drawer.

But, he got the work done and ended up with an A in the class for the quarter.

On Saturday he had his marching band championship and he does get a lot of joy out of it. Once we got home from that very long day, he resolved to do better with his assignments and we talked a lot about that and I was swayed and I want him sign up for winter indoor drumline because it’s his thing, however…what followed.. it’s terrible.

He was off on Monday and Tuesday. He has a paper due on Monday. When I received the notification that he got an F for the paper I went directly to him Tuesday morning and asked him about it. He claims that the program they submit their assignments through was not allowing him to sign in “on Monday.” He never emailed the teacher on Monday to tell the teacher he was having problems. He emailed the teacher at 9:15 Tuesday morning and the teacher told him to submit it immediately, which my son did not. Because he hadn’t even written it yet. Although he claimed he’d written it, I told him to turn the computer around so I could see the screen and, of course, he closed something out before turning the computer around. I told him he was lying to me, he denied it. He did not complete the assignment nor turn the assignment in on the due date, therefore, I told him he could not sign up for winter indoor drumline.

Fast forward to today. He submitted the paper on Tuesday at 2:30 pm and was given an A-.
Then, today, at 3:30 the grade was changed to and F with a note that the paper was written with AI assistance so in accordance with the school plagiarism policy, he received an F.

My son claimed he did not use AI.

I do not believe this because this is the second time during his time in HS that a paper he wrote was flagged for plagiarism. Last year, there was an AP computer programming exam he received zero points for because it was flagged for plagiarism.

I am triggered by his lying because his father carried on a 6 year affair and lied to me our entire marriage and now, I am really disappointed in his behavior. I’m really at odd about what to do.

Any good advice?

Obviously, he will not be signing up for winter drumline because it’s a big time commitment, like marching band, and if he cannot keep up with his assignments because he is too busy, then he’s not doing it.

 

[samuel93]

@carlosbroch I think you have a lot of good suggestions here. One thing I didn’t see - my son was having a lot of trouble with procrastination and not turning things in on time. It really became apparent last year as a junior. In the spring, he asked to be tested for ADHD so in the summer we did this - and he definitely has it. Just something to consider as there may be a reason he is having trouble consistently doing his work.

 

[soberarthur]

@carlosbroch It sounds like he has more of a structure than a time problem. He needs a tutor to help him keep on track or you to check in with him about what is assigned and to remind him to turn things in. I would let him do the drum line. It’s important he remain engaged in as many things and as much structure as possible. In terms of being triggered by the lying, do you have a therapist? Teenagers lie all the time. They see what they can get away with. He is not your husband and he’s not having an affair. He’s smart and looking at how to make school easier. Sounds like you have a bright kid!

 

[varden]

@soberarthur I second this, OP.
I would get him a tutor to help him keep on top of assignments so he can keep doing what he loves. Take that away and what incentive does he have? What does he have left in his life to enjoy?
With a tutor it will be an impartial outsider helping him, instead of his worried, stressed mother nagging him. That’ll take stress off of both of you.

I know part of you is freaking out that he’ll turn out just like his father despite your best efforts, but that’s your wounds talking. Hang in there; you’re doing your best.

 

[carlosbroch]

@varden Thank you for your advice!

 

[carlosbroch]

@soberarthur Thank you both! Yes, I’m in therapy, but it’s pretty recent. I agree you’re right about drumline, however, he has many more activities he is in: scouts, jazz classes, camping once a month, working on his Eagle Scout project, plus after school jazz band rehearsals. He has his own jazz ensemble that he books gigs for…so, drumline is his biggest time suck.

 

[moshil]

@carlosbroch He sounds totally overscheduled given his class workload.

 

[joseph92]

@moshil Agreed. If OP can find something he would actually like to drop I would encourage it. Smart kids experience burn out and it sounds like he's fighting it and losing.

 

[carlosbroch]

@joseph92 Yeah, I think you’re right! I appreciate your input!

 

[carlosbroch]

@moshil Yes, he is, but, the ensemble is way more fluid and he cannot take anymore than 2 gigs between now and Christmas. He is 17 and I do need to let go of some of this, I don’t want to make decisions on my own. And, truth be told, the big time commitment really is marching band and drumline. They are very ridged commitments without any wiggle room.

 

[soberarthur]

@carlosbroch Let him make the decision. But if he wants to do it definitely let him. Again it doesn’t sound like he has a time problem. He just needs help staying on top of his assignments

 

[christiananon]

@carlosbroch I would take the opposite approach and release his decisions and actions into his own control. He is 17 years old and almost an adult. This is your very last opportunity to let him practice screwing up and trying to fix his own problems while the consequences are still pretty minor.

Sit him down and say that it’s his life now, his choices, his freedom, and his responsibility. You will no longer control him, he is now to control himself. He gets to choose if he does his homework, if he does drum line, if he does whatever.

However, you also now treat him like an adult. You don’t have to drive him to anything or pay for anything other than food and a roof over his head.

Give him adult advice, like you would an adult. Tell him that the consequences of his decisions will be on him, no one else. If he can’t hold a job as an adult, he will be the one that suffers, not you. He won’t be able to afford to eat more than rice and beans maybe, but you’ll be fine. So he needs to think about what he wants from his own life and what he thinks he needs to do to get there.

And step back and give him the freedom to fail. And be there for him, so when he asks for help to pick himself back up, you will be there to teach him how to do it. But not do it for him, never do it for him.

Making the decision of what activities he needs to drop in order to spend more time on what class - to a 17 year old that’s the same as doing his homework for him. You are doing his “life learning” homework for him. Just stop doing it. Make him figure it out. Does drum line require dues? Buying drumsticks? A ride home? Too bad, you’re going to have to figure that stuff out yourself son. Maybe I’d feel like doing you a favor if you had good grades shrug. Feel free to give me an offer, and we’ll negotiate.

 

[jimmccallister]

@christiananon I agree with this. The whole time I was reading the OP POST I was thinking when he is in uni or college you aren’t going to manage it for him and he is old enough to be able to do this. We have our son who is same age IN UNIVERSITY taking engineering. He has to manage it.

They are capable of it! Step back and let him make mistakes or flourish. If he needs the help with scheduling and tips and tricks get a tutor or coach to help manage his time. But he needs to know how to cope.

 

[carlosbroch]

@christiananon Great advice! Thank you!

 

[thoriso]

@christiananon Ohhh, I like this response! What a great approach.

 

[vonhelton]

@christiananon I just made a post about my teen and boy did I need to read this!!

 

[ohageman5]

@carlosbroch I think the 2 of you should sit down and proactively plan out a solution for this rather than reacting when he gets bad grades. The proactive plan includes dedicated homework only time every single day after school (can be different times on different days) and at least one weekend day for a few hours. He follows the schedule and you set alarms on your phone to check in with him regarding doing his work then. You should also dedicate a time weekly where you will check his assignments for each class - either through a parent portal or via email with teachers. Failure to complete assignments and plagiarism have consequences that he knows of in advance. Those consequences include both finishing the assignments and loss of an activity (your choice on which ones, it just needs to be made clear in advance). Personally, I think the plagiarism should have more severe consequences than just missing assignments. The back and forth with getting what he wants and then losing it again isn't helpful. When he throws a fit, remember it's not about you. He made his choices knowing the consequences in advance.

 

[carlosbroch]

@ohageman5 I agree, what you have described is what I was doing since middle school. In an effort to try and take the training wheels off, I let him go for the first semester.

And, he was mad at me, but, he knows the choices he made led him to this result.

Thank you for your input.

 

[pastmoon]

@carlosbroch FWIW I have a teenager who did this constantly in high school and I always “saved him” nagging him constantly and taking things away until his grades were up. He graduated with honors.

He’s now a freshman in college and failing at every single class.

It’s hard but I’m ‘letting’ him fail and not nagging.

 

[michaelo]

@carlosbroch I echo others.

Have him evaluated for ADHD, even if he does not have it — read “smart but scattered Teens” and do those exercises with him, as it addresses challenges in executive functioning, which whether your sons are bad enough or not for a formal diagnosis, he definitely us exhibiting.

And as awful as it feels, I would let him fail AP English or any other classes he cannot navigate with minimal assistance.

As far as the lying, I would have the cliche discussion that although it may feel like lying or cheating (dishonesty in genera) solves his problems, but long-term, it really makes one appears untrustworthy. It erodes relationships. It can lead to expulsion at college. Continue conversations about how he would feel if one of his friends lied to him? Or if you lied to him? And ask how the cheating worked out for him this time? OR ask him why he thinks his teacher thought he cheated? I also always remind them, that there is no assignment or grade they could get that would make me not love or support, and if he fails honestly, it’s OK, he can find another way. However if he cheats and is deemed as violating the rules, far more doors will close, and there may not always be another way.

Good luck, it’s hard!

Also, I know some may disagree, but I try hard to avoid taking away their activities that they love. I would rather they fail and correct course, and still have their hobby, than make school this unbearable grind. He could also take regular classes, to ease his workload as well. As long as he is not wanting IVY league, he can find a reasonable priced college if he wishes, and make it work, even without AP classes.