Decision taking over my life

[chopper1690]

I hope this is okay to post I just don’t know where else to go with it and I think everyone around me is probably sick of hearing it. I have a fantastic little girl she is three and she is the centre of my universe I couldn’t be prouder she is a clever happy little thing and her playschool she attends just love her she is sociable and kind and basically I think the world revolves around her ! Lots of cousins a little boy born the day before her and a girl just a little younger and lots of others too. I always thought that if I had another i would start trying in a year or just under, so plenty of time to make a decision. I am pretty sure I am one and done and my partner is entirely supportive either way which almost makes it harder that he doesn’t have a specific preference, I almost don’t believe him that he doesn’t mind but I think that’s my own paranoia and am taking his word.

My issue is I love the ‘idea’ of two kids, the precious moments and the giving my little girl a sibling two kids down the line for holidays and Christmas etc. However the reality, pregnancy, sleep deprivation, nursery fees or taking time from work and financially suffering for it, the lack of time with my little girl and not being able to give her everything as I do now.

We are able to spontaneously treat her, we are both into horses I am looking to buy us one in a year or so if I do stay OAD, and not to sob but I haven’t had the easiest life and I am excited to be a bit selfish to have my time back and also time back with my partner. I am overwhelmed quite easily and tend to keep score of how much I’m doing versus my partner which is unhealthy but we’re out of that now, so I guess I don’t want to go back there, ultimately a lot of the responsibility of every day things and entertaining my child falls onto me he is a great dad in every other sense and does a lot of other things for us that I don’t, but I know if we have another that mental load is on me and I did resent him at some points. As much as I know my little girl would love a sibling we are so so close and do everything together and I can give her every fibre of me at the moment, I actually think it would be far worse for her and many opportunities would no longer be available to her, not that she would probably realise that.

Sorry for the long rant it’s just consuming my mind I tend to be anxious so even though I don’t need to make a decision right now I feel like I need to, and I feel like I am OAD but have this weird guilt and feeling that maybe it’s wrong and I’m clinging onto maybe having a second wouldn’t be bad and it might work out and I’ll have this lovely ‘ideal’ family and wonder what I was worrying about l, but I know I’m reality that’s not likely and although I’d make it work myself and my daughter would lose out on our relationship, opportunities and time.

I guess I just want to know how to move past it and allow myself to start living my life with the things and the time that I want, and if I am right in thinking a second wouldn’t be this idyllic image I keep thinking it might be and reinforcement of the positives of being OAD

 

[billybob67]

@chopper1690 Defer your decision another year and live life. I was you about 4 years ago. My husband even had a vasectomy as he thought he did not want another. My daughter got older. And I got older. Our financial situation changed. My daughter asked about a sibling a lot, and my desire got stronger. My husband hated the baby phase, and I know how hard it was. However, it really got to me. We ended up doing IVF, and I had my second a few months ago. My experience this time wasn't the same. For us, this was the right decision.

The point of my comment is to say you don't have to decide now. You can say you're OAD "for now" and reasses. We made a permanent decision, and that cost us more money to be able to have our second. But I can't imagine life any other way.

 

[ksmit95]

@billybob67 Yes, this. Maybe if you have another you’d appreciate a larger age gap. We had twins and with the stress and already being stretched thin I couldn’t have fathomed another kid when they were 3. Now we just had a 3rd and our twins are almost 6. They’re in kindergarten, they have actual friends and defined interests and can be entertained without my constant input for longer lengths of time, and they are potty independent. I have way way more time for a newborn than I did 3 years ago. One of them is even kinda helpful with the baby!

I say let the thought simmer another year or so.

 

[srracing]

@chopper1690 I have a 3.5-year-old and for a long time I considered being OAD for the reasons you mentioned. If we had lots of cousins nearby I think it's likely I wouldn't have tried for a second, but we have no family in this state and decided to try and now we will have a little over a 4-year age gap. I'm terrified of starting over and more so of not being able to give my daughter as much of me, but I ultimately felt like I wasn't done. For me, it wasn't about giving her a sibling - my sister traumatized me as kids so I don't think of siblings as gifts. It was more about thinking about my family down the line and what I wanted it to look like.

I think having one is so beautiful and such a valid choice. It sounds (to me, a stranger) like it's the right choice for you and your feeling of wanting another is coming from external influences.

 

[toomanythoughts]

@chopper1690 I hear you. What I would ask you:

Do you have the desire to meet another unique, incredible person, be their world, see them grow, discover their personality?

If not, that's okay. Don't feel guilty. I think every child deserves to be truly wanted, so if you don't feel like that, then it's a very responsible decision not to have another one.

 

[bobharms]

@toomanythoughts To offer another perspective: I do have that desire personally - but I don’t have the resources. I would love to be able to meet another combo of my husband and me, but it would be at the cost of my sanity. I know my limitations so I’m OAD.

Not everyone who decides against having another lacks that desire

 

[toomanythoughts]

@bobharms Oh yeah, definitely agree. This question is just the starting point, the 'necessary' but not 'sufficient' condition so to speak. But OP was talking about feeling guilty that they were 'probably OAD' so that's why I phrased it like that

 

[blackbird72]

@toomanythoughts I love this question! I'm literally in the same boat as OP . I could have written this post. And your question adds a clarifying perspective! Thank you

 

[epalmer]

@chopper1690 I found it helpful to pretend to have made the decision in my mind. Pick a period of time - a week, a month, a day, an hour if that's all you can manage - and hold one choice in your mind, as if you've already made a decision. Just let your mind rest there for a period of time (the longer the period the better). The constant back and forth is exhausting and unsustainable. For me it also helped to set a deadline for how long I would take to make a final choice. I did this flip flopping during the months leading up to the deadline and it clarified things for me in that time.

 

[laidyjenn]

@chopper1690 I would highly recommend therapy to work through your feelings. Don’t let guilt be the reason to determine why you have another child. Work through that first. Just reading your post it sounds that you do have the perfect family and you seem really happy. It is ok to be one and done. Two do not mean a “perfect family”. Just reading what you wrote - you list mostly reasons one child is better for you - so I’m just reflecting it back to you that you seem to be happy with one and two doesn’t seem to be the right decision. Of course you can always change your mind. I actually keep a list of pros and cons - and when I look at my list I realize that I probably won’t be happy if I add another child but I’m also trying to work through in therapy why I feel lingering “longing”. Best of luck to you.

 

[chopper1690]

@laidyjenn Thank you that’s really helpful I’m going to make my own list !

 

[chasehotelrockville]

@chopper1690 Check out r/oneanddone there’s no guarantees your siblings will get on and you’ll have a perfect ideal family life. They might hate playing together. I know plenty of people with 2 children that constantly fight, or have additional needs and it’s incredibly stressful for them. You need to choose to have another child because you 10000% want to have another baby and everything else that goes into having another child. Not just to give your child a sibling or for an imaginary future.

 

[christinak]

@chopper1690 In response to some of your fears (from my perspective as a mother of two):
- maybe stop thinking about it for a while, set a day to start thinking about it again
- 2 is more work, but you got through the hard phase once and you can again. I found it definitely busier with 2 for the first couple years. Now my two play together and I think I actually have more free time with my partner as a result. ( I'm marvelling at how that keeping score over who does what is done and feels like a distant memory)
- all of you all the time for your little girl isn't necessarily the model for life she needs. When you have a second, she will start to receive love and attention from the sibling to compensate for less from you. Seeing these moments between mine makes my heart burst. Yesterday my eldest yelled from his sibling's room " we are having so much fun in here," and then my husband and I were both so touched we had a long and sweet hug.

All of your reasons to not have a second are very valid, these are just my "devil's advocate," thoughts as I read your post. I'm also struggling similarly with whether to have a third so maybe I'm a hypocrite

 

[williamjwilson]

@chopper1690 You can make a decision now based on how you feel in this moment, knowing you can always change your mind later. I made the decision to be OAD until my daughter was almost 4, was pretty sure I wouldn’t change my mind, but then I did. The desire to have another overcame my happiness with one so we went for it. For me, saying I could decide later didn’t make me feel better, but choosing to make the decision in the moment, allowing myself the option to change that decision in future if needed, helped me relax. I totally understand the feeling of the decision taking over your life.

 

[herkamer63]

@chopper1690 What stuck with me was a comment along the lines of "Until you are both 100% confident that you would be devastated if you did not pursue guiding a new person from birth into adulthood, do not have another."

Everybody has their own perspective, but I've now grown to see that as the most sensible starting point.

 

[paulv81]

@chopper1690 I don’t have much advice because I’m in the same boat. I have horses too and sitting out for the past few years has been brutal so it is definitely a major factor in my decision making right now. I think deferring is great idea and one I’ll probably do too. Hang in there, whatever decision you make is the right one, know that.

 

[chopper1690]

@paulv81 Thank you, unless you have horses you don’t truly understand the impact that has on your decision, I’m young enough I would still have time to buy a horse again in the future but I wonder how realistic that would be with two kids and everything that goes with it

 

[paulv81]

@chopper1690 Nope! You don’t. That’s why I chirped in. Horses are like having a kid who never grows up, but they are so amazing and fun, it’s all worth it. I’ve basically reduced my situation down to IF I have another kid, I’d have to sell my horses and hang it up until the kids grow up. And I don’t know if want to do that. (I don’t, but that feels selfish.) I also have secondary infertility which has a larger say in whether I have any more kids, but the horses are influencing my willingness to keep trying.

Good luck to you. Someone told me the horses will always be there, and they will. Again, there’s no wrong choice.

 

[elly1]

@chopper1690 What you decide, you will get through it, because you'll have to-youll be living it. Things would be different with a second but that doesn't necessarily mean it'll be negative. Siblings will fight and play, there's no avoiding that. You can try your best to encourage a healthy relationship between them and hope it carries on as they age. We can't predict what will happen, they'll get along or they won't or somewhere in between.

Do what feels best for your family. You don't need anyone to tell you it's okay to just have one child--it IS okay. If you want to take steps for another, that'll end up okay too, but it is normal to worry about it. Love will grow and make room for new additions. Sounds like you have time to decide, take that time.

 

[elvisrene10]

@chopper1690 Horse, time and attention: those caught my eye. You seem clear you want to be OAD I think. It might help to compare the reality of OAD to the reality of 2, not the dream of it.