Consequences for lying, advice please

[natalie1rodri]

How do I encourage my teen to not lie to me? I have a 14 year old boy. Overall he is a really great kid. He does well in school, he plays sports and he generally gets his chores done ( with reminders). However, he consistently lies about his Xbox/tv and sneaks on it. He has a TV in his room and an Xbox in there. Well, I don't love the fact that he has a TV in his room, we don't have a whole lot of space so with it in his room it gives him the freedom to play while not in other people's space, when he's allowed. We (usually) don't allow any game time during the week because he has school, chores and basketball. We keep his controllers and remotes in our room overnight to minimize any temptation to get on. On weekends, as long as he has his stuff completed he gets to play the game. He had an old Xbox controller that, last weekend, he told me he threw away. I opted to trust him, then this morning I woke up and he was still asleep, TV on, old controller sitting right next to him. We talk often about honesty and why it's important. We talk about consequences, I always try to model honesty even when it's hard. I know that some of this behavior is normal, I'm just worried because it feels like he lies all the time. And then he has the nerve to get angry when I question him about things, like about his homework, and want proof that it's completed. I've currently removed the Xbox from his room, and will ground him from that. However, that doesn't feel super effective. Effective. I'm open to any and all advice/suggestions for consequences and how to decrease these behaviors and encourage honesty in him. Thanks!

 

[sammy707]

@natalie1rodri If he’s handling all of his responsibilities so well, why are you limiting his play so much?

Kids don’t need to be micro managed every second. An unfair balance will make anyone lie.

 

[natalie1rodri]

@sammy707 I agree, kids don't need to be micromanaged every second. He gets his stuff done with consistent reminders and he only has so many hours in the day. I say that we don't usually allow him play during the week, because he is a busy kid and there's often not time. If his tasks are completed and he has free time, we'll let him play. Most afternoons he gets home between 315- 3:30, eats a snack and plays a game on his phone or watches YouTube until 4: 00ish, works on his homework, chores, then basketball. Usually at that point it's dinner, shower and bed. He doesn't play basketball everyday of the week, but on days when he doesn't have official practice he often goes to the gym with his dad to play (his choice). When it's warmer outside, he often goes outside and plays with his friends. And on his busy weeks, if he has a lot of basketball/homework, I help with his chores so that he doesn't get overwhelmed because his first priority is school. I know that he doesn't feel that he gets enough playtime on the game. And while he is restricted, I think that he gets plenty of time. And we've explained to him, and backed it up with our actions, that when he is responsible in managing his time, he has more game time. And we're trying to help him learn how to manage his time well. ( For example, if he opts to take 2 hours to clean his room versus 30 minutes, that obviously will eat into the free time that he has).

I absolutely agree an unfair balance will make anyone lie. I feel like he does feel like it's unfair, mostly, though, because he is a teenager. He would prefer To just play games and not do homework or his chores. I understand why he lies and sneaks, I just want to make sure I'm doing what I can as a parent to help him know that lying and sneaking isn't ok. I would hate for him to have to unlearn these types of habits because lying and sneaking can greatly affect relationships now and in the future.

 

[hisangelonearth]

@natalie1rodri We equated trust with freedom and growing up.

E.g., if you generally get your homework done without nagging, we're willing to stop reminding you and let you accept the natural consequences of any slip ups. But if you start missing assignments, grades suffer, you've lost trust, and we revert back to a stronger level of reminders/control.

Same with more freedom regarding phones/gaming. Follow the agreed (this is where you can negotiate as a family) rules, and we will grant you those freedoms without question.

You could use the example of my (now 17) daughter. She used to have a very firm curfew, and would have to come to us to discuss if she ever wanted to break it (e.g., once the movie she wanted to go see would have gotten her home 1 hour later, we agreed.). But because when she had the curfew, she was very good at telling us her plans, or texting when she was going to be late (e.g., they lost track of time, she was on her way, 15 min late), eventually the curfew disappeared, in favor of gentle suggestions (e.g., I know you are out tonight, but you work tomorrow at 8 am, so make it an early night). She earned this.

 

[natalie1rodri]

@hisangelonearth That's what we're trying to do. I like your suggestions. Thank you!

 

[just_a_christian]

@natalie1rodri Ask him to contribute to the discussion on his school/sports/play balance.

If you give in on some of his asks, he will be more willing to respect the boundaries and expectations you set. This is the age when kids start making independent decisions on how to spend their resources: time, attention, energy.

For example, he might say that he wants to have freedom with choosing to play video games on the non-basketball nights. You would agree to that but would say that all play must stop at 12 am.

What I’m getting from you is that you are worried that he would play through the night and then be sleepy in school.
This is an opportunity to let him explore how much sleep he needs to be effective during the day.

Humans NEED to experiment to learn. You might need to allow him to have a late play night once a week so hd can feel what it means to be tired during the day.

Partner up with him to build out his weekly schedule with video games being a respected activity along with school and sports.

 

[natalie1rodri]

@just_a_christian This is very practical, and I think that my husband and I could definitely benefit from doing more of this and including the kid in more discussions.

 

[natalie1rodri]

I lied as a kid, snuck out, you know did the things. Things. And I feel like I turned out okay, I'm someone who really values honesty in my relationships. Relationships. So I'm hoping that this is just the teenage phase, I know that teenagers lie for independence and sneak around. However, it just worries me cuz it feels like he lies so easily. Although again when thinking back I also did.

 

[gavino]

@natalie1rodri We have a similar situation. All of our son's devices are on parental control and limited by how much, and which hours, he is allowed to play.

I think part of being a young teenager also comes with a smaller ability to avoid giving into impulse, so giving strict boundaries with parental controls gives them the opportunity to budget their time accordingly.

Sure, he can ask for more time, but he usually has to do some kind of chore to get more time, especially during the school week.

As far as lying... I would love to hear some examples of what to try. He's getting really bad (stealing large amounts of money from his sister and lying about it, breaking expensive electronics, etc...).

We really cannot trust him to tell the truth, even about small things.

 

[feargodnotthem]

@natalie1rodri don't over control your kid and they will be a lot less likely to lie.

 

[txrover]

@natalie1rodri Having the same issue with my 15 year old. I don’t have any advice I’m hoping someone else does!

 

[bogdan]

@natalie1rodri Same issues but for years. Started around 13. 15 now. Sneakiness is a big issue as well. I finally had enough and got rid of the consoles. Then it was the phone. It is the ONLY thing that has worked and now he’s branching out more socially but it’s tough. I want to add that he was given 6 months to start following rules, his choice. He did not choose well. Now he knows he’s buying his next console. Can’t figure out what to do with the phone bc it’s integrally connected with socializing and safety and a job. Was hoping more would chime in. I was a terrible liar back then and too honest as an adult so banking on it being part of teenage hood.

 

[sarcasticlemon]

@natalie1rodri When I know it's a lie, I don't ask, I tell.

I have also lectured since youth, don't do things that you must lie about or keep secret. Make your word your bond. I preach honor as a virtue and discuss what does "honor" mean.

 

[flocy1]

@natalie1rodri Also having same issue with my 13yo. She lies for NO REASON about the stupidest stuff. She also gets good grades, has plenty of free time, etc. I have talked to her til I am blue in the face. I don’t get it.

 

[natalie1rodri]

@flocy1 It's so frustrating. I recognize that it's definitely a 'symptom' of the phase of life. I just don't remember lying so much when I was my childs age. I also don't want to raise a lying asshole lol.