Co parenting / introducing to partner

[vidacek1234]

What is a good timeline for introducing child to a significant other and or letting the other parent know?

My specific situation is the following and I'm thinking that it may not have been the best.

As a guy i started dating this girl and let her know I had 2 kids. Kids are 2&3 years old. She met them at about our 3 months of dating and we all hang out regularly on the days & nights I have the children or don't have the children.. She likes children but she is strongly against her own until marriage but for she is over hanging out with me and often with the kids it all just depends on her work schedule really.

I have not let the other parent know as of course this will bring conflict and extra stress from their opinions, perhaps unresolved feelings and of course valid concerns for the well being of the little ones.

I had a small discussion with child's mother recently and she says the right time to introduce child to partner is when kids can talk and tell them how their day went..which she gave a timeline of when they are at least 3.5-5 years old and or when she feels comfortable. I'm a logical thinker and it being vague is bothering me so I have the following that I think is okay.. I could be wrong.

0-3 months - Date and determine if long term / future seen with this person and become exclusive

3-6 months - Continue to date and slow introduction to children in this time frame based on comfort of myself & the gf.

6-9 months - let children mothers know that i have significant other around children regularly and that we've been dating for 6 months

Thoughts? Edits? Feedback?

 

[kdr95]

@vidacek1234 The exact times will vary for everyone, and that's not necessarily as important as how it is handled. I would absolutely reverse your last two steps. The children should not be the messengers (and sure as hell should not be asked to hide anything from their other parent!).

You can't un-introduce them at this point, but you can slow way down, or even stop visits, until you have at least given your ex a heads-up.

 

[akashraletta]

@vidacek1234 You can't change that she met the children now, what's done is done so to speak. You don't have to tell her that the children have met her already, the children may have already mentioned it though.

My ex introduced his girlfriend to our child right off the bat, he wanted to spend time with her on his contact weekend and then kept it a secret for months until our child said "Oh we spent time with Alice* this weekend like we do every weekend" and her dad very quickly was like "No don't be stupid we don't know anyone of that name".

When me and child got home they burst into tears saying they felt bad daddy was telling them to lie to me and lying was bad etc.

I spoke to a mutual friend and they said that Alice* was exs girlfriend, which shocked me as I didn't know and she was one of his affair girls. I brought it up to him and he accused me of being jealous and told me that she always comes over and even looks after our child which royally pissed me off. But that was a few years ago now I have no desire to meet her and vice versa. What annoyed me most was the lies and hiding it even telling our child not to tell me.

As for my partner we have been together a year and he hasn't met my child yet, my child does not know about boyfriend as I am terrified about how ex is going to react. I will have to introduce child and boyfriend at some point though as we are wanting to spend more time together outside of my child free weekends.

 

[stefana]

@akashraletta Having difficult conversations isnt easy but they are necessary to show respectful coparenting.

Sadly, men too often latch on to new partners and introduce kids early as sort of a "test." While "stepparents" should be loving and helpful, they should not be brought in and expected to be the primary caregivers to young children early on. Dads need to ensure solid relationships with their own children. All it takes is a brief look at the stepparents sub and you will see countless women angry and upset with their male partners for being "used and not respected."

I dated my SO for 2 years before he moved in. My youngest was 3 and needed time to adjust to their parents split before introducing "new parents."

 

[someonetosaveyou]

@stefana “Dads is not the problem”. Shitty parents are the problem. My kids “mom” introduced my kids after a 2 week relationship. We had only been separated 2 months from a 13 year marriage. I as the father would never do that.

 

[ceciledemarseilles]

@vidacek1234 I think of it as not introducing someone to the kids lives that you may have to take away. So making sure that your relationship is solid, and going to be LTR is important first.

Also, give the children enough time to adjust to Mum and Dad not being together - so the kids will need to determine that timeline.

I hate when someone says “you need to know how a new SO will interact with the kids” to see if things will work so you don’t invest in a relationship that won’t work because of kids. Yes this is important, but it is transferring the burden to your kids. They’re the ones who will be hurt if your relationship doesn’t work out and they lose someone from their lives because they were introduced before the relationship was steady.

Finally, I think it’s pretty important to let your CP know as early as you can. This is only as a courtesy, so that they don’t find out from the kids.

 

[stefana]

@vidacek1234 6 months of dating. I spent most of the days with my kids with only my kids.
I'd let my other parent know I was going to introduce the dating person and tell them their name before I introduced them.

Yes you were likely wrong. Hopefully for you this doesn't backfire. Do you plan on moving in or marrying this new girl?

 

[vidacek1234]

@stefana Yes I do.

Okay. Well I was wrong and it will likely backfire sigh

 

[stefana]

@vidacek1234 Hindsight is 20/20.

 

[frederic12]

@vidacek1234 Myself and my daughter’s dad recently had this conversation as we are now both dating.
We agreed that we would meet partners at the same time as meeting our daughter.
Hiding this behind your ex’s back is very disrespectful (albeit I don’t know your personal situation) but you need to think about how you would feel if they told you they had done the same as you.

 

[heavensvoice]

@vidacek1234 I have no clue what your ex is talking about. Plenty of single parents date when they have infants. They don’t wait 3 years to introduce their kid to their partner. Obviously because of abuse concerns it’s great if your kids can talk but it sounds like you are present while she’s with the kids anyway.

I actually am extremely surprised your kids haven’t already said something.

Do what you want to do. I think the general rule is 6 months but you know your situation Best. I would come clean with your ex. So many people don’t tell their ex when they are introducing someone to their kids and it causes so many problems. Just tell her.

 

[vidacek1234]

@heavensvoice Your first paragraph is true and I agree.

Well my current gf has same name as the other parent so... Idk there's been times it would be obvious if they had different names but again the same name thing kind of helps. Definitely by time oldest is 3.5 she'll put more words to the context of what she wants and spell it out.

Thanks. Seems the consensus is 6 months definitely starting the new year off with the cat out of the bag so basically it's just between now and then to tell the other parent.

I appreciate the advice & anecdotals from everyone.

 

[heavensvoice]

@vidacek1234 I would maybe say “so I have a friend I’ve been getting close with and seeing casually, we’ve decided to get more serious and I just wanted to give you a heads up. The kids have already met her so it should be a smooth transition”

But if things don’t work out and you end up dating again try to give your kids mom a heads up before the kids meet your gf. A lot of people say not to, and in some circumstances I wouldn’t. But if you are coparenting and want a healthy relationship with transparency it’s best just to be on the same page. It’s hard to support your kids and answer questions when you have no clue what’s going on.

 

[mccristin]

@vidacek1234 I actually ended up on a first date that involved the children on both sides and some nieces as well! None of the children knew it was as date, just that it was a hot day and Dad and friend he knew from work took us to the nearby beach.

Having said that, I would normally be pretty cautious about introducing a 'girlfriend' to the kids. Even in my beach date, had it worked out longer term, she wouldnt have been introduced to the kids as a 'girlfriend' until at least two or three months down the track and I would have avoided having her around the kids until that time. Normally, I'd keep all dating activity away from the kids.

I'd inform the other parent just before the kid's met the new partner and I wouldnt get into any discussion about her personally, it would just be to discuss any parenting concerns over a new partner being introduced. I am at least fortunate with my ex that she is sensible in that respect and we share similar views.

 

[katrina2017]

@vidacek1234 My kids are teens now, and are too busy with their own lives to care what I'm doing or who I'm seeing, they met the guy I'm dating before we even started dating, we worked together then it progresses to friendship, then almost 2 years later to it being "official" dating. He's just been around for awhile, hell the kids are the one who told me to just freaking admit you're dating! They all like each other just fine but its not like they are around each other often .. My Ex thinks he should meet the guy although he has only seen the kids a handful of times in the past 2 years by his own choice, I just ignore him.

In a normal situation, with younger kids... 6+ months is a good time to introduce them... It's not too soon and gives you time to decide if it's going to work, but not too long where it's super serious and they you find out they hate your kid or your kid hates them!

 

[katrina2017]

@vidacek1234 Bit of conflict with your timeline. 3 to six months is cool to your friend/lover introduction psyche, but that to a small child is much more... Not that she's completely right, but you can't in secure conscious introduce a child to a new, regular relationship that soon. We as parents have to acknowledge that as much as we can emotionally invest in a new person, we can't put that onto our kids on our time. MAYBE 9 months with a spotless track record in the relationship. And even from there it shouldn't be taken lightly. And I'm not directly opposed to the introduction to kids earlier, just not that they (kids) need to feel obligated to accept that person straight away based on one parents judgement. Infatuations can last a few months to a couple years or longer, depending on the relationship, and then can fall to pieces leaving the child an unfortunate victim. There's nothing wrong with taking time with this person BEFORE you let your child become attached, regardless what the opinion of your ex's is.