Clothing for kids with 2 homes

[wenura]

Holy smokes this is a long post, sorry!

Looking for advice on how to navigate a gap in priority in clothes expense, and what items should be duplicated at each home and which shouldn't.

I have two 13.5 yo daughters (twins) and 2 grade school aged boys that split their time 50/50 between (my ex-spouse) Mom's house and mine.

I think it's important to empower my kids to make their own choices, so I give my kids a budget and they choose clothing as needed as they grow and wear things out as usual. Mom also purchases clothes for the kids, however often she buys things she like/thinks they will like/want (according to the kids). I assume this is a pretty typical/basic agreement/setup. Because they are kids, they outgrow and wear out clothes pretty regularly. It's not an outrageous expense, but it's certainly not cheap to clothe 4 kids either , even half-time.

I am a single income household at my house, but make a pretty standard living - we have plenty to cover the bills, but there is not really extra for extravagance/luxury beyond for example, basic luxuries, basic vacations (e.g. road trips, not tropical beach vacations). For example, we only eat out or get takeout 1-2 per month, and it's usually to celebrate a holiday or birthday.

One thing that tends to upset the apple cart is that mom loves to shop and I am more of a "buy clothes when you need to replace them" person, (which to be fair kids clothing gets replaced pretty regularly). Overall, this means (at least I assume) that the kids have more clothes overall at mom's - she just likes shopping. There isn't really a problem with that, it's just they way she's chosen to spend her money vs. my priorities.

Recently, I was surprised when their mom sent me a message that my daughter was asking to bring pants from her house to mine because she "doesn't have enough at Dad's house". Mom suggested that I shop for more pants for my house. My daughter has something like 8-10 pair of pants, mostly leggings, which is what she prefers to wear in the cooler season, all of which she has picked out. This seems to be plenty - she doesn't run out of things to wear before it's laundry time (or really even before it's time to go back to mom's).

When I asked my daughter about not having enough pants she said she doesn't like the pants she has at my house. I asked her to clarify and explain the difference between mom's house pants and my house pants. The example she gave was that she has Athleta pants at mom's from her grandpa (ex's dad) that she prefers and would rather have those here too.

I was genuinely shocked (I am pretty sure I don't hide it well - this is something I am working on - not being reactive to differences between my house and mom's) that my daughter thinks that her daily drivers should be pants in the $100 range. Generally when she's had things that are luxurious it is because they are special gifts.

I explained to her that while I will always be happy to maintain a wardrobe for them, even to include the occasional splurge, that Athleta equivalent clothing is not something that I choose to prioritize our family's spending on more generally speaking (I'm not even sure I could afford to if I wanted to).

Somewhat related: I am not super strict on the kids bringing items from my home to mom's. My general rule with my kids is that most things that are their personal items are just that - theirs - and that things that are purchased/gifted at my home, they are welcome to bring to moms when they want to, and when they want them at my house, they'll need to bring them back. This includes things they need like school backpacks, snowboots, snow pants, lunchbox, clothing. It also includes thing that are wants/gifts like earbuds, makeup, bike (mom only lives 1.5blocks away), books, etc.

Mom suggests that they have one of each of many of these things at each house (e.g. bikes). For some things, to me this doesn't make sense. For example, they wear/use things to school and they end up at the other home (e.g. why have 2 pair of snowboots when they'll just end up with 2 pair at one house at the end of the day). Another example would be having a bike at my house and at her house, when they're about a block away (that's a lot of garage space, let alone expense).

Who has navigated similar situations? Do you have suggestions regarding clothing? What discussions might I need to have with my daughter? With their mom? What about personal items like snowboots, winter jacket, bike?

Yikes, co-parenting seems hard today.

 

[billyuk1989]

@wenura Since you only live 1.5 blocks from each other there is logistically zero reason why things need to be duplicated, and your daughter could theoretically bring things from house to house. If you ex is open to that suggestion then I would tell your daughter she’s responsible for managing her belongings and bringing them back and forth. But if your ex is adamant that she doesn’t want to share, then you should just stick with your budget and not feel a need to spoil your daughter. “Sorry, I can’t afford it” is the only discussion you need to have with your daughter.

 

[wenura]

@billyuk1989 Thanks, yes ex is not as interested in the kids bringing things back and forth/sharing, so I suppose it comes down to budget just like any other family.

 

[halterfr33]

@wenura It doesn't seem to me like there's anything further you need to do in this situation.

Daughter already has the pants she wants, she can choose to carry them along with her to your house

Mom has made a suggestion which is fine. That suggestion doesnt work in your budget, which is fine

Perhaps I'm not understanding

 

[wenura]

@halterfr33 The challenge is mom doesn't want daughter to bring things back and forth. Maybe this is more about my frustration that she seems to be insinuating "why aren't you clothing them".

 

[hopefaith]

@wenura Our parenting plan actually has what I understood to be a standard statement about kids' things belonging to the kids, not the parents, and the kids are free to transport their belongings between households as needed/desired. I think there's even a short statement about how kids can retrieve things from the off-duty parents house (as long as that parent is home). Once in a while us parents get a little uppity about something that might have been expensive, hard to find, easily lost, etc., but in the end, the kids are in charge of their own things and it is a way to practice responsibility.

 

[wenura]

@hopefaith I agree with this. I am have explained this in writing multiple times, but it seems mom disagrees. I will look to some professional resources to see if there are recommendations, which could help explain the upsides, etc. I think it is what is best for the kids, maybe she would see it that way if it wasn't simply my "opinion".

 

[hopefaith]

@wenura Might help to find/study standard parenting plan language for your state/location. This was something I didn't really think about that both our lawyers recommended including. I see now it was a good call. Good luck.

 

[serventofyeshua]

@wenura I don't personally encourage my daughter to bring things between the two homes because my ex husband is not a very responsible custodian of things. So I don't share expensive items like bikes etc. If it goes to his house, my expectation is that I may never see the item again.

For clothing, it's harder to manage because my daughter wears clothing over there and then I rarely see it again. My daughter is particular about clothing like pants brands and underwear because she really "feels" her clothes and will get upset if her underwear feel too constricting or the band on the pants doesn't feel comfortable to her. We periodically go through a change where she will no longer wear a certain type of clothing because she decides that it bothers her.

I think these things need to be handled sensitively. Figure out why your daughter prefers the specific pair of pants and see if you can get a lower budget "dupe" that will satisfy her and make her feel listened to and cared for. While in principle, the idea of allowing kids freedom and budget to buy their own clothes is nice - it doesn't really cover situations where a child has a change that makes them require new clothing. It's a great practice tool for budgeting etc. but kids do not have the foresight to anticipate they may need additional funds later down the road if their preferences etc. change or they grow. I would try and meet your daughter half way here. What does she like about the pants - is it the style or comfort etc. and how can you meet that need within your budget?

I will say - my ex husband is somewhat insensitive to my daughter's clothing needs and she definitely notices.

 

[dylan511]

@wenura The clothing thing makes complete sense. If she wants to wear them from her mom's house, she is old enough to carry the responsibility of transporting them herself.

As far as the outerwear goes, I believe the way you have it now is not an issue at all. The items belong to the kids, not the parents who bought them, and if the kids need them, its ok to have one set and wear them back and forth. The notion of having one for moms house and one for dad's house is ridiculous if it's things the kids need daily, like outerwear and backpacks.

The bikes and outdoor stuff are a little different, however. I completely understand the expense and storage issue, and the distance between your home and Mom's is in close proximity. Are the kids allowed to ride their bikes between homes? Has this become an issue? Are they kids that prefer to be outside and like to ride their bikes while at your house? Or is getting them outside a struggle? Do you take family bike rides or trips where the bike is a necessity? Is there a way you could work something out that the kids are allowed to bring/ride their bikes from Mom's house to yours? Is it a safe area where the kids have some safe, unrestricted freedom to ride their bikes outside, or do they have to stay in the yard?

I guess these would all be things to consider. Personally, I feel the kids should have a variety of outdoor activities to do at both homes so they feel like they are "at home." Unfortunately, I can't relate to this as there is a significant difference in miles between Mom's and Dad's in my situation. They have bikes at both homes.

 

[wenura]

@dylan511 I think you're asking the right questions about the bikes thing. It's a bit of a mix on whether they are very outdoorsy kids, but generally speaking, especially in the summer they love to ride. Our area is very safe and there are plenty of bike trails for them to ride (including independently for the older kids). We also frequently go on family rides, including with grandparents on my side, so it would be important for them to have access. Mom just isn't interested in the kids coming to her house when they're with me, for example, to grab the bikes, and she's concerned about which things she's paid for vs. which things I've paid for. As I established and you reinforced, these are the kids things - I am happy for them to own and use them wherever they please, but mol doesn't see eye to eye on that with me.

Maybe I should just buy them all a bike to stay at my home...just gets spendy when everything is x4

 

[dylan511]

@wenura You could check secondhand stores or Marketplace/craigslist for decent used bikes. They don't have to be brand new, as long as they're in good working condition.

 

[bellah]

@wenura My ex and I believe that the kids things belong to the kids. We also live close, about a mile from each other. Clothes go back and forth freely. I will also buy things for his house because they are more comfortable talking to me about things (bras, underwear and period items usually). He understands this and will generally offset it by purchasing winter coats and boots - things that the kids aren’t as uncomfortable talking about with him. Very rarely do the kids end up with everything at one place and usually when it happens it’s because one of us has had them more (work travel). Also with older kids it’s important for them to have some control, especially over their clothes. My kids are pretty thrifty but have discovered they want more name brand items. We hit a lot of Marshall’s and TJ Maxx. Also Poshmart is our friend. My ex makes about 70% more than I do.

I know that what we do doesn’t work for everyone but maybe it’s time for a conversation with your ex about the kids stuff being theirs.

 

[adebola68]

@wenura If you don’t have an issue with the kids bringing things back and forth then can they just do that? Or is their mom saying no and that’s what’s causing the issue?

We have a HCBM and had some issues with items going back and forth so we no longer transport anything except the kids and school supplies. Any other items the kids need would need to be duplicated at each house. There are things they have at our house that they don’t have at their mom’s and vice versa. They’ve just gotten used to only having those things half-time.

But it doesn’t sound like that level of restriction is needed if both you and your ex are willing to swap things back and forth and just have the kids be responsible for their things.

 

[wenura]

@adebola68 Right, mom doesn't want them to bring things back and forth. It is complicated by the fact that the swap is almost always my house -> school -> her house and vice versa, so there isn't really a way for them to not bring something like winter jacket, shoes, and, for that matter, clothing, back and forth, because they're wearing it. Similarly, they play soccer and they have just one each away and home uniform - it seems crazy that they'd have have 2 complete soccer kits at each house.

I guess part of it is that I was very used to bringing my belongings back and forth ask a kid when my parents were divorced and I'm simply seeing my perspective as the "right" perspective.