I posted this a while back in the /daddit sub. The responses were eye opening about just how hard going from 1 to 2 really is. Multiple dads said the change is exponentially more difficult and more then 2x as hard.
Every once in a while I read the responses again and think “yeah, I can’t do 2”. I really appreciate dad’s opening up in this thread and being honest.
A few parents I talk to keep telling my wife and I “you have to have a second”. It’s almost as if they are trying to trick us and then when it’s too late will then only say “oh, yeah it’s insanely hard” as a gotcha.
@sam77 I'm a terrible person but I sub to r/2under2 (or whatever the exact link is) just to ready their stories to continue to solidify my reasons for OAD
@servewithlove I honestly think misery loves company. We have friends who have been pushed to the brink since having a second; literally their marriage is about to end and they’ve been suicidal. We know this and they’ve still told us to have a second.
@liilas Same! I've had friends spent at least an hour complaining about how difficult it is to have multiple kids and then say to me you should have another one. Do they think I'm stupid?
@liilas As an aside, why is this allowed to be discussed? Reproduction is not small-talk. For all anyone knows, people don’t have children or more children because of a medical condition or they’ve had losses. I find it incredibly weird to tell people so nonchalantly to add a human being to their lives as if they’re recommending what streaming service you should get.
@liilas The ones that push the hardest for others to have more kids are totally the ones that complain the most about having multiples. They want validation for their misery, and the easiest way to get it is to see their friends make the same mistake choice.
EDIT (for clarity): I'm not suggesting multiples automatically = misery. Just that those that are miserable are the ones that want others to be miserable with them.
@liilas My jaw dropped but I’m actually not completely surprised because I’ve had people on the edge of their marriage too tell me “we just need another” like um no thank you I’d like to stay happy in my marriage lol
@liilas A colleague of mine has come to the office in tears and said her marriage is in shambles. Just announced she’s pregnant with #2! I don’t understand the decision making…
@servewithlove I’ve heard it’s harder for dads because moms usually take the brunt of childcare when there’s one. When the second one comes, dad is forced to be more involved with the toddler because mom is caring for the newborn. It’s actually a sad depiction of the skewed responsibilities of parenthood more than it is eye opening about 1-2. Moms of 1 already know being a parent is hard.
@fmc4auburn Yeah, my partner is fence sitting. If he brings up the topic of Number 2 seriously, I’m going to ask him to do 75% of the childcare for our first for 2 months before we have a serious discussion about it.
@fmc4auburn Sounds right. Thankfully my husband was caring as much as he could from the beginning. We had to formula feed, so he did half, he coslept and held the baby every night (we did it safely, only way baby would sleep)
So he has never ever suggested a second because he’s been there taking care of the only
@wantedbyhim My husband has also been very involved in parenting. We also did formula and he got 12 weeks paternity leave so we really split everything 50/50 from the beginning. He was also the first one to decide that we shouldn’t have any more, lol. I agreed with him pretty quickly after we discussed it a bit, but it’s funny because it seems like it is more often the dad who wants another (at least in my personal experience with my parent friends) and it makes sense that it’s because not all dads know how hard parenting can be, haha
@fmc4auburn That’s actually a really good way of putting it and interesting because it mirrors the comments I’ve heard about it with moms vs. dads. I’ve also heard the temperament of kids can be very different so if #1 was difficult, the parents went into it more mentally prepared and usually say 1-2 was easier than 0-1 for them but if they got “lucky” with an “easy” baby #1 then the 1-2 transition is/was usually a lot worse for them than 0-1.
like um no thank you I’d like to stay happy in my marriage lol