Can’t stop missing the younger years

P

proangel

New member
I’m a 50 year old mother to one child, a 14 year old daughter. I love her and I’m glad she’s independent. She is individuating so hard!
I am having a hard time letting go of the things that we used to do… like 4 years ago. Saying I love you when we say good night. She says that’s not her love language anymore. And how I used to read to her in bed. We used to be able to do things together like go to a museum or a park and it was genuinely fun. I didn’t fear that I’d set her off by saying the wrong thing. I know this is ridiculous to miss, but I loved sewing dresses and skirts for her. She would pick out the fabric and I sewed baggy dresses she could get dirty and move freely in. Now, we can’t hardly go shopping together because it’s an ordeal… she thinks everything is overpriced, even though I’m paying for it, and doesn’t like anything she sees. I know she doesn’t like her body but she doesn’t want to confide in me about it.
Oh. And the gulf between our generations is painfully clear all the time. When she was 2 or 5 or 8, it wasn’t.
I just wanted to vent, and see if anyone else felt similarly.
 
@proangel I know! It is so hard to say good-bye to the person they used to be, and accept the completely different person they are now in the moment. I have struggled with it since toddlerhood, and teen years are just as hard, if not a bit worse, because it marks the start of their path to leave our home.

I am blessed with 3 children, and my oldest teen is pretty laid back and we are still quite connected. But my second teen, the gulf between us is large and at times insurmountable.
 
@michaelo
...teen years are just as hard, if not a bit worse
Click to expand...

My son is just about out of his teens, and he didn't truly start to fulfill this prophesy until the last year, and holy shit is it ever hard.

On that note though, Facebook is really good at reminding me of the time in life when I was my son's hero, and I'd carry him around on my shoulders, all that junk. And yeah life is different now, different doesn't mean bad, and I love him the same...I'd just also like to punch him square in the face.

But you know, we all have to go through that weird, not a kid anymore, but not an adult either stage, and it sucks. But Jesus, can it end soon please?
 
@proangel This is what I’m going through right now as a mom to a 15 year old boy. I miss him so much!! (…and he is literally less than a meter away from me in his room playing games).
 
@sabko I feel this so much! I have 14 year old twins and they’re only in their rooms on the other side of the house, but I feel so lonely.
 
@proangel This resonates with me 100 percent. My friends with older kids say to give it time and she will come back to me. I know in my brain that this pulling away is normal and natural and desirable (I want her to be a fully functional and independent human, I do!). But damned if my heart doesn’t break just a little each time she shuts the door. I saw a baby in arms the other day that looks just like my almost 14 year old did back then and started ugly crying in public LOL All this to say, you’re not alone.
 
@bryness44 That happened to me when Inside Out came out. The scene where the mom is in the ball pit looking at discarded memories of when her daughter was younger just about killed me. I cried so hard. And this was in anticipation of what was to come because my daughter was 7 or 8 at the time. Now she’s about to turn 15!
 
@proangel I totally feel this. I ended up grieving the loss of the person my daughter used to be, for almost 3 years. I had to totally rebuild my relationship with her and it took ages. And we're good now. Really good.
My point is you're not alone. A lot of us go through this but most people don't talk about it. I didn't as I was ashamed.
And, even though it may take a while, you'll get there.
We had start letting go of her a lot sooner than we thought we would. And we had to learn to work with f her and not against her, focusing on keeping her safe, from others and her own bad decisions, and being open with her about it.
You'll find your way. Good luck!
 
@aliahmed I do feel ashamed. It’s a relief to hear you felt that way and that things changed. I know I have to work harder to accept who she is now. There are things that are positive, like we talk the dogs together. But I hate that while we’re doing it, I’m remembering how much fun our walks were when age was little and would jump in puddles for example. Or just chatter on without it being so heavy. We would have conversations and it didn’t feel heavy the way it does now. I don’t know how to be the mother she needs now, when it seems she doesn’t want me to say anything much at all to her… anyway thanks.
 
@proangel These years are really hard but they do tend to turn around and come back into a different type of relationship. Mothers and daughters especially just have a difficult time that is pretty normal (not everyone obviously). You have really great memories and when your daughter is older, those will be good memories for her too. Now that she’s spreading her wings, this is a good time for you to find a hobby that you enjoy and can throw yourself into. I’m not a big crafty person but many of my mom friends crochet, needle point, sewing etc. They all grew this hobby once their teens got to that age where they had more free time. I know it’s sad and it’s hard when you’re in it but now that my daughter is an adult, we have this really cool relationship and we do a lot of things together. She hated shopping when she was a teenager but now, we go shopping all the time. We watch a few shows together and we make it point to have dinner out just the two of us at least once a week. The best thing you can do to make sure that you’re leaving that space open for her is to give her the space she’s asking for now (within reason) and not push her away by forcing yourself on her. She will come back. Hugs
 
@proangel I was just at Target with my 16 yo daughter and my husband. She picked up Jennette McCurdy’s book “I’m Glad My Mom Died” and said, oh I want to read this. It’s hard not to take that personal, but I know she’s not making it about me. She liked iCarly and that book is popular. Still… I don’t feel like she and I are close though, so it’s like 😕.
 
@seniorgirl I’ve read a bit about that book. If she reads it, I bet she’ll appreciate that you never did the things that her mom did to her. But I know what you mean about not feeling all that close anymore.
 
@seniorgirl The book has a title that leads one to be curious, she can’t help being interested. Jennette McCurdy had a horrible mom, once your daughter reads it she will love you more.
 
@proangel Same. Two teen girls on the cusp of adulthood. One just left for College. The other is rarely, if ever home. Between them getting a drivers license, work, socializing w/friends, (and maybe even a secret BF) and going back to school, we hardly even see each other now. We took a short vacation over the summer and had a great time, but, even then they kept going off on their own and I found myself having to find stuff to do solo here and there.

Strangely enough, I don’t find myself longing for how things were just a couple of years ago when they were totally dependent on me. Those days were kind of exhausting. I guess I’m just at a place now where I accept that I’ve done my job and now it’s time for them to become the individuals that they’re going to be. But yeah, it does get me down from time to time, especially when the house is completely empty, but I’m glad that they are turning out to be very independent and responsible.
 
@proangel Yeah, it's the sad part of parenting independent kids. I tell my 14 year olds when I want some together time and they still oblige. We get comfy on the couch and watch horror movies (with my son) or our favorite series/chick flicks (with my daughter). That helps my heart not miss them too much.

I make a point of telling them I love them, and they have always said it back. I'd be devastated if they didn't. This new age "love language" bs doesn't fly with me.
 
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