CALLING ALL THE PARENTS OF STRONG WILLED TEENS

[tyler234]

My boyfriend (35) and I (32) have 4 kids. M-13, F-11, M-9 and M-1. The 13 and 9 yr old are my biological kids from a previous relationship and that father is absent both physically and legally (there's a ppo protecting rhe 3 of us from him due to attempted murder.) 11 yr old is boyfriends from a previous relationship and that mother is present although in and out of jail regularly due to addiction. 1 yr old is our shared child. We have been together 6 yrs.

The oldest is our strong willed child. He remembers the abuse but still idolizes his bio dad. He resents me for pressing charges, resents bf for being present when his bio dad isn't, and resents my bf's daughter for having both bio parents involved.

13 yr old and bio dad bonded over video games. Now that he's gone my 13 yr old says that's his "escape." I'm not a huge fan of video games but do allow them as long as grades are good, taking care of personal hygiene (showers brush teeth eating sleeping etc) not fighting or breaking rules (not grounded.) Seems pretty basic to me.

He is not understanding of this at all. He feels that since he paid for the gaming device that he should be allowed to have it at all times. We tried that at one point and he didn't shower for an entire week, refused to come down to eat meals ( he was sneaking snacks up to his room so he could game and eat.) Friends would come and if they didn't want to sit and watch him play games he didn't want to play with them. He was refusing to do school work. Nothing mattered except his games so we cut that in the bud. Now it's for an hour at the end of the day so long as he's following the above mentioned guide lines.

In the last month he broke a door out of anger, has been beating on his siblings, verbally abusing us, stole my boyfriends uncles credit card information, and a bunch of other really bad stuff. So needless to say he's GROUNDED. No phone, no xbox, no handheld game thing. This has caused him to spiral out of control and just do more and more bad. Up until last night we have held strong.

Last night he couldn't keep his hands of his brother, 9. I scolded him and told him to go upstairs. He verbally abused me and broke the baby gate into pieces on his way up. When boyfriend got him he calmly asked him if he thought that was going to help him earn his stuff back. That sent him over the edge and he stormed off again breaking the door on his way and climbed onto the roof.

Half an hour we told him to get down. He screamed and cried and told us he wanted to be loved. We assured him we did and do but that he has to be held accountable for his actions. Called the police who did absolutely nothing of help. Finally boyfriend yelled up to a hysterical 13 yr old, if I gave you your game will you come down? Instant smile and he climbs off the rood and inside.

This is a constantly recurring event with him. Does some really jacked up stuff, is held accountable, doesn't like it and gets progressively worse until he threatens suicide and gets his way. How the he'll are we supposed to hold him accountable if he just threatens suicide everytime?! We're at wits end over here. The other 3 kids are completely traumatized by his actions. Our relationship is struggling because of it. Boyfriends uncle didn't press charges tho now I wish he had. He steals from stores but hasn't had charges pressed yet. The state won't get involved until he has a criminal record. We can't afford the thousands of dollars it costs to send him to a boot camp (though would I even want to with all the reports of serious abuse and even death?!) He was in therapy but refuses to go now. Is on antidepressants. We go to church weekly. Any help or advice is appreciated.

 

[bogdan]

@tyler234 Back to therapy and request a psychiatric referral as well. It’s serious enough to make him go to a therapist. Try to find 3 for him to choose from but it’s your house, WiFi that his system is on, is yours. I had to have my son turn in all of his devices at night. I regularly ground him from his devices and it keeps his behavior in check. Your son is learning to emotionally manipulate someone into doing what he wants. Different when they’re two vs teens. That needs to be addressed by a therapist and a psychiatrist so the behavior can be molded before it turns into a conduct disorder. Spend more time with him and try to get him involved in outside activities, the church youth group. Talk to one of the pastors there maybe about him getting a male mentor - Big Brothers/Big Sisters is a great organization as well. Poor kid, poor you but it’s about holding him accountable consistently for his behavior and showing them you’re not afraid to. If he’s needing a positive online gaming group and likes Minecraft my son (17) is a mod of a Minecraft group of boys of all ages up to around early 20’s - and I could talk to him. Once they have something to look forward to, it gives them reason to keep their behavior in check. Feel free to IM me if you think he’d like it.

 

[katrina2017]

@tyler234

1. Do not send him away. That will ruin your relationship with him permanently. He needs to be PARENTED through this rough patch, not rejected because of it.
2. Antidepressants are not studied in adolescents and the quantitative data suggests they are ineffective at best, and harmful at worst. If he does not feel or behave better while taking it, it's not working.
3. Please do not call the police unless he has committed a crime or a crime has been committed against him. Give him a chance to grow through this without getting LE involved. They are not going to do the parenting he needs.
4. He threatens suicide when you take away his devices because he has learned it WORKS. It is going to take some behavior modification to extinguish that behavior, because it gets him what he wants.
5. Now that you know the gaming devices are your bargaining chip, USE THEM. Positive reinforcement is the most effective behavior modification technique. Work out an agreement for the behavior you want to see and the time he will earn on the devices when he exhibits that behavior. I think removing the devices for now (as punishment for the behavior he has already demonstrated) is appropriate, but allowing him time with them when he demonstrates effective behavior is the best approach to earning them back.
6. Do all of this WITH LOVE. He is a traumatized CHILD. Nothing he's doing is personal against you. Don't take it that way. He's behaving exactly as you'd expect a traumatized 13 year old to behave. None of this is unexpected or even that unusual for a child with his life experience.
7. Family therapy with a Dialectical Behavioral therapist. He doesn't even have to engage for it to be beneficial. Therapists are used to reluctant teenage clients.

 

[colwyn]

@katrina2017 This

 

[lorraineldg3]

@tyler234 You have a traumatized 13 year old who lost his father, was abused by that father, and likely has a lot of intense mixed feelings without the support and help he needs to work through them. You can keep punishing him and slowly drive a wedge between you and him, and make it worse, or you could get him into long term therapy. Has he been diagnosed with PTSD or depression? What about you? His disappearing into video games to the point that he doesn’t shower may be a sign of depression. I don’t know. I’m just another parent, but one who went through serious trauma as a kid around his age. He’s going to need help, space, love and understanding, and yes reasonable boundaries, but if you hold him accountable and punish him without giving him emotional tools you’re going to do more damage.

 

[tyler234]

@lorraineldg3 He has ptsd and depression/anxiety and Is on medication for it but refuses to go to therapy any longer. He was in it for 3 yrs after threatening to shoot up the school. I'm in therapy, and so is my boyfriend. I would like to get my 9 yr old in as well.

 

[lorraineldg3]

@tyler234 It sounds like you have a ton on your hands. I’m really sorry. This crap ran in my family until us, and I have had my kids in therapy from the damage I did earlier from drinking trying to bury the childhood trauma. This cycle is vicious, and you can stop it. For me I feel like it’s the biggest gift I could give my kids.

Your sons need time with you, and time with your boyfriend if that’s really going to be longterm, but give the latter time. Start with you. I used camping and backpacking because it got us away from distractions, wore us out physically, and gave us time to bond in ways that it can be hard to do at home with all of the stresses of life around. If it’s going to the park and kicking a soccer ball do that. Long walks, etc. Find something that’s just you and the two boys. Your boys need that time, and I’m guessing their jealousy is due to them thinking they’re not getting enough. If you need to do this one on one, one at a time, do it. It can be hard to find the time with other obligations, but make it a priority.

Those efforts and experiences may also help get your sons to the point of them listening to you enough to agree to therapy. Be very open about your own fears and traumas with them if you can. It also helps with trust. It has for me. I’m an open book with my kids about my own mistakes, dumb moves, fears, etc., and while I do my best to make it age appropriate I err on the side of more is better. Having grown up in a shit show of a household where my parents pretended to do no wrong, I’m probably (absolutely am) reacting there to some extent, but it’s been working (I think).

Also, maybe find a male counselor? But find one who specializes in childhood trauma and give him space to talk openly with the therapist. Don’t go asking the therapist for information or things your son says, other than advice and information you need to help him. Obviously I’m not saying you don’t need to be concerned with things he says that raise safety issues, but the counselor will know where that line falls.

Obviously, I’m just another parent. I really hope tiki get the help you all need. It’s really hard. I’m sending all the love I can - big virtual hugs

 

[joshuaaa]

@tyler234 Well, that sounds like a tough situation.

But what sticks out to me is you have identified WHY he is the way he is, and you've identified WHAT his behavior is. What I don't see is you then tying the two back together.

As another user said, He's behaving exactly as you'd expect a traumatized 13 year old to behave.

but still idolizes his bio dad.

That is pretty typical of children. Don't fight it, acknowledge it.

13 yr old and bio dad bonded over video games. Now that he's gone my 13 yr old says that's his "escape."

It's not just his escape, it's his only tie he has to his dad. When you take away his games, it's a metaphor for taking away his dad. That was their thing, Now he's gone and if you take away the games, it's the only thing he had left.

I am not saying let him have his way, but when you're holding him accountable, you have to acknowledge that's it's not just a game to him.

resents my bf's daughter for having both bio parents involved.

Well, not anyone's fault, I think this is understandable. Again, acknowledge it. acknowledge that it's not fair and his feelings are indeed valid that he got the short end of that stick. But also let him know it's not her fault she does have both bio parent involved.

I would also suggest reading "The Boy Crisis" by Warren Farrel.

 

[sheryl99]

@tyler234 I would highly recommend getting him into intensive therapy. He seems to have,for lack of a better word, a sort of Stockholm syndrome and hero worship of his bio dad. His dad is his hero and since his hero is totally fine assaulting those weaker than him it makes sense your son would think the same way.

I imagine since your ex made a habit of assaulting and abusing his family he also made excuses and blamed all of you for why he was abusing you. Your son may have bought into this due to his age and his admiration of his father. This is just me being an arm chair psychiatrist here but I have personal experience with something like this with a family friend.

Their dad would "punish" them severely,very severely, but he didn't do it randomly. He wouldn't do anything unless they actually did something wrong. Minor things would get a typical punishment, like if they forgot to take out the trash then they lost their phone for a couple days but if they disrespected him or their mom or did something more severe then they got abused,not punished, but abused and beaten. It had the effect of making them all think they had deserved it because he didn't do it all the time.

To reform your son its going to take alot of hands on work and will most likely cost you your relationship with your bf if he can't take the stress. If your son reacts like this and the only way to calm him down is give him is stuff and you do then there's no point in taking it away. He knows you're going to give it back if he keeps it up and you do, that's got to stop.

If he's threatening suicide then he needs to be taken to a hospital and admitted on suicide watch. I've seen someone on suicide watch and if someone isn't serious about suicide they're not going to want to keep experiencing that, it's really annoying. If he steals from people then they need to press chargers. He needs serious repercussions for his actions to learn that consequences are a result for doing stupid things.

He's past the point of going easy on him because he's a kid. He's making everyone miserable and the world revolves around him. He's learned some high level manipulation and is using it to full effect "I want to be loved" threatening suicide, breaking stuff, and climbing onto the roof are all things he's using to manipulate you guys.

He's 14 so he doesn't get to refuse therapy, make that conditional for return of privileges. Sit him down and and explain how things are going to be from now on, if he interrupts wait till he's done and continue speaking. Tell him he's going back to therapy, no more xbox for a month atleast and conditional on his behavior and commitment to getting better, assualt will get the police called, theft will get the police called, if he goes out on the roof bring his Xbox outside and get a hammer, he comes down or loses it forever, threatening suicide will result in a 72 hold at a mental hospital, and serious repercussions for all other outrageous behavior.

I know this is easy for me to say but I am fully aware this is going to be a war for you and your family but it's past the point of grounding. He's abusing your whole family and is basically being allowed to do it. That's not fair to you guys and ESPECIALLY not fair to the younger kids who are at his mercy everyday. Everything revolves around this kid and his moods for your entire family and that has to stop. I don't think he's an evil child or anything , he just had a bad window to the world as a child and now he doesn't see the world as he should.

I recommend you getting some counseling and/or therapy too. No one can go through all you seem to have gone through without it doing some psychological damage and some therapy could give you the tools to help with your son. I hope you guys can get through this and everyone comes out happier and healthier than when it started, good luck OP

 

[angelanguyen]

@tyler234 Two thoughts come to mind that might help: first, your county health department or local entity might offer suicide prevention training for parents. This could help you in those crisis moments. The other thought is counter to the punishment: take him out to his favorite restaurant and just be together, just the two of you. Have him tell you all about why he loves gaming so much. Your eyes will glaze over but the goal is to see what brings him joy and share in it. He is hurting and sometimes just being seen like this can move the needle on him understanding how much you love him. And it’s clear that you do, given all that you have written here. Sending you hope, OP!

 

[taranmicheal]

@tyler234 The most important thing you can do is hold firm to your boundaries. I understand you were scared because he was threatening suicide, but you are teaching him he can get away with manipulation. Your kid is tough. You need to be tougher.

Sit him down and go over a list of things that are no longer tolerated in your home. Examples would be no physical abuse, stealing, sneaking out, swearing, etc. Decide ahead of time what the consequences will be, and do not give in. He will test you to see if you follow through. If he threatens suicide, have him brought to the mental hospital. I would not play. A couple of times of this and he will know you are serious.

 

[katrina2017]

@taranmicheal Do not take him to a "mental hospital" as punishment. That's not what they're for. That will just traumatize him further.

 

[taranmicheal]

@katrina2017 It isn’t punishment. If a child is threatening to kill themselves, then he needs to be evaluated by a professional

 

[katrina2017]

@taranmicheal Taking a child to the hospital to determine if a suicide threat is credible is not necessary. That evaluation can be done over the phone. Given this child's reported pattern of behavior, his ideation is behavioral, not suicidal. But it doesn't take a trip to the hospital for a provider to determine that.

 

[christtoulese]

@tyler234 Ok you’ve said a lot of things that are super concerning. Abusing your other children, violence in the home breaking stuff, theft, verbally abusing you. I stopped at him threatening to shoot up the school and threatening suicide.

I would look into having him be admitted for a 72 hour psychiatric hold. This is not a punishment. This is exactly what they are there for.

You cannot parent, punish, or love this kind of trauma out of him.

You also have a duty to your other children to provide a safe environment for them.

 

[michaelo]

@tyler234 You have gotten great advice. But I just want to reiterate, this is not a strong willed teen. This is a teen that is mentally unwell, and needs help yesterday. You need family and individual help with a good psychotherapist.