Broken promises and sadly comical story that perfectly sums up my existence

J

jeremias

New member
Just a vent because I am having a particularly rough day. My preK son had explosive diarrhea in the middle of Walmart. To make sure this is clear… it wasn’t In Walmarts bathroom but ironically in the TP aisle. He made a huge scene and had messy pants and of course this happened after I spent an hour getting groceries but before I checked out. I had to abandon my shopping cart with a clerk so I could take him home and get him cleaned up. He is at an age where you don’t expect to need a change of clothes so I had to hunt through my car to find something to wrap around him so l I could take off his poopy pants and not get poop stains all over my backseat. All I had was a roll of paper towels and my favorite winter coat. Shortly before he had the diarrhea he had a very dramatic “fall”. “Fall” because he tripped over his own foot and screamed that I broke his ankle because I didn’t predict he would trip. He has an ear infection and when he is sick, he is really dramatic and crabby. I finally have him in bed next to me because he won’t sleep by himself since his night terrors started a year ago. Thank God he no longer smells like poo.

When I got pregnant I had so many people promise they would help me with my son and not a single person has shown up for me. My now ex-best friend never even visited my baby. My parents never babysat once like they promised. My job was unsupportive and I had to move states to find another job. My ex became a dead beat. My son has no one except for my new boyfriends family. They certainly aren’t as close to him as if it were his own family but at least they remember things like his birthday.

I have no one to lean on or talk to when things get rough. I feel so duped because I followed through with the pregnancy thinking I would have a support system. So many people made so many promises and not a single one followed through. Having a child is hard and people need people to lean on some times.

I adore my son and know that with him I will forever have someone to love and to be loved by which is particularly important to me since I was raised by a narcissist. I just feel like crying especially after a long as f&$k weak at work.

Also to make things even more sadly comical….I caught the virus that gave him the ear infection and diarrhea. When do I get to rest in bed ?? Why don’t I get to call in sick? Who is going to sacrifice their winter coat if I get explosive diarrhea at Walmart and don’t have a change of clothes?? I His dad doesn’t pay a penny and I can’t afford a day off. I wish his dad lived closer to me so I could drop off his son’s poopy pants and car seat and tell him to get the stains out!!

Anyone else relate?? Are you dealing with broken promises and episodes diarrhea at Walmart?
 
@jeremias This is going to be funny in a few years. Til then, we’ll keep trudging through the literal shit because that’s what we do as parents who love our children and do the best for them. This shit’s hard bc we care. I hope you can care about yourself like you do your child and wish that others could do for you. That doesn’t make it easier or okay, but it’s what we can control. Deep breaths, mama, you got this shit!
 
@jeremias There are times I wonder how I'm ever gonna get through the crisis of the day so I get your frustration. All I can say is that you're better off than some since the new BF's family is on board. It's not family but it beats being ignored. My narcissistic ex managed to alienate all of my friends prior to marriage and my family lives out of state. There are times I feel all alone and wonder what the f*ck I'm doing. Then I imagine what it would be like if I couldn't be with my boys and all of the crazy stuff doesn't seem so bad. In the moment it feels like the world is crashing down around me, but I know the alternative sucks.
 
@jeremias It does get easier. I have 3 kids, 12, 14 and 18. Their dad took off 10 years ago and came back once for 6 mos (by my request) just to break their hearts all over again. I remember those first few years, juggling daycare and work and school. We were sooo broke all the time. My family hurts more than they help, seriously. My friends all disappeared when I got pregnant at 17 yo, but that taught me a lot about friendship and I lowered my expectations. It’s gets easier in many ways as they get older but then you get new issues to tackle. Heartbreaks, suicides, depression, bullies, an uncertain future, education and money. There have been times throughout the years that the only thing keeping me going was imagining leaving them alone in this cold world to fight for themselves. It’s ridiculously hard at time but I know no one is gonna show up for them like I do and so I do it every day.
 
@lek I like that phrase
“No one is going to show up for them like I do “
I remind myself of this every time I feel like my son is better off without me. I just didn’t word it so well. Nicely stated
It is true. Few things are as strong as that maternal bond for most women. (I get there are lots of examples of women without it but most of us do have it )

I always liked the comparisons with manna bears because it’s so true. There have been women who somehow lifted entire cars or ran into house fires to save their children. It’s truly beautiful. I am a very passive person but if someone so much as looks at my son funny, I change and get into mamma bear mode. Ie he probably has ADHD and so many judge me or him and I will stick up for him until the end of the world. I know he isn’t just misbehaving. I know he is trying so hard to fit into a world that wasn’t made for his creatives energy and beautiful heart.
 
@jeremias I’m so sorry mama that sounds like such a shit day and I hope you get a hug because you need it. there’s nothing like having a kid to show you who will/will not show up for you. I’m sorry your fam and friends have let you down. Your son will have your back and clean your poopy pants one day for everything you’ve done for him.
 
@jeremias Our situations are so similar. I love the way you wrote this and i empathise with the vent.

i have also had a hard week, money has been really tight since my sons dad vindictively stopped paying child support, because even if a lawyer has explained to him that its not $ per visit, its a responsibility and mandated responsibility, he has been cutting it off often to cause us grief.

I learned to not rely on it and assume it wont be there. He also moved interstate when i got out another IVO due to persistent irreconcilable differences.i was the scape goat in a family of 6 with two narc parents who never help. When times are hard my mother often smugly quips "payback", because she thinks everything in the world is tit for tat.

another thing i learned from southpark is never leave home without your towel. I cant afford a car but always have a hand towel at least packed in the pram tray, it is ALWAYS helpful and needed at least %70 of the time we venture out for some unanticipated reason.

such a long, dry (boring) restless week, floods everywhere it rained so hard being spring here, we couldnt really go anywhere but the back yard which has become daily ritual at 6am for ds to nag scream and cry at the back door so he can go out and pull snails off the bricks. Knowing about rat lung worm, i now have to gumboot up and go out with him, in the rain, fresh out of bed and pick every single snail off the fences, building and out of the sandpit (often hundreds) and put them in the green bin for collection, i hate this routine phase 🙄.

We both got sick on tuesday (thanks again daycare) so i had to cancel wiggles concert, who would have thought paying an extra $30 for refundable tickets would eventuate to no refund.

I have no support system, it was not a surprise to me. People often arent who they say they are or think they are and often make offerings from the other them who isn't real. Or when they offer, sometimes repeatedly and you eventually call it in they treat you like dirt or inconvenience for asking as if it came out of the blue and you are so selfish and inconsiderate blah blah.

i have cut the world but that which we require eg: daycare, totally out without any expectations and i am too grumpy tired and untrusting to turn that around any time soon.

about the towel though, highly recommend this or always having an emergency backpack in your car. I feel silly carrying mine but also much like bear grills when in a bind.
 
@jeremias Oh man sounds like a shit storm (I apologize for the pun). I don’t know if you have ever heard of or looked into this, but my community has some really awesome programs for kids. Mine isn’t quite old enough but there’s a local aquarium that does 3-4 hour long “parties” for you to drop your kids off. They just did one for Black Friday so parents could shop in peace. There are also a few “slumber party” things that the Y or local library puts on so kiddos can go watch a movie and have popcorn. Usually a 2-3 hour event. Maybe you can find something fun for when he isn’t sick so you know he is safe and having fun and you can catch a break! I know that doesn’t help when he’s sick but it could be a good option to get you some well needed alone time! Libraries are a really good resource to find out about things like this too
 
@jeremias Same. When I divorced his family told me they would always be there for me and my daughters… well they are hardly there. Unless they are calling to speak about themselves, but no one ever cares if we are ok. I have learned that the majority of people don’t care. They may say it bc it’s the thing to say but when push comes to shove…. We have to learn to just deal with one Walmart episode at a time and keep it moving.
 
@jeremias Thank you for posting this. I so relate. I went through this before Reddit, so I didn’t feel like there was a place to write it, the people I vented to when I was really sick and needed a sick day, at the time smiled and said “welcome to motherhood” after we spent years talking about why it was so important to support each other and all women’s issues. And I stupidly believed them when they said this will never happen to you because you have us. I felt publicly humiliated everyday, and I stopped asking for help. I admire you greatly.

I used my small amounts of internet access to find people in the same boat so we could take turns watching the kids. While it was a lot more work than benefit in terms of babysitting help, so I kept my expectations low, it forced me to trust people again, forced me to make new friends, even though most of them were in much better circumstances than I was, and I hated being the charity case, it forced me to admit that not all people are bad, not all people break their promises, just the ones I happened to be associated with.

I say all this to say that the value was in refusing to believe that all people are like the ones who let us down. I wonder if it would have been better if I had been strong enough to vent and ask for help like you have here. It seems healthier than becoming stoic and shutting down.

Finally, there are indeed cities where paid sick days have been mandated for everyone even part time hourly workers. And while of course it’s not really enough, I will say there was way more help than I was willing to ask for. This makes me admire you for asking for help. For today, I fully endorse a shower 🚿 where you get to cry and cry 😭 without the kiddo hearing cause that can feel better too.
 
@jeremias Felt. I’m 4 hours away from all my family, I have no friends, no job(was being harassed by a supervisor for being lgbt and no longer felt safe), I’m stuck in my gfs house 24/7 with her 3 kids who all have behavioral issues and no support system. The last week has been extreme meltdowns from the middle child, including death threats aimed at me and attempting to choke her sister. Said sister intentionally misbehaves, told her she couldn’t do something and she looks me dead in my eyes and did it anyways. We lost ebt bc girlfriend makes $100 over the limit, house is a disaster bc getting the kids to clean makes a 15 minute task into a 3 hour ordeal complete with fits and meltdowns. We’re on a list for respite care but it’s 2+ years long, they go to dads every other weekend but come back acting worse than before everytime.
 
@jeremias I feel you, except my son was five sitting in a shopping cart with groceries and threw up all over the place. We had to leave everything there and I felt so bad but the store worker said not to worry about it and that he would clean it up. My son is now 18 and I raised him completely alone with his dad never in the picture. My son accepted a position at a big company for his dream career before he even graduated. I look back at our lives and think, “I did that, I raised that baby into the man he is now.” You got this, there will be tough days, but just stay positive!
 
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