Breastfeeding one baby but not the other. How to get over mom guilt?

[giantgecko]

I have 11 week 4 day old twins. We have always combo fed; tandem breastfeeding then topping off with formula. Twin B has been a challenge. He has always struggled with BF (weak suction, poor latch from restricted oral tissue). He cries because he’s frustrated with not being able to be efficient on the boob and is only able to get foremilk. He’s had GI issues since birth including lots of gas, constipation, excessive spit up etc. Our last resort is switching to a hypoallergenic formula which means no more breastfeeding. It’s so frustrating because I worked so hard to get my supply up to feed both of them despite every obstacle. I’m not ready to completely let go and twin A is a rockstar feeder and does well on breast milk. What I’m struggling with most is I can’t shake the guilt I feel breastfeeding one baby but not the other. I’m afraid twin B will resent me somehow or feel like I’m withholding seeing his sister feed off of me when he can’t. He also likes to nurse to go back to sleep in the middle of the night which I can’t let him do and I’m afraid it’s going to break my heart into a million pieces. I realize I’m putting adult emotions on tiny babies but I cant help it. Does anyone have positive stories about the transition to EFF after breastfeeding around 3 months?

 

[longfellow]

@giantgecko Babies just want to bond, and there are many ways to achieve that. My first child nursed for 3 months and then was bottle fed pumped milk for the remainder of the time and there was virtually no change in our relationship when I was nursing him vs bottle feeding him. He looked into my eyes and was close to my chest either way. Once he got used to the bottle, he even still relaxed and soothed during feedings much of the time. My second kid was combo fed for 4 months and now EFF and our bond is still just as strong. Your twins are too young to compare one another and how they’re being fed anyway; all they know is that they want your love and that can still be achieved no matter how you feed them.

As for any concerns about one twin getting “less” because of not being breastfed, there have been sibling studies that show that the differences between breastfeed vs formula fed are often no longer statistically significant when comparing two kids in the same family. This suggests that a lot of the associated benefit of breastfeeding may be more due to the family situation the kids grow up in than what they eat as an infant. By the time your twins are a little older, you’ll never be able to tell which was breastfeed and which was formula fed and neither will they.

 

[crownfair]

@giantgecko I stopped BF my very skinny daughter at 4m and it made no changes except she started growing a lot better.

I ALSO have twins, 9m. Both are EFF since the hospital, and usually on the twinZ. They both LOVE me and know me and are super bonded, even with not holding one as much as the other. In the beginning one would have to be held upright for reflux issues and was much harder to feed. We held him a lot more and then it switched and A became the fussy one and B the chill one. With twins, you just do the best you can and show them love as evenly as possible even if it’s in different ways.

Maybe take up wearing the non-BF baby for a bit longer than the other baby. Regardless, they still know you and love you! You are their mama! It’s ok!

If you aren’t on the multiples sub, I highly recommend it. We are quite welcoming (ParentsOfMultiples) and also my DMs are open.

 

[godschosen82]

@giantgecko A midwife told me a few days ago that my daughter isn’t going resent me for how I feed her, but she will resent me for starving her/making her sick. Every time I feel guilt, I’ve been trying to repeat that to myself. When your LOs grow up, they aren’t going to remember what they ate and formula is nutritionally complete too. So long as both of your twins are fed and happy, nothing else matters.

 

[tiffanyw]

@giantgecko There's a YouTuber I follow who has young twins and only one of them breastfed. I don't recall the reason, though if I remember correctly I think the bottle fed one was eating expressed breastmilk rather than formula, so it was likely a latch issue or similar. At any rate, he wasn't physically nursing which is where it seems like your guilt is centered.

I don't have any advice or applicable experience of my own but maybe this example of another twin mom only BFing one twin will help? You aren't the only one

 

[sophiejko]

@giantgecko My son stopped nursing on his own at 4 months because he couldn’t get enough milk (early nursing issues and my low supply). He grew so well on the bottle and I still spent plenty of time holding and wearing him. He’s currently two and we have a very strong bond.

 

[bummblebee]

@giantgecko I fully pumped breast milk for twelve months with my first. With my second I used formula from day one. There are pros and cons to both- with my second I spent time with him that I would have otherwise been fiddling with pump parts.

 

[eri_18]

@giantgecko I wouldn’t give up yet. See if your pediatrician has a lactation consultant who could help you with that latch. Also have you tried cutting off allergens from your diet? My son’s pediatrician had me cut out milk/soy/gluten first and it seemed to help. Also stay away from foods that are known to cause gas. (Beans/broccoli/brussels) we also used gas drops and those helped quite a bit. One thing I would also recommend you try is to manual pump one boob while the other nurses so you can get the milk letdown and get some foremilk out of the way. PM me if you want to know about any specific things I said.
Edit:
-I forgot to mention they have those contraptions that you can “nurse” but it’s really them being bottle fed. It’s like a tube that “comes out at your nip.