Best ways to support a wife after miscarriage

[youradventistfriend]

Hey everyone, I am looking for some advice. My wife and I were overjoyed when we found out she was pregnant for the first time. We couldn’t wait to be parents. Unfortunately at around 6-7 weeks, she had a miscarriage and she decided to get a d&c earlier this week. It’s been a hard thing to go through and we both have very different ways of grieving and processing.

I feel a little lost at times to support her when she really seems to be struggling because she tends to shut down, cry, and prefers to process on her own. I ask her what I can do to help her in those moments but there isn’t usually an anything specific beyond what I’m doing like offering to talk, taking on more of the load with the house and taking care of our dogs, etc.

What are some ways you guys would or have supported your wife or partner when going through this? Any ideas would be great

Thanks!

Ps really glad to have a space like this for dads, parents, and men to get together and give each other support

 

[horizons]

@youradventistfriend Hey, my condolences. Been there twice and it’s really hard. Typing this with a toddler eating dinner now for what that’s worth. It was kind of a lonely thing for my wife, and I tried to be as present as possible for her by doing the things you’re doing. What I think was most helpful as far as what I did was taking a second to not think of supporting her and letting myself mourn. Showing her that I was experiencing it, although in a very different way since my body was not effected, was helpful. Best of luck. Sounds like you’re doing the right things.

 

[seescandy]

@youradventistfriend We just went through this last month. It's a very difficult thing to process, and most days, I wanted to stay in bed and cry. I would say continue to try and be there for her. Buy her some of her favorite things and continue to remind her: she did nothing wrong, nothing could have prevented what happened, to be kind to herself, to take care of herself, to be sad when she needs to and that any moments of happiness right now is okay and she shouldn't feel guilty.

I'm about 1 month post d&c, and things are still hard some days. Certain things will set me off for no reason. It's also hard to not sit and think, " Oh, if I was pregnant, things would be so different" or "I shouldn't be able to do this because I should be pregnant."

Most of all, be patient and make sure to take care of yourself too. You also lost a baby. Loss is extremely difficult, but it showed me how much my husband loves and cares for me. I'm so sorry that you both are going through this.

 

[youradventistfriend]

Thanks for the responses and great advice everyone. I’m sorry for the losses you have all been through as well but it is really comforting to hear about your experiences and know we’re not alone. It is easily the most difficult thing I’ve gone through and I can’t remember a time where I ever felt so sharply sad. I’ve definitely had my nights and moments of grieving and crying and it was cathartic.

I appreciate the suggestions too for how to be there for my wife. I have this tendency to want to “problem solve” for people I care about and can struggle when I feel like I don’t know what to do or say. But after reading these responses, its a good reminder that there are no best or right answers for such a complex and multifaceted level loss.

I’ll continue to be there for my wife, to support her, to help lift her burden of things inside of our control, and just let her know that I am in this with her.

Thanks again

 

[sleighsoulful]

@youradventistfriend Been there 2x in the past year. It hurts like nothing I ever experienced before.

Like the others said, the best thing you can do is support her and remind her that it isn’t her fault, noting she did or didn’t do would have changed the outcome. She, like you, are in a very lonely spot right now.

Take time for yourself to allow time to grieve. Spend time with each other and grieve together.

It’s a loss of a future you two dreamed of and were excited about, it’s a loss that while you both feel emotionally about it, she is also dealing with physical issues because of the loss.

I bought my wife a book, Silent Sorrow. She found it helpful. She also has a great psychologist that helped her through a lot of her feelings. Retrospectively I should have done more to help myself through this instead of mostly suffering silently.

You don’t need to be strong, you don’t need to stay stoic. Cry when you need to, it’s ok. Things will come up throughout the year that will bring all of your emotions to the surface again, holidays, seeing others pregnant at about the same gestation, seeing others with babies, people asking when you’re going to have a baby.

It’s ok to hurt, it’s ok to cry, most importantly it’s ok to be there for your wife and comfort each other.

 

[katrina2017]

@youradventistfriend Same as the other guy man. A lot of us go through it’s. It’s extremely hard but very common. Mine are 9 and 6w. Don’t give up trying and be there to support her. Good food/flowers and anything she asks you to do that helps. It’s harder on them than it is for us so just try to be a good husband.

 

[unholycannoli]

@youradventistfriend Just be present, let her know you’re there, and give her space when she needs it.

Everyone processes grief differently. Also make sure you’re ok- checkin with your friends and process it.

I definitely got more reckless for a bit after we miscarried our first time. Life just felt less bright for a while and I went to a dark place. My wife also processed this stuff more on her own, too.

 

[ssh]

@youradventistfriend Everything above is great advice. We lost at 20 and a bit weeks and right now are sitting on 30 weeks and everything is looking good. So grieve for the one that you’ve lost, and try and be optimistic about the future.

I can’t stress more than make sure to keep open and genuine communication over time. Keep checking in with each other and pay attention to how you are both doing. Initially I struggled more than her but since this pregnancy started I feel like the roles have reversed and shes actually dealing now with the grief she didn’t back then — so you’ll possibly find the grieving process isn’t linear/identical for you both.

Similar to what you’ve written a lot of times I’ve felt she’s kind of shut me out and it isn’t personal or anything just people deal with this stuff differently. Like although we lost our first about 2 years ago it really was only a week or two ago that I think she really opened up and let me in. Just be there and be supportive — it’s different for everyone, every couple and their journey to parenthood. But I think that the fact you have the awareness and want to be there as best you can, you will be at all stages of the healing.

 

[giftofgod2]

@youradventistfriend Just joining in solidarity, we had a MMC at 6 weeks with our first ever pregnancy, really takes the wind out of your sails even if you know it's a possibility.

You nailed it in your comment about trying to "problem solve" and this feels like such a learned behavior so many dudes have. And it's a lesson I take with so many interactions with my wife, to not do that, or sometimes I will explicitly ask: are you looking for a solution or support? And she appreciates that because sometimes she just needs to vent and sometimes she is stuck on something, it's hard to tell sometimes.

Practical advice wise, one thing I do is "reflect" back her thoughts as a way to validate them. So the last thing she said, I will kind of rephrase it back to her with some empathy and note the emotions she's going through. I just find having that in mind helps me find words when I might normally struggle for the right response.

The other thing that helped me personally was music. I found it hard to tap into my grief. But my wife (who is a Swifty lol) pointed me to this song which is apparently about miscarriage it helped to listen to it when I was bummed out as it kind of evoked and released some feelings, but ymmv.

 

[cab1]

@giftofgod2 I’m so glad you shared this song. My wife and I are going through the fresh feelings of a recent miscarriage and this song is so raw. Thank you.

 

[sklt1985]

@youradventistfriend I'm part of the 2x miscarriage club as well. I feel ya. It's difficult to know what to say or do. The sadness, grief and pure anger will be there for a while. After our first MC, my wife and I changed a couple things that worked for us. One, we both started seeing a therapist. It can be helpful to vent, cry, yell, talk about your feelings and ways to cope with them. Two, we planned a trip. It was time to get away, try to relax and do something fun. Three, stay active and distracted. It's easy to lay in bed, crying, hating life and all the pregnant people around you. Keeping you active can help your mental health and keep both of you strong. Last but not least, we did some genetic testing and blood work to make sure everything looked good and if there are changes that need to be made. Hope this helps!

 

[gospelgizmo]

@youradventistfriend I just found this post after an incredibly difficult day. I just want to say thank you for posting and everyone who put in their two cents. I’m finding helpful and easier seeing that this is really something a lot of other people deal with.

 

[youradventistfriend]

@gospelgizmo I’m glad you found this and it was helpful in any way. So many people deal with this and it is always a hard thing to experience. If it provides you any comfort, my wife and I are at the place we are ready to start trying again. We’re hopeful!

 

[youradventistfriend]

Thanks again everyone for the comments and advice. They are really helpful and encouraging.