I am looking for help/advice and sorry for the wall of unformatted text to follow. This is my wifes expression of what is going on in our family.
My apologies for this being long. I’m a parent of a 2 going on 3 year old, and heaven help me this is a good cross between a vent and a plea for help/guidance/solidarity because I’m not alone/suggestions. I have a fantastic, polite, sociable child. Has been for the better part of the past 2 to 2.5 years. We did a lot of attachment parenting and such. Seemed to work. And, somewhere around July of this year, it all went to shit. We chalked it up to the fact that we’d just taken her on a 14 hour road trip to visit family for 2 weeks, and then 14 hours back. And then we got a dog, and chalked it up to adjusting to essentially having a sibling in the house. And then she started homeschool preschool and things got sort of better…I imagine because she was challenged during the day. And then they went to shit again. We have been very schedule, routine, consistency driven her entire life. She knows the expectations of the house and usually does well to listen to them. But, as of late, it feels like nothing but defiance. And part of me says, she 2… does she really know how to be defiant at this age? But, I don’t know how else to explain it. Simple things. Stupid things. Like saying she’s hungry for lunch and lunch time, and giving her the choice between 2 foods and she picks option A, and as we’re paring it she opts for option B. When we say no, and tell her she can have option B tomorrow but today it’s A because that’s what she picked, she melts down. If she doesn’t melt down and accepts option A, she takes 1 bite and then gets up and decides she’s done. …I wish this was a rare occurrence. We finally stopped fighting her on food, if she got down and walked away then so be it, but there were no second chances to eat and she went without anything else until the next meal. …no change in her refusal to eat. She knows she’s not allowed to throw sand at the dog, or to chase the dog around the house, or to clap in the dogs face…and yet…she does it. We take the dog out to go potty and play fetch with the dog, and she decides she wants to play. And finds a stick. And throws it at the dogs face. I admit that I don’t think it’s intentional and her aim just sucks. But…we’ve told her that she doesn’t get to throw sticks for the dog, only balls and only when someone lets her so we can make sure she’s pointed in the right direction…and yet…she fucking does it. We’ve tried taking away tv time, ipod time, sending her to her room, making her sit in time out on a stool in the hall with nothing around her. She probably needs more things that are her centric to do, time that is just hers to run and play… but that’s sometimes easier said than done. In the summer it’s not bad because there are school play grounds. But, once school has started the playgrounds she enjoys and challenge her are off limits. The city ones leave much to be desired. She responds well to “time in’s,” which is realizing the negative behavior is just a request for attention and time devoted to her. And, will try to keep an eye out for a stretch of about 20 minutes where our daughter hasn’t been being mischievous and awful in order to give her a time in (so as to not directly reward negative behavior), but those 20 minute stretches are becoming hard to come by. I don’t want to just take her to the playground, or into the city to the museum or zoo or some awesome playground a half hour away, all to reward the crap behavior. We made the mistake/genius doing of spanking her with a wooden spoon when she would shove the chair into the dog. That has since stopped…and she seems to fear being spanked with a wooden spoon. But, neither of us want to resort to continuous hitting/spanking/whatever to get her to listen. We were both spanked in our day, and I’m not against it. But, I think that it has its time and place, and for every little thing isn’t it. Likewise, with the absolute frustration and anger we sometimes feel with her when she’s acting this way, I would hate in a moment of those emotions to bring it past a spanking to a beating because heaven knows that is not how either of us were parented or want to parent. I that part of this is just the 2’s and 3’s that everyone warned us about. She’s still polite to strangers, and pretty great when we’re out of the house. But at home she is in fully “test my limits,” mode. We obviously don’t attempt to cave, but when she doesn’t get the message it feels like we’re caving. Supposedly it gets better around 4 to 5, but do I really want to wait it out for the next year or 2 all to find out we’ve been doing it wrong and now instead of having a toddler testing the limits I have a spoiled brat of a child? It feels like we’re losing control in our house. Not that we give in, but that at every. Single. Turn. She seems to be having a meltdown about something, anything, nothing. If we are home, she will try to change her mind and go against what we say just to see what happens. To get a reaction. To test her limits. Because she hasn’t been diagnosed with something yet. I don’t know. I have zero idea why. And whenever we ask her why, she can’t seem to answer. I gather why is a big concept for such a little person, and to tell us that she’s testing her limits or to get our attention is something I certainly don’t expect her to know. I am stay at home mom, so it’s not like she doesn’t have a parent around. Friends she’s lacking in. Maybe she’s starting to realize that. Our little oasis (I use that term so super loosely) in western Pennsylvania is pretty sheltered. We came from western Massachusetts where there was a different free community play group going on each day during the winter. There were ways she could go play with peers in a safe environment. That’s not offered here. Not only are there just no indoor play places where we’re at, but there are no community centers, no play groups, no anything targeted towards kids unless it’s a structured music class, structured dance class, structured something. Even our local Y is lacking. We tried putting her in preschool there while I worked there. I quit because I didn’t feel safe with our daughter in that program (that I was working in and saw). I know she’s to the age she NEEDS peer interaction. But, it seems so silly to put her into daycare when I am a stay at home mom. Maybe we need a break from one another during the week. Maybe she needs peers. Maybe it’s the age. Maybe we’ve just done something royally wrong. I don’t know. I have zero idea. But, I do know I need something to change. We both need something to change. Is this just a normal part of the terrible 2’s and the threenager stage? It’s our first kid and we only moved here a year ago so we don’t have much for friends with kids we can ask. Is there a better way to handle it? We spend so much time fighting with her, and yelling, and sending her to her room… this isn’t how a family should be. We were both raised in slightly dysfunctional families, we want something better for our own. She seems to do relatively okay when she is with just 1 parent, but when we’re both around her… the dynamics change so much. If she’s already had a bad day with me, when my husband gets home and she has 2 of us, the day goes from bad to explosive. I don’t know how to regain some semblance of enjoyable family time…for any of us. I, who have spent YEARS working with kids, and YEARS dreaming of being a mom will end my days ready to throw in the towel and be done. More than once I’ve cried herself to sleep and told my husband that I just can’t do this anymore. It’s probably venting, but I shouldn’t have to end my day ready to give up. It’s not like I’m not experienced with kids and didn’t have a basic idea of what it means to have kids. Granted if you don’t have your own, it’s a different story to be able to leave them at the end of the night instead of having them with you 24/7… but it wasn’t like I’d never seen “other side,” to having kids instead of just a seemingly happy family.
Thank you
tl;dr Positive parenting doesnt seem to work any more. Our 2.5 yr old daughter is a princess while out of the house but a demon at home. She won't listen, melts down at everything, and is turning into a brat. We don't know what to do any more. Please help.
My apologies for this being long. I’m a parent of a 2 going on 3 year old, and heaven help me this is a good cross between a vent and a plea for help/guidance/solidarity because I’m not alone/suggestions. I have a fantastic, polite, sociable child. Has been for the better part of the past 2 to 2.5 years. We did a lot of attachment parenting and such. Seemed to work. And, somewhere around July of this year, it all went to shit. We chalked it up to the fact that we’d just taken her on a 14 hour road trip to visit family for 2 weeks, and then 14 hours back. And then we got a dog, and chalked it up to adjusting to essentially having a sibling in the house. And then she started homeschool preschool and things got sort of better…I imagine because she was challenged during the day. And then they went to shit again. We have been very schedule, routine, consistency driven her entire life. She knows the expectations of the house and usually does well to listen to them. But, as of late, it feels like nothing but defiance. And part of me says, she 2… does she really know how to be defiant at this age? But, I don’t know how else to explain it. Simple things. Stupid things. Like saying she’s hungry for lunch and lunch time, and giving her the choice between 2 foods and she picks option A, and as we’re paring it she opts for option B. When we say no, and tell her she can have option B tomorrow but today it’s A because that’s what she picked, she melts down. If she doesn’t melt down and accepts option A, she takes 1 bite and then gets up and decides she’s done. …I wish this was a rare occurrence. We finally stopped fighting her on food, if she got down and walked away then so be it, but there were no second chances to eat and she went without anything else until the next meal. …no change in her refusal to eat. She knows she’s not allowed to throw sand at the dog, or to chase the dog around the house, or to clap in the dogs face…and yet…she does it. We take the dog out to go potty and play fetch with the dog, and she decides she wants to play. And finds a stick. And throws it at the dogs face. I admit that I don’t think it’s intentional and her aim just sucks. But…we’ve told her that she doesn’t get to throw sticks for the dog, only balls and only when someone lets her so we can make sure she’s pointed in the right direction…and yet…she fucking does it. We’ve tried taking away tv time, ipod time, sending her to her room, making her sit in time out on a stool in the hall with nothing around her. She probably needs more things that are her centric to do, time that is just hers to run and play… but that’s sometimes easier said than done. In the summer it’s not bad because there are school play grounds. But, once school has started the playgrounds she enjoys and challenge her are off limits. The city ones leave much to be desired. She responds well to “time in’s,” which is realizing the negative behavior is just a request for attention and time devoted to her. And, will try to keep an eye out for a stretch of about 20 minutes where our daughter hasn’t been being mischievous and awful in order to give her a time in (so as to not directly reward negative behavior), but those 20 minute stretches are becoming hard to come by. I don’t want to just take her to the playground, or into the city to the museum or zoo or some awesome playground a half hour away, all to reward the crap behavior. We made the mistake/genius doing of spanking her with a wooden spoon when she would shove the chair into the dog. That has since stopped…and she seems to fear being spanked with a wooden spoon. But, neither of us want to resort to continuous hitting/spanking/whatever to get her to listen. We were both spanked in our day, and I’m not against it. But, I think that it has its time and place, and for every little thing isn’t it. Likewise, with the absolute frustration and anger we sometimes feel with her when she’s acting this way, I would hate in a moment of those emotions to bring it past a spanking to a beating because heaven knows that is not how either of us were parented or want to parent. I that part of this is just the 2’s and 3’s that everyone warned us about. She’s still polite to strangers, and pretty great when we’re out of the house. But at home she is in fully “test my limits,” mode. We obviously don’t attempt to cave, but when she doesn’t get the message it feels like we’re caving. Supposedly it gets better around 4 to 5, but do I really want to wait it out for the next year or 2 all to find out we’ve been doing it wrong and now instead of having a toddler testing the limits I have a spoiled brat of a child? It feels like we’re losing control in our house. Not that we give in, but that at every. Single. Turn. She seems to be having a meltdown about something, anything, nothing. If we are home, she will try to change her mind and go against what we say just to see what happens. To get a reaction. To test her limits. Because she hasn’t been diagnosed with something yet. I don’t know. I have zero idea why. And whenever we ask her why, she can’t seem to answer. I gather why is a big concept for such a little person, and to tell us that she’s testing her limits or to get our attention is something I certainly don’t expect her to know. I am stay at home mom, so it’s not like she doesn’t have a parent around. Friends she’s lacking in. Maybe she’s starting to realize that. Our little oasis (I use that term so super loosely) in western Pennsylvania is pretty sheltered. We came from western Massachusetts where there was a different free community play group going on each day during the winter. There were ways she could go play with peers in a safe environment. That’s not offered here. Not only are there just no indoor play places where we’re at, but there are no community centers, no play groups, no anything targeted towards kids unless it’s a structured music class, structured dance class, structured something. Even our local Y is lacking. We tried putting her in preschool there while I worked there. I quit because I didn’t feel safe with our daughter in that program (that I was working in and saw). I know she’s to the age she NEEDS peer interaction. But, it seems so silly to put her into daycare when I am a stay at home mom. Maybe we need a break from one another during the week. Maybe she needs peers. Maybe it’s the age. Maybe we’ve just done something royally wrong. I don’t know. I have zero idea. But, I do know I need something to change. We both need something to change. Is this just a normal part of the terrible 2’s and the threenager stage? It’s our first kid and we only moved here a year ago so we don’t have much for friends with kids we can ask. Is there a better way to handle it? We spend so much time fighting with her, and yelling, and sending her to her room… this isn’t how a family should be. We were both raised in slightly dysfunctional families, we want something better for our own. She seems to do relatively okay when she is with just 1 parent, but when we’re both around her… the dynamics change so much. If she’s already had a bad day with me, when my husband gets home and she has 2 of us, the day goes from bad to explosive. I don’t know how to regain some semblance of enjoyable family time…for any of us. I, who have spent YEARS working with kids, and YEARS dreaming of being a mom will end my days ready to throw in the towel and be done. More than once I’ve cried herself to sleep and told my husband that I just can’t do this anymore. It’s probably venting, but I shouldn’t have to end my day ready to give up. It’s not like I’m not experienced with kids and didn’t have a basic idea of what it means to have kids. Granted if you don’t have your own, it’s a different story to be able to leave them at the end of the night instead of having them with you 24/7… but it wasn’t like I’d never seen “other side,” to having kids instead of just a seemingly happy family.
Thank you
tl;dr Positive parenting doesnt seem to work any more. Our 2.5 yr old daughter is a princess while out of the house but a demon at home. She won't listen, melts down at everything, and is turning into a brat. We don't know what to do any more. Please help.
