At what age does having one semi-absent parent effect a child long term

[jgasser]

I'll save you the backstory and make it brief. I have a new work schedule in a new city, I might be away from my kids (1 y/o and 3 y/o) for 3 weeks of the month, with 1 week off that I could spend with them 24/7. This would be temporary until mid next year when the oldest will be almost 4. Then we'd be together again and I'd be able to see them every day, at the very least evenings and weekends. In the meantime they will stay with their mom (my wife) and their grandparents.

My only worry is even being around for 3 weeks of the month. The oldest one asks where I am and when I'm coming home if I'm gone for a few days. I just don't want it to affect him long term. I don't want him to feel like I wasn't there. I also understand that 3 is very young. So I'm not actually sure how much this is going to affect him.

Thanks in advance. I realize my situation is "first world problems" compared to what alot of kids go through. But nonetheless its something I want to address the best I can.

 

[learningfrog]

@jgasser My kids don't even remember those ages, and I was a SAHM who did so many activities. Do what will make your family better off long-term.

The only exception I could see is if your kids are having tantrums, not sleeping, etc.--extreme mood and behavioral disturbances. I assume there's some child somewhere who's sensitive enough to really suffer in your circumstances, but I would think it's rare. Most kids are pretty darn resilient.

Of course, if you can, try to have daily video contact with them, so you're still a part of their lives, even if only for a couple of minutes. Read a nightly story maybe?

 

[chrissy0711]

@learningfrog The nightly story part reminded me of the book "favole al telefono" (telephone tales) by Gianni Rodari.

 

[greenleaf62]

@jgasser My husband was just gone for about 3 weeks due to work travel and Covid (we had him stay out of the house). My 5-year-old is actually totally fine with it and hasn’t changed at all, largely because I can explain to her what happened. I can tell her why dad isn’t there, when he’s coming home, and the fact that he’s going to work today but that he’ll still be home at night.

My 1-year-old (nearly 2), who is normally the chill one, is a mess. I can’t explain why dad was gone and we only FaceTimed. He was totally fine for most of the absence actually, but now that dad is home, he’s a mess. Constantly clingy and teary, sad for no apparent reason, processing a lot of feelings. Won’t let dad out of his sight (and he’s really a mama’s boy) because he doesn’t know when he’ll disappear next. I’ve tried saying “dad is coming back soon” or “dad will be here for bathtime and book time” but it doesn’t help. He wants to snuggle everyone (me, our nanny) when dad is gone for work. It’s been 3 days and he hasn’t adjusted to normal yet. My husband had to eat dinner on the bathroom floor because he wouldn’t let him out of his sight at bathtime. He just feels very insecure and unsure now—likely wondering when dad is going off to disappear again.

My advice would be to establish a routine. Your 3-year-old is great to talk to and you can explain what’s happening to them. Monitor the younger one, though, and figure out if there’s anything you can do to FaceTime daily and reinforce that it’s okay to process big feelings after your return. Give them a lot of grace.

 

[seedtimeharvest]

@jgasser This is completely anecdotal and I’m not trying to scare you or dissuade you of your choice but my mom left for a few weeks when I was around 1yr old and she said that when she came back I wanted to stay with the woman who took care of me in her absence instead of going with her. She said it really hurt her. I have no memory of this and I have no idea if it affected me in the long run.

I would suggest keeping in touch with your kids, even the 1yr old, via video chat on a daily basis so that you are still present in their lives.

 

[waterflow]

@jgasser I think it really depends on your child's temperament and neurotype. My brother in law works 2 weeks out of province and is home for the next two weeks (24/7). My sister is a SAHP. Both of their children are autistic (12 year old and 4 year old). The eldest has never had a close relationship with her dad and the transitions of him going to work and returning from work were an obvious stress on her which was apparent when she was 2 years old. Her struggle with transitions and experiencing heightened intensity of feelings as an autistic person made this particular situation extremely difficult for her. However, this work situation has been going on for 12 years (her whole life). I doubt a brief interlude would have long-term effects though I have no study for this. It's more likely that it would compound if there were additional stressors AND if you have an "orchid" child (You can read The Orchid and the Dandelion for a more in depth evidence based look on temperament and stress).