Appropriate consequence for preteen

@mjkobe No offence but you're like a flag in the wind. Totally see how she doesn't respect you. You just give her whatever she wants whenever she wants. Step up and follow through. Bad actions have consequences.
 
@mjkobe It broke my heart to have to enforce punishment on my son. But he is a much more adjusted teen now because of it. He actually apologizes to me when he messes up now! But I had to be consistent.
 
@mjkobe You are doing your daughter a big disservice by not making her face consequences for her actions. You keep giving in, letting her get her way. That isn't going to last forever in the real world. She is quickly approaching adulthood, where there are no take backs and her behavior will affect her entire future. Not to mention, her reckless attitude has become physically dangerous for both of you. One of you is going to end up in the hospital or worse.
 
@mjkobe I’m going to be very direct here- you have to stop letting her break you or someday you will be visiting her in prison.

Set boundaries and enforce consequences. It won’t happen overnight, but she will slowly start to realize assault and acting like a jerk doesn’t get her what she wants.

Hang in there- parenting sucks sometimes, but at the end of the day, kids need to know they’re not in charge.
 
@mjkobe Give her consequences you're willing to actually stick to. It could be hard to keep her away from her friends because seeing her moping at home isn't really helpful for anyone and at this age your friends are super important, so stop using that threat. Find something else, like does she have a phone, tablet, allowance, etc? You need to find a consequence you'll actually stick to. I also think it'd be fine to not drive her, like not disallow her from going but explain if she doesn't respect you, you're definitely not driving her anywhere so she can figure it out.
 
@mjkobe I know it’s tough feeling like the bad guy, but if you don’t teach your children that their actions have consequences, society eventually will. Stick to your guns!
 
@mjkobe The punishments that you’re talking about aren’t extreme. However her actions are. I would encourage you to think about this from a different angle. Is she acting out like this because she’s disrespectful & hateful OR is she acting out because she desperately wants some boundaries to feel safe?

She’s at an age with more independence and knowledge of the world. It’s like suddenly all the walls of being a little kid are dropping & she feels exposed. She doesn’t know where the limit is & needs one badly. So she’s doing what all humans do, testing the boundaries. And you’re showing her that she’s on her own. That you don’t have any more control of this situation than she does. That’s terrifying for her. So she pushes farther and harder.

I’m not saying come down like a hammer, but mean what you say & stand by it. Show her that you’re in control & are the adult that she can rely on. It’ll probably get worse for about 6 weeks while she figures out the new boundaries & then things will calm down.
 
@mjkobe Instead of feeling guilty for disciplining your daughter, you should feel guilty for not giving her boundaries.

This is a problem you created with your inconsistency. Tonight, I would let her go to her thing. You already lost that fight, and going back on your word, again now, will only make this worse.

Beginning tomorrow, you need to be carved from stone. Don't feel bad about the punishments. Remember how bad you feel being disrespected instead. That's what you're trying to stop, and being firm, immovable, is the only way you're going to earn the respect back.

It's going to be painful. Be strong!
 
@mjkobe Stop caring about how she feels. You're taking back punishments because she acts up? What is she supposed to do then, magically know how to act? No. Don't take her feelings into account for anything. She messes up, she gets punished. She wants to scream and attack you? And she gets more punished. Take her opinion on the matter with the same gravity that you would take a cat's.
 
@mjkobe Being a parent is different than being a friend.

You can be both, but you can't always be both.

Sometimes you have to be the bad guy even if that makes you feel bad.

She is going to say some terrible things that hurt your feelings. She's 12, her sense of empathy and reasoning are still developing but her ability to think up cruel thing to hurt people is already there. She is going to absolutely tee off on you when she realizes you're serious and you're going to hear about how she hates you and you're ruining her life.

It's important that you stop caving to her though.

All you're teaching her right now is that actions have no consequences and if you get mad enough people will do what you want. You're setting her up to get destroyed by life when she finds out that actions DO have consequences and her boss/teacher/future partner isn't going to roll over for her because she yelled mean things at them.
 
@mjkobe You are a PUSHOVER

This is called a passive parenting style and it is associated with long term negative outcomes.

Read about authoritative parenting. Get effing consistent or you are going to be sending her down a terrible road that possibly results in narcissism and hedonism. Where does that go? Could go any direction. She's 12 and you're letting her go to parties when she isn't even responsible enough to ride in a freaking car?

Time for tough love.

Do everything you can now to check the boxes you're supposed to check so you don't get forced into a realization that her inability to adult, her teen pregnancy, drug experimentation etc is your fault.
If you continue to give her what she wants when she acts like a brat you are providing her dopamine rewards for crappy behavior and IT WILL NOT STOP.

Switch it up and be prepared for a rough 6-12 months.
Also take her ass to therapy and get some for yourself.

Sorry you're going through this. I know it's heartbreaking, overwhelming, and hard.
But think about how much worse it could get if you don't figure out how to provide her structure and love her with authority.

Be there for her, don't abandon her, but also don't take her crap at all. You are the adult.
She'll thank you when she's 30 if you play your cards right here. You have the power, take it. Do not let a child run your household and run your and her mental health permanently into the ground.

What happens down the road? Are you prepared to take her the hospital? Call the police on your child? Send her to military school? Alternative school?
If you let this get out of control you will lose your options and those will be the options you are left with. You don't want to have to pick any of them, ever. Don't put yourself in that position in 1-2-3-4-5 years down the line.

Also, look for a youth crisis hotline in your area.
When you finally put your foot down she is going to lose her mind and that's when you call them and they will come and stabilize your household. It is not CPS or anything like it, so fear not. There will be resources to help your family somewhere.

If you want more specific advice about accessing resources DM me.
I have used them.

Also, you need bonding time. On your terms. But quality time with her will help offset her harsh feelings. She can't go to the party, but she can watch a movie with you at home that you pick.

Edit
Consequence example:
Find what matters to her, say her phone, and lock it in a box until she earns it back. Yes, get one of those fireproof lock boxes.
No amount of hemming, hawing, or fit throwing should put that phone or laptop back in her hands. Only respect to you, shown consistently over the course of 2+ days. Every time she disrespects you, the 2 days until she gets her phone back starts over.
She goes out of control? Cool, I'll throw away the key and you can start working for money to buy yourself a new phone, even if it takes 6 months.

Alternatively, drive the phone to Grandma's house. Leave it there.
We'll only go get it when you have changed your behavior. Same system, alternative to spending money on a lock box.

Give her more responsibilities. You want to act like an adult? You're responsible for cooking the family dinner 3 nights a week, if you eat it or not.
You're going to weed outside. You're going to have responsibilities beyond cleaning up after yourself to help our household, because you are taking a lot more energy and time with your outbursts than you are contributing. You are taking wellness from our home so you're going to work to put it back.
 
@mjkobe Are you permanently placed outside the front door because you’re acting like a door mat. You are enabling her behaviour because you are lacking to give her the stability she needs in her life. If she acts up, she doesn’t get punished and then you wonder why she acts out and is verbally and physically abusive towards you? When kids act out, they need to be corrected. Taking away a privilege is ok, it’s not going to kill them to not go to a social event or a party at a friends. You are creating a bigger problem for yourself and your child. She knows she will get her way and whatever she wants because you can’t stick to your guns. Stop cancelling punishments and grow a backbone
 
@mjkobe Does she have other mental health issues? This sounds exactly like my 13 year old but she also had suicidal ideation, a 3 day mental health hold, depression, etc so we knew it wasn’t just her being an asshole. We finally decided to see a psychiatrist.
 
@iffsiisolsos Yep, we had a suicide attempt this summer. Did an inpatient program for a week. She’s on an antidepressant now and was doing SO MUCH BETTER w her behavioral issues. Then this month it just came crashing back down. Honestly, so many parents in this thread are saying that taking away social activities isn’t extreme … but for kids this age, it’s their whole world. And I don’t want to take away a healthy outlet (like a school social or a friends bday) when she’s clearly struggling with some rough emotions. The fear of her dying definitely plays a part in my struggle w discipline
 
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