Appropriate consequence for preteen

@danikah I like this perspective. Do you think it’s appropriate to not let her go to the school event today, (as that would be in response for the disrespect last night) ? I could try to enforce consequences the day of, from here on out.
 
@mjkobe I think that relationally it makes sense to say "You've been treating me cruelly all week and you can't expect extra favors and privileges from someone you're mean to". And then skip the taking her to the event.

because your own history is hamstringing you from being able to set healthy boundaries and expectations for how you are treated and what's reasonable for a 12 year old. It's really normal for our own upbringing to interfere with our good parenting.
 
@mjkobe IDK. It's tough because I've been working with kids that age for 10+ years so it's routine for me when dealing with boys who step out of line. It seems like a habit has been established where she sort of "waits" you out and gets her way.

She definitely needs more feedback both good and bad. I see a little hope when you said she apologized for calling you the b-word. That's something to build off of. If I were to give advice, I'd look out for anything even remotely positive she does and then use that to justify letting her go. That gets you out of the current predicament and lets you change the way you give feedback starting now.

Whatever you choose, it sounds like it'll take awhile (months or more of consistent feedback to her behavior) to establish a new normal. She's going to act out again which gives plenty of opportunities to give instant feedback going forward.

FYI, I'm not a professional in the slightest. This is just from my experience with boys. And seriously, speak less. If they're starting an argument with you, make your statement and let them soak up the silence while you hold your ground.
 
@mjkobe You have created a monster. My 6 year old knows I don't make threats I don't intend to follow through on. I am careful and thoughtful about the consequences I tell her and if necessary, I follow through. I don't ever resort to physical violence but she absolutely loses privileges if necessary. I literally only have to follow through about once a year at most and that is enough that she knows I mean it. You've caved so many times you'll probably have to follow through half a dozen times in a row to make your point.
 
@greenbird Well, 6 is worlds away from 12 - whether you realize it now or not. She was a very well behaved child too until puberty hit. Parenting is fucking easy UNTIL they get to an age where they have autonomy and begin testing boundaries. That is developmentally normal, although in our case extreme. My daughter struggles w her mental health, and she lost her father a couple of years ago. It makes things a little more nuanced than telling a 6 year old to put away their toys. Don’t call my kid a monster. 😘

Of course by posting on Reddit, I expected insults towards myself. Not willing to accept a stranger saying such callous things in regards to my child though.
 
@mjkobe She has learned if she makes it uncomfortable for you that you bend. This is going to be a long path out. You’re going to have to stand you’re ground. Set the expectation and ma age to the expectation.

At this point you need a reset. You need to meet with her to establish the rules and consequences. YOU ARE IN CHARGE.
 
@mjkobe She’s doing this because you constantly give in and don’t stick with your punishments. Why would she listen to you when you go back on every threat you make? I wouldn’t either.
 
@mjkobe I don’t have any great advice. I just wanted to say that I find it literally impossible to read “won’t respect my authority” in anything other than a Cartman voice
 
@mjkobe As a mother of 3, I can say that, consistency is key. When you give her consequences stick to them. Don’t doubt yourself. Those consequences are to teach and guide her to be a productive adult. You’re not punishing her, just to punish her, so don’t feel bad. Enforce your rules, don’t waiver no matter what. That’s the only way she’ll respect your rules. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. And if she goes against your rules, be prepared to give more consequences.
Finally there’s a reason kids act out, and getting to the bottom of that would help the situation. You don’t want to be in a constant game of rules, disobedience, consequences, more consequences. Gotta get to the bottom of “why”. Good luck.
 
@mjkobe When I read your post, I was thinking “what in the hell?!?!” but then I read about your childhood, and that’s got to make it so hard. Parenting is hard even in the best of times. Give positive reinforcement for every little good thing. There’s a good book titled Untangled about dealing with teen/pre-teen girls and what they’re going through emotionally. Sometimes my 14 yr old daughter hurts my feelings (and it’s never worse than an eye roll) and I have to remind myself to approach everything with love. They need love, but they need boundaries and consequences too. You can do this!
 
@mjkobe Actions have consequences and at 12 she should know that , but you've been enabling her so she thinks she can do horrible things and knows you won't do anything about it.
You are raising a terrible human, do something about it before its too late.
 
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